This is a diary entry i just did today (3/2/07) so it is a bit intense.
Oh my god, my heart s still pounding! After school, i walked part of the way home with James, then he got picked up but it was ok. So later that day i went around walking with him. I had to bring Emmie, my dog, so nothing happened at first. After I got rid of Emmie we went to the park and went on the swings. He pushed me but he got too close to my butt for compfort so i jumped off. "damn jacket" james cursed.
I walked out to the grass and layed down to look up at the sky while waiting for james cause i knew he would come. he came and layed down after he said "I hate bugs but im sacraficing that for u." whee We looked up at the sky and listened to my i-pod. Soon he said he was cold so i put my arm around him. "You read my mind," "It wasnt that hard." Eventually, i layed back on my back. Though it didnt last long. We were both on our sides now and holding each other.
This didnt last too long either. I stood up and we walked to the pipes and went through them. Then, back up to the path and walked back the direction we came. Now things started to happen. James started getting clingly, he is a lot (or at least in this way.) He likes to grab my waitst and pull me close to him. I resisted hugging him for awhile because the type of hugging.
Eventually, he said "Beccah, im cold." so i hugged him and he wrapped his arms around my waist, but inside of my coat. (it wasnt a sweatshirt but an open jacket) He said "you are warm" to me and i replied "I dont get cold that easily." Every so often he pulled me closer to him when we were already so close. He went a little bit into the back of my shirt, but curled his hands as if to warm them. also, james was resting his head on my shoulder and it was like he was smelling me or tempting kissing my neck, but did only once.
During all this, i was clenching the back of his jacket. My heart was pounding and i got a feeling that didnt feel very good so i ended up pushing him away. Going through the same process of him want, push away and give in about 3 times. The last time i didnt give in to the feeling, i just held on to his jacket ever so tightly. What it felt like is hard to explain, but i'll try.
It was as if I was so nervous my whole body was trembling. My stomach was on fire and i felt as if I would only feel better if i let go of him or rolled into a ball. It was as if my fear and nervousness were acting against me at the same time, attacking my body, but concentrated on my stomach. (Never eat and feel this way at the same time)
This time he pulled me closer than before as if he were going to lose me. I was about to snap here because i had never felt that way before. Though, what made me feel better was when we were still hugging and looked at each othere directly in the eyes. I do have to admit he wasnt always looking at my eyes. He kept looking down at my lips or boobs, but he was still looking me is the eyes most of the time. If I would have looked at him much longer than i know we would have kissed, but i wasnt ready for that so we didnt.
After this , we started walking back. We talked about normal things but my mom called and made me come home. I dropped James off at a pathway behind my house. We hugged again but I didnt let it last hardly as long as the rest. He pointed to his cheek, basically saying "I wanna kiss." I could have easily not done so, like many times before, but i didnt want to do that.
I went home and into my room. I was just sitting hear for about 10 mins re-taking in what just happened. I almost broke down to tears and almost puked (i had just ate, not smart on my part). I dont know why tho, but what is coming from this emence strain on what i know and am will be what i am in my future.
In a past letter i gave him, i used a metaphore to explain what i was going through. It was exactly this:
* "Fear is the guard to my heart."
* "No one has of yet to pass him and you are doing better than any other."
* "The Fear is almost disinigrated because of you."
But now Fear is showing his true colors by fighting back as a last defence. He has never had to do such a horrible thing that made me feel this way. I am almost at my breaking point but i know i must be strong and fight with James, For he will be my guide to the future me.
Through all of this, when i felt sick it was becuase i was battling fear and nervousness together. it wasnt bad, he isnt bad, i have changed for the better because of this.
now im tired... xp
good night
P.S. that day all this happened i had found a lucky penny on the floor >.<
Oh my god, my heart s still pounding! After school, i walked part of the way home with James, then he got picked up but it was ok. So later that day i went around walking with him. I had to bring Emmie, my dog, so nothing happened at first. After I got rid of Emmie we went to the park and went on the swings. He pushed me but he got too close to my butt for compfort so i jumped off. "damn jacket" james cursed.
I walked out to the grass and layed down to look up at the sky while waiting for james cause i knew he would come. he came and layed down after he said "I hate bugs but im sacraficing that for u." whee We looked up at the sky and listened to my i-pod. Soon he said he was cold so i put my arm around him. "You read my mind," "It wasnt that hard." Eventually, i layed back on my back. Though it didnt last long. We were both on our sides now and holding each other.
This didnt last too long either. I stood up and we walked to the pipes and went through them. Then, back up to the path and walked back the direction we came. Now things started to happen. James started getting clingly, he is a lot (or at least in this way.) He likes to grab my waitst and pull me close to him. I resisted hugging him for awhile because the type of hugging.
Eventually, he said "Beccah, im cold." so i hugged him and he wrapped his arms around my waist, but inside of my coat. (it wasnt a sweatshirt but an open jacket) He said "you are warm" to me and i replied "I dont get cold that easily." Every so often he pulled me closer to him when we were already so close. He went a little bit into the back of my shirt, but curled his hands as if to warm them. also, james was resting his head on my shoulder and it was like he was smelling me or tempting kissing my neck, but did only once.
During all this, i was clenching the back of his jacket. My heart was pounding and i got a feeling that didnt feel very good so i ended up pushing him away. Going through the same process of him want, push away and give in about 3 times. The last time i didnt give in to the feeling, i just held on to his jacket ever so tightly. What it felt like is hard to explain, but i'll try.
It was as if I was so nervous my whole body was trembling. My stomach was on fire and i felt as if I would only feel better if i let go of him or rolled into a ball. It was as if my fear and nervousness were acting against me at the same time, attacking my body, but concentrated on my stomach. (Never eat and feel this way at the same time)
This time he pulled me closer than before as if he were going to lose me. I was about to snap here because i had never felt that way before. Though, what made me feel better was when we were still hugging and looked at each othere directly in the eyes. I do have to admit he wasnt always looking at my eyes. He kept looking down at my lips or boobs, but he was still looking me is the eyes most of the time. If I would have looked at him much longer than i know we would have kissed, but i wasnt ready for that so we didnt.
After this , we started walking back. We talked about normal things but my mom called and made me come home. I dropped James off at a pathway behind my house. We hugged again but I didnt let it last hardly as long as the rest. He pointed to his cheek, basically saying "I wanna kiss." I could have easily not done so, like many times before, but i didnt want to do that.
I went home and into my room. I was just sitting hear for about 10 mins re-taking in what just happened. I almost broke down to tears and almost puked (i had just ate, not smart on my part). I dont know why tho, but what is coming from this emence strain on what i know and am will be what i am in my future.
In a past letter i gave him, i used a metaphore to explain what i was going through. It was exactly this:
* "Fear is the guard to my heart."
* "No one has of yet to pass him and you are doing better than any other."
* "The Fear is almost disinigrated because of you."
But now Fear is showing his true colors by fighting back as a last defence. He has never had to do such a horrible thing that made me feel this way. I am almost at my breaking point but i know i must be strong and fight with James, For he will be my guide to the future me.
Through all of this, when i felt sick it was becuase i was battling fear and nervousness together. it wasnt bad, he isnt bad, i have changed for the better because of this.
now im tired... xp
good night
P.S. that day all this happened i had found a lucky penny on the floor >.<
Community Member
I hope I can regain my emotions back..
I missed that kind of feeling that you experienced by hugging someone so tight..
There's always time for everything..
So don't rush it.. smile