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I'n so SICK.[personal life]
I'm sick of life. I'm sick of seeing everyone ask if I'm okay. What's that supposed to mean to me anymore? Does it LOOK like I'm okay? Does it look like life could be better?
I'm getting sick of being told "TELL SOMEONE. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE." Ever hear of a girl's heart and where she belongs? I feel the need to belong here despite having alot of pressure on me. I've dealt with it a majority of.. a year, almost. Maybe a year and a half, and it ALL STARTED EVER SINCE HE LEFT.
I hate him. I HATE HIM. If only he hadn't given my mother so much pain when he said he wanted a divorce, only to find out a few weeks later he NEVER loved her, that he only wanted over here to work. WORK. FOR HIS SON. If only he hadn't promised me I'd have a good life. A GOOD LIFE, HUH?! HAMID IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL A GOOD LIFE?! I'M REALLY BEGINNING TO WONDER!!
I'm shaking in anger right now. Crying. Yeah. I'm mixed up at the same time but what else can I do? I've hated my life, and I've loved it. People get angry at me for being the one to show my emotions, but it's better than being so monotone that you don't get anything out of me at all. It's better than me putting a mask over myself and smiling and saying nothing's going on, that life is good. I feel like I lie everytime I say that.
I can't take sleeping out there. I'm GETTING SICK! SICK SICK! I have to be there for school. I have to play basketball, to show Hamid that despite the fact he played with me it doesn't change the fact I won't be better than he thought I would be.
I heard him talking on the phone with mother the other day, because she found where he was located after a year being.. gone. She said that I was doing really well, but at the same time she says I still won't get anywhere.
She said that no matter how hard I'd try I would just fall. It got me angry that she would say those things. She only nodded and said she agreed when he said something in the phone. It makes me wonder. It really does.
Oh well. OH WELL. I'm still gonna get sick. I'll get hypothermia or something because of this. Does she really want me to die of sickness instead of suicide? She's laughing at me every time she makes me sleep out there. because for warmth all I have is what I grab before she pushes me out and locks the door on me. I wanna go to someone's house each and every time, but I don't know who'll take me in.
My heart is broken, I'm doing things I've never done and I'm very stressed out. Why mother? Why did you change?
Don't you love your daughter anymore? or is she a shadow like she's been told she is?
I really don't want to call DHS, because if I do, then I'm sure I'll be taken away. My whole family away from mother. I know she's really attached to brandon and autumn... and in her words it'd be my fault.
I know, I keep thinking about what WOULD happen, what if that happened.. but, I just don't wanna leave this place with regrets, with guilt. DHS and foster care? Doesn't that mean a new life?
Will I be able to take that new life?
I'm just so sick of it all right now. Sleeping outside, being slapped when I do something wrong. I'm afraid that if one day my grades would go to an F, my mother would kick me out herself instead of me trying to run away. My sister, Autumn.
What happened to his promise of a good life? I would take a gun right now if I could, and shoot myself. Or let my mother kill me, anyway to get out of this place.
Don't yell at me. I'm sick of being low. People at school, people from the other school, mother, the cold.
Just let me get over this now. I don't know what to believe in anymore, I've lost hope.
Just let me get away, please. I can't take it anymore. I can never stop crying. I just want life to be good.
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