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*raises hand* I bothered reading it! I've really enjoyed talking to you recently, and I think that I'd like to stay friends with you, so I might as well try to be a good one, ne? ^^ From what I can tell, you need a few good friends right now. I know exactly what you mean about missing old friends and how things used to be...I was so carefree and happy-go-lucky when I was in 8th and 9th grade, and I had several really good friends back then that I hardly ever talk to now. I've grown so much more mature since then...and a lot more bitter and serious. And then, in the years after that, after the end of 9th grade until the end of 11th grade...those years ******** sucked for me. The relationship I had with my parents deteriorated massively. I came to terms with the fact that I was gay--and I did it mostly on my own. I went from being very passionate about my birth religion to not believing in God at all and feeling like crap every Sunday when I went to church with my family. I went through a ton of self-mutilation s**t. And just on and on, I was probably at my lowest low during those years. But I had a few really great friends whom stuck with me through everything...and now, even though my life is in a much better direction and I'm not suicidal and things are looking up for me, I've lost track of a lot of those friends, and it's just crappy. It's easy to even wish that I was back in the middle of all of that just so that I could enjoy the closeness with those people again. But then again, I do like who I am today...and if I hadn't gone through all of that, I wouldn't be who I am today =/ So it is sad, but all we can really do is remember how good everything once was, and strive to make our futures that happy again. It sucks, but if we go on, then there will be good people that we will meet that will make our lives more worth living. They tend to be few and far between, but they're worth searching for...or at least I think so ^_^ On the other hand, I do agree...Gaia rocked so much more in 2004/2005 =/ I never posted a *ton*, but the atmosphere was just so much more...welcoming and family-like. I do miss that. Jaya quit Gaia because of how much it changed in the last year and a half. I've gotten pretty close to quitting a few times, but I do come back to post in LI every now and then (even though no one really seems to appreciate what I have to say >_>). Right now, you're the one who is keeping me here every day :3nod: As for your dad...I don't really know what to say. I don't know enough about your family to make conclusive comments about them. But I wish that he would realize how hard you work to protect him and to keep him a major part of your family, and I wish that he would come and see his grandson more often than he has =/ At least it's better than how you've told me your mom has been acting...but not all that much better. I hope that, for you, your dad will be able to live as long as he can through his illness, and that he will start counting his blessings and try to visit you and Malachi (and possibly a new baby, if you do decide to have another child soon :3) more often. You're not a selfish ******** for wanting to have a better relationship with your family. You're poor, and you're trying so hard to just make a living for yourself and your son, and no one can really expect you to be able to just fly up and see everyone yourself. Even though you're an adult, and even though you live far away and you're a mommy, you're still your parents' child and you still need to be taken care of and be cared about. Don't worry about being able to relate to the Bible--almost everyone can with some issue or another. It's diverse and long like that. Unfortunately people use that the wrong way, and tend to justify their actions because they can relate to some little insignificant thing in the Bible =/ So, blah. And the Prodigal Son just sucks, it's a story that Jesus told to try to get people to like the idea of repenting...and yet it just gets twisted so bad so that it no longer makes sense, and it just seems effing stupid. Silly Bible stories XD;; *hugs* Like I said, I read it, and I'll listen to you whenever you need to rant about your life. Ranting is good, it lets out negativity and prevents you from bottling things up and poisoning yourself. You need to have someone that will listen to you, so if you want, I will. I like listening to people ^_^

I still have a lot of my old original friends from Gaia on my friendlist. That makes me sad too, that we don't keep in touch anymore and we're not friends. T___T

:whee: I should have more hope that there are people like you around to read my stuff, Minji. :XD Well, and Niko, who gets props for reading my ramblings as well. Sorry to hear about the kind of stuff you went through. :/ Coming to terms with my sexuality wasn't all that hard for me, when it came down to it. Now, the coming out to my family.. That'll be hard. :sweat: But I'm putting that off until it looks like I'm going to be in a relationship. Right now, I don't need the extra drama, you know? Yeah, I'm glad I'm who I am. There were choices I could have made back then, and then I'd have some of those people in my life I think. But.. I don't know. Then I wouldn't have my son, and who's to say I'd really be happy? Yeah, I don't know what happened to make Gaia get all nasty. It's like.. All the people who used to be young and disrespected on the site grew up and just go around being cynical and nasty. That, and there's all the /b/ tards that think they're hot s**t. "har har, I can post a picture that has no relevance! That makes me so cool, because I don't have to use my brain to form a response!" :roll: I've thought about leaving, but I don't know. :/ It's mostly a boredom/social thing. :XD I know that even if I leave, I'll end up coming back. :roll: I don't really like talking/trying to meet people on myspace, and there's no way I'm doing the chatroom thing. I just don't feel like I really ever had parents. I mean, logically, I did. But there were maybe only like.. 6 years that they even acted that way? So now I just feel like I'm really missing out on a lot. And then with how I feel for my son, I can't imagine turning him away and just forgetting him to focus on something else when he's older. I've always mostly been an old testament girl. :sweat: Never have been really religious, but I like some of the ideals and morals the bible teaches. I pretty much see it the same as any other society's myth system. I read the bible one summer due to boredom. :XD I grew up without cable.. so. :roll: But only a few things stuck with me. You're such a good listener, too. :whee: And I'm here to listen to you if you ever need, too. :3nod:

