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Cool-Calm- what??
Quote: Quickie: You will benefit greatly today from keeping a controlled, calm demeanor. Overview: Right now you're an expert in body language and hidden emotions. People's true motives are ridiculously apparent to you. Use these heightened powers of perception to ask the right questions at the right times. The truth of the matter is, I know I have no choice. I know I have to sit here and pretend everything is fine and that I am okay with feigning a seperation, and pretending to not just love my husband, but hate him too. Okay I don't hate him, I never could, I mean sure I can throw that at him like there's no tomorrow, but I have never once meant the word hate. Especially to him. Our history is vast, it's complete, we were meant to be together and seriously, I would not have it any other way. From out fighting to our making up, I love him to no content and I wouldn't change it for the world. For a happier marriage, no, our's is entertaining, different. I just don't like people who try to get in the way of that.
The truth of the matter is, if you are truly a friend you will say, "try" "fight" "keep going" not give up, or it doesn't seem worth it. In all actuallities. Some people only know what we want them to know and unless you are sitting here, experiancing, "US" you do not know what the truth is.
We are each other's healers. He saved me in a time when I truly needed him, and though I have this fear of being alone, I think my real reason for that feeling is the fact that I can't be with out him. He keeps me stable, keeps me together. I can't sleep without him near me, I can't even dream or relax without the touch of his hand, or the sound of his breathing. I know I shouldn't have to be so dependant on him, but it's like he is my drug, my one need in this world to live and thrive. The truth is, he is my inspiration. Before, when we would fight, when we would love each other so comepletely I could write, I could be completely free with words and now, I am stiffled and suffocated and killed.
I guess I know that I have to stay calm and collected even though I am a nervous wreck because he isn't here and hasn't called. That he found a need to be alone for four days, and I am alone with the children and shakey. So I am going to throw myself into cleaning, cooking, decorating and writing, because if I don't I don't know what else I will do for the next three days. I am going a little nutty sure.. but I have my friends. I have my boys. I will get through these days I am sure. I just want to know what he is doing. I trust him, but at the same time, I am afraid too.
Velvet
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