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You ever get tired of living the life people are telling you to live? I mean, not specifically telling you. But dropping it off at your stop anyway. o.o
...
Like when people say they know you... and they tell you who you are... and you never bother to second think... "Is that really me?"
Just go on believing their words; being their words. Maybe I think so badly of myself because I always take their words, make them who I am. When someone says bad things about me behind my back, and I find out... there's never a want to set them straight. It's more of... well... I already knew all those bad things. If it's me... why bother standing up for myself?
Almost every friend I've had has had their share of betraying me. xD Sometimes I wonder if they like to watch me fall, and then try and stumble back to my feet. 'Cause I always go back. o.o Every damned time. xD And instead of thinking that they are these terrible backstabbers... I think that I'm just a terrible person. That I deserved it all. xD So then I strive to be better, but it all just happens again.
Always find myself just taking it. Sometimes I wonder if any of them even like me at all. xD Or if I'm just useful sometimes. I like how they sometimes don't talk to me for months... and then out of the blue, say hello and ask for something. xD
And my thoughts are always... "They still need me! They haven't forgotten me!"
'Cause I honestly luff all my friends~
They're the best friends I've ever had. xD But. o.o I guess that isn't saying much since I've lived a loner's life. xD Though. o.o As a youngster, everyone was my friend! It was so easy back then. xD But then again. o.o Everyone still think they're my friend. xD
It just happens like that. When they know me to just an extent... they start saying hi all the time. Not that I mind... too much. o.o It's just weird. What makes me worth acknowledging. xD I barely talk to the people. o-o
Mreh. o.o
I don't honestly care anymore. xD I've decided one more chance. And if they push me away, or find another way to break me... I'm just going to give up. o.o I'll accept them if they try to get back in my life, I'm just not going to try anymore. xD I'm tired. Life's just too hard as it is. xD I don't really need this stress.
...
Do I make myself sound like a victim? xD I don't want to be. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone thinking that they are being referred to in this.
It's just me ranting.
Doesn't apply to you. Doesn't mean anything to you. It's just me having a breakdown in typing. I'll be better in like... fifteen minutes. xD
'Cause overall. o.o I am really happy with my life. xD Used to think it was terrible. But really, I've got nothing to cry about. xD I don't have the right to be unhappy. o.o I don't have the right to want to bleed. I don't have the right to much of anything. Just to be. o.o Be like everyone else, don't stand out. Don't be somebody, be another nobody. Set your life to autopilot, the route they designed for you. xD 'Cause no one's going to be happy with someone who decided to go in their own direction. o.o
I don't know what I'm talking about. xD I'm laughing a lot at myself. Sounding so pathetic.
My life is decent. Some one managed to show me that. xD Well, I knew... I just didn't want to accept it. Guess I wanted to believe I had a reason to be depressed. But I didn't. I'm just another average teenager, looking for attention. Looking for something to cling to. I'm just another mindless clone~
Not worth much. Not much different if I am here or not. Only one person seems to see any good in me. xD But I guess that's all I need~
'Cause overall. o.o I am happy. Not going to change anything, unless it can possibly make things even better. o.o Doubt it though. xD Though you won't catch me using the word 'perfect'.
Perfection isn't real. xD If something's perfect, then it's fake. o.o Something can't be perfect and real. Almost like opposites. xD And I don't want a perfect lie. o.o
I want something real. And I'll hold on to even the flaws. Because that's what I want. o.o
...
xD
I don't know. I hope this doesn't seem too negative. 'Cause it really wasn't supposed to be. Call it a happy ending. Might have started a little sour...
But... >.>
Mreh. o.o
All is well~
- Sakura Lied.
 Lyccea · Thu Jan 18, 2007 @ 03:21pm · 0 Comments |