Yesh, you should ^_^ I grew up in a really conservative family. I'd never even *heard* about gay people--I didn't know that such a thing existed. So, I felt really, really alone when I started realizing that I liked girls ^^;; And I've always been really shy...so, yeah. I was in pretty bad denial for a few years. I came out to my best friend in 9th grade, and I really actually expected her to just hate me and abandon me :sweat: I have a lot of issues with abandonment and trust, it's just hard to tell until I get clingy. Fortunately (or maybe not so fortunately, considering how bad of a break-up we had) she didn't hate me, actually confessed that she was bi as well, and we started dating not too long after that. It was a pretty dramatic time in my life. My mom bribed me (with strawberries! I'm a total fruit-aholic) around the time that my ex and I broke up so that I'd tell her what was wrong, and I came out to her then. She pretty much went, "What?! But...I thought that you wanted children! o__o ...Well, don't tell your dad, you'll break his heart. Don't tell anyone, actually. It's just a phase, so don't bother with it." And then she went into denial about it for about a year, and it was never talked about until she told my dad (behind my back >>), and ever since then they've gradually kind of gotten used to it :sweat: Anyway, it's understandable that you wouldn't need the extra drama right now. And I think that everyone has little things that they regret, but if life had save spots, we wouldn't end up as wise as we do. Yeah...well, Gaia always seemed a bit immature to me, but it's been a lot worse lately...it seems like the admins are forming the site to suit a younger and younger audience, too. And the story used to make slightly more sense before the whole Gino-turning-into-his-dad-thing came along XD;; I'm sorry that you didn't ever really get to have parents...however, I do think that with your experience with that, you'll probably be a better mother for it, because you won't want to put your own children through that. I always meant to read the Bible from cover to cover, but I never did. However, I probably know more about Christianity than a lot of people whom have read it like that o.o I was one of those strange kids whom actually listened to everything in church instead of tuning it out 'cause it was boring. I grew up without cable too X3;; Kinda sucked, 'cause all of my friends had it. But it didn't really matter, either, 'cause I've never really watched much TV...I've always been a serious bookworm. And thanks ^^

For the longest time, I thought my uncle died of cancer. Then, in high school, I was asking my mom (It was for a project in health) and she was like "He didn't die of cancer, he died of AIDs. He was gay." A few years after that, my dad would always say stuff like "Yeah, your Uncle got that award when he was a freshman in college, but that was before we found out he was a gaybob..." And things like that. x.x; So even once I started having doubts, it was like.. Not a comfortable situation.

Yeah, who knows. >.x; I totally don't get the storyline at all. xd I'm still stuck back in the day before they started all that stuff. crying When I came back, I was so confused with all the new stuff. sweatdrop I still am, mostly. >.>;

I've pretty much decided to try and be the best parent possible. Like, no matter what. And it really shows. People compliment me constantly because of how well behaved my son is, and they stay stuff like "You must spend a lot of time with him." And such, because he really is a little angel usually. whee

A lot of christians just seem to know the parts that they want to. >.>; The church I go to is extremely Pro-life and anti-gay. X.x So the opposite of me, basically. xd So I'll get to the point where I want to walk out a lot, because they'll say such bullshit. I have 2 giant bookshelfs full of books. gonk And I usually rent at least 5 or 6 from the library a week. sweatdrop

Eek =/ Yeah, it's opinions like those that make it really hard to come out. I was really nervous for a long time, 'cause I witnessed my parents and my grandparents dissing Ellen DeGeneres for being a lesbian before I had come out to anyone. Of course, that just made me become obsessed with learning everything about Ellen XD;; But ah well. I have a gay uncle in New York...no one really talks about it. He never officially came out to the family, but we just *know*. Even so, it's just not talked about. I don't want to end up like that, so I want to be able to come out to my extended family...so, hopefully my parents will let me tell them sometime soon :sweat: I read until the weird collision thing where Gino mutated, and then I was like, WTF and stopped reading :XD And I recently tried to go over the whole alien thing that we just had, but I totally couldn't get into it. I think the Gaia gods are losing creativity, seriously :sweat: That's a really good thing ^^ Your son does sound like he's really well behaved...he'll probably be a teacher's pet later 'cause of that X3 I know...my church was pretty good about it, it was pro-life and anti-gay, but those issues weren't commonly talked about. We focused a lot on forgiveness and repenting and such. I went through a phase where I thought that God hated me because of what I was, and I was just really heartbroken that I couldn't change it, so I just hated going to church because I felt like such a bad person every time I sat in the chapel. I had this panic attack type thing one year on Easter, because even though it was the biggest celebration in the church year and all the choirs and such were going all out for it, I felt so out of place and so evil and it was just horrid >_<;; Right now, I'm on a bit of a spiritual journey. I don't really know if I want to fit in with any specific religion =/ So, I'm just trying to study everything and figure out what I believe out of everything. I think that when I have kids, I'll try to expose them to as many religions as possible, so that they can grow up knowing a bit about everything and so that they can choose what feels right for them when they get old enough. My parents'll hate that, but I'm hoping that my kids will turn out better because of it ^^;; I have boxes and boxes of books at home in my old bedroom XD;; I'd bring them here, but there's just only so much room at a time when I travel :sweat: