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The Oxford Dictionary defines respect as a. To feel or show honor or esteem for, consider or treat with deference or courtesy b. To show consideration for; avoid intruding upon or molesting c. To concern, relate to d. A feeling of deference, honor, or esteem. In this paper we will examine several aspects of how respect works in a D/s relationship, and the manners in which the respect is shown and received between different partners.
To understand how respect effects others, it is important to understand what attributes are required in someone for me to have respect for them. Understanding these traits will reinforce the desires for expressions of respect, as they will serve as reminders to me why I choice to respect a particular person. For me to feel respect towards someone they need to possess, all or in part, the following traits: intelligence, kindness, leadership, knowledge in areas that are beyond mine, trust, and honor. They must also show respect for me. Although the expressions of respect differ between people, it is important for both parties to feel that they are respected.
The importance of respect in relationships varies depending on the intimacy and commitment between the parties involved. By respecting another person I am increasing the intimacy and commitment in the relationship. Having respect shows in gestures the faith that one person has for another's ability. Respect allows for confident decision making, it allows for freedom of thoughts and expressions, and it opens the doors to furthering trust and love.
Before addressing respect in a D/s relationship, I will explore the different levels of respect among various relationships. This examination will allow for the evolution of respect from friends to lovers to Masters to be fully explored and questioned. The formation of respect in a relationship is always in flux. In the good relationships, this respect is growing along with its counterparts, trust and love . In bad relationships, respect can be seen as diminishing and devaluing the relationship through time.
The level of respect within a relationship could be defined by the level of intimacy in relationships. Those who are at a level of slight intimacy are considered under the level of respect for friends. As a relationship progresses the level of respect should also grow. In a TPE there is a need for respect on both sides of the relationship. Although the way this respect is expressed tends to be different for the different people involved the internal reasoning for that respect remains the same. Each person will also have different criteria for what traits a person needs to possess for them to be worthy of that respect.
Although respect is needed in most, if not all, daily interactions the level and expression of respect differs among each interaction. Respect to friends is given over time to individuals who show themselves to be worthy. This respect is based normally on the assumption that each party continues to be respectful of the other. This respect is balanced between each partner meeting the needs and wants within the frame work of the relationship. This respect is given based on merit and design.
Family respect, however, is normally considered default in many blood relations. This includes respecting the other person for who they are, not only what they do. Since this bond is not dependent on the actions of the people involved it is important to carefully consider the loss of respect for a family member. This respect can mostly remain dormant for several weeks or months, if the family members are not speaking regularly. This does not diminish the feelings of respect nor the commitment to family members.
In daily life, the people who I spend most of my time with is my coworkers and my boss. These people require a certain amount of respect for the knowledge they possess in a job function and for the ability to manage the workers around them to produce an environment to allow for job fulfillment and a pay check. This respect is mainly dependent on the continuing productivity of the worker. If a worker proves to be unloyal, unreliable, or unhelpful the respect level diminishes.
Respect in a D/s relationship is similar to the respect given to friends, family, and my boss. The level of respect in a D/s relationship depends on the wishes of those involved. If respect is wanted only in the form of protocols and actions, the relationship to me seems to be on a superficial level. As the level of D/s increases the internal, or emotional, respect should also increase. This respect is directly related to the ability of the Dominant to show superior knowledge and control over the submissive.
Although respect is normally referred to as in the respect that one person gives to another, it is not the only form. Respect is also given to inanimate objects, such as books, cars, and homes. These are extensions of a person. They are private items kept for a specific purpose. These items should be treated carefully, with good handling and care, treated as if they belonged to me. By treating the other persons property with respect shows an extension of the respect that I possess for them.
Having identified the evolution of respect is and the reasons why I would have respect for another person, it is time to discuss the expressions and effects of respect. For this I will focus directly on the effects of respect within a D/s relationship. We can identify these as external forms of respect, as opposed to the internal, or emotional, respect. There are several ways that I can show respect. Such as, showing interest, not arguing with decisions, showing deference in areas where the other person has more knowledge, giving tokens of appreciation, giving honest and prompt answers to questions, and trying not to take over situations and surpass the other person authority. Several of these examples will cross between being merely external and be both an extension of the emotional respect mixed with an external action.
One way to show respect for another person is to concentration on what the other person is saying. After asking a question, great detail should be given to the person answering the question. It is important to have concern over what is being asked. Make them 'Soup Questions' . The person answering is sharing their thoughts and feelings with me and should not be ignored or drowned out by my own thoughts. I should make an effort to become interested in the same sort of activities that Sir enjoys, and be able to carry on an intelligent conversation about those subjects.
Showing deference in areas of greater knowledge means allowing the other person to fully express or explain himself in an area where they have expertise. This is not an activity to attempt to change the opinion or thoughts of the other person. Accepting this knowledge as fact, or at least as another point of view, is the appropriate response. Discussing difference between the views is appropriate only if both parties wish to continue the conversation in that manner. I should learn to stop and listen to explanations without attempting to defend why I don't need to know. If Master is saying something to me, it is his wish and order that I am to learn from him.
Giving prompt and honest answers is the ability to answer the question asked with an honest answer. The Dominant is inquiring something from me, they wish to examine the ideas that I have. It is important to remember that "I Don't Know" is an appropriate answer. Sometimes an explanation following that is appropriate, at other times it is not. I should check with Sir to find out if he needs more information, and trust that if he wants more information he will ask.
By allowing the other person to control the situation shows respect in their ability to handle a situation without interference. The ability to allow the Dominant to handle situations is difficult for me since I am used to stepping in and controlling outcomes. It is a natural instinct in many to take over when they view something as going badly. This interference, though well intentioned, can cut the amount of respect that the Dominant has, making the situation worse than it was perceived earlier. Letting go in private seems easy to me, it is the ability to allow outside situations out of my control that tends to increase my anxiety over something going awry that could damage my, or my Owners image in the community. Again it goes back to trusting that my Owner will do nothing that will harm me. If His actions get him banned from a particular place, then it would be the same as if he had ordered/decided not to attend on his own.
An important part of the external aspects of respect is the giving of tokens of appreciation. These can include physical gifts, such as candies, jewelry, special dinners or activities. It can also include special moments shared between partners or special writings intended for mental pleasures of the other person. It is important for a submissive to know what things her Dominant would like. If its back rubs, foot massages bubble baths, etc. This knowledge is a helpful tool in showing my respect to the Dom.
The culmination of the pervious expressions can be seen in doing what I am told. By doing this I am able to show trust, deference, honor, and respect to Sir. I am showing that I trust their intelligence to determine what I am capable of doing. I am deferring to their power and am allowing myself to be controlled specific manners. I am honoring the power that I have chosen to give in the relationship. I am respecting the other persons feelings by taking their commands seriously and with consideration.
Respect to others in the BDSM community normally consists of being polite. It involves a delicate balance between respecting the wishes of my dominant and respecting the existing rules and expectations of the surrounding area. In all cases it should be the wishes of my Dominant that supersede any existing in the surrounding community. The trust issue comes into play here. It is necessary for me to totally trust my dominant to fully consider all actions that he is taking and how they will affect not only him, but me as well. This is something that also ties into letting the other person have control over a situation and not interfering.
In addition to the importance of the respect of the submissive to the Dominant there are many who feel that the actual first step is the respect from the dominant to the submissive. This may seem odd to those who are unfamiliar with the concept of power exchange, however, it is an integral part of the relationship. Those submissive who are not respected are left in a relationship where one part is not respected. This lack of respect from either party can ruin an otherwise compatible relationship. The power that the submissive gives to her dominant should not be underestimated. The submissive in a Power Exchange relationship is at the emotional, not only physical, mercy of her dominant. A subtle change in tone can cause the submissive's mood to change dramatically, as well as the well known punishment of simply saying "you disappoint me". This phrase negates everything that is in the nature of the submissive to want to do.
In order for me to feel safe in a power exchange relationship the respect of the dominant should be present and strong. It is hard enough learning to give control away in a respectful relationship, it is harder when that control given is not viewed as a gift, but more as a necessity or is taken for granted. Although on the surface it may appear difficult for a dominant to show respect for his submissive, I feel it can be quite easy. The different external forms of respect that a submissive can show her Dominant also can be used the other way.
One such example of respect is asking questions of your submissive for which you desire truthful answers. Allowing me the freedom to speak freely, if desired, and to accept my opinions. Although these opinions may differ it is important not to berate or become angry over the opinions. This will only encourage me to find opinions that are more to the Dominants taste, and not truthful my own. Taking an interest in my hobbies and encouraging growth in these areas also provides the award of having a happy submissive. The ability for couples to enjoy non BDSM related actives together can help to strength the D/s bond that they develop.
Respecting the submissive is also about respecting their intelligence and having the ability to admit when the Dominant is wrong. Being wrong does not have to be often, or necessary, at all. However, if you have an intelligent submissive treating them as if they have the brain power of a five year old could backfire on you. Such things as talking down to them, acting condescending or treating ignorance as stupidly are all ways that show disrespect to the submissive. Intelligence level for me is about par with the physical insecurities that other people have about their bodies, I for one would rather be called fat than stupid. Respect must also be given to the submissive in response to their continued effort in the D/s relationship. Just as a Dominate has several different things that they would enjoy, it is a good idea to learn the special desires of your submissive to use as rewards or treats. As humans we all enjoy the reinforcement of positive behavior. This will allow the submissive to see that the Dominant is also enjoying his submissives behavior. These rewards/pleasures do not need to be seen as outside the realm of D/s. For example, a nice evening of head petting, or using a special toy on your submissive are all wonderful ways to 'reward' good behavior.
There are several similarities between the way workers respect their boss and the way a D/s relationship works. Below is an expert from an article published in Vision, written by Ann C. Humphries in March 1998. I have included comments, in Italics, that relate to how these can be used in a D/s relationship.
Employees value a manager who: Is honest -- Honesty is interpreted as not overselling what I can do, being frank, and keeping numbers accurate. Anyone who cheats on the golf course or on a time sheet, withholds important information, inaccurately reports it, or takes credit for something they didn't do - is dishonest. This relates back to the idea of the traits needed in a Dominant for a submissive to respect them. It is also an important trait to have in trust building.
Shows appreciation - Employees are desperate for their contributions to be acknowledged. They work more earnestly when their work is appreciated. Writing a note or mentioning progress is inexpensive and goes a long way. Employees like a boss who doesn't feel threatened when an employee is recognized. This is good background for remembering the importance of treating submissives to small treats. Showing respect to your submissive for a job well done is similar to showing disapproval for a job not done correctly.
Respects employees - Employees want bosses to let them do the jobs for which they were hired. They want support when they are right - but not "blind" support. They want to be protected from bad decisions, too. Employees want acknowledgment of personal issues that need attention, especially family situations. They appreciate a manager who takes time to explain things and who does not play favorites . This part relates back to the importance of keeping mutual trust alive in a relationship. It is about the respect between both people. As Termais says in her email "The presence of mutual respect of this latter sort (that of the emotional respect between partners) might be said to be a litmus test for the health of a relationship. I might not have a great relationship even if I both respect each other, but I are certain to have a shitty one, if one or both of I do not."
Listens respectfully - Employees appreciate managers who listen to what they are saying, consider new sides of an issue, and take time with people. This is the expression of showing consideration to the other persons thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
Moving these ideas from paper into practice will take some work.
Several different methods are useful in determining the best method of doing so. Some ideas include: repetition on the part of myself to remember my place, and my desires, when the rest of the world seems to want to intrude upon my space, punishments and explanations when respect is not received, perhaps specific tests set up to test the level of respect and gage the areas which are weak and need improvement. Although many could say it is the Dominants job to teach respect to a submissive who does not have it, I feel it is more about working with the submissive to build up the trust and respect that seems to be missing in the relationship. I do not believe that respect can be beaten into, or droned into, another person. It is earned.
In conclusion, although it is hard to specifically explain the feeling and expressions of respect over a broad range of people, it is important to not overlook the necessity of respect in a relationship. For all sorts of relationships it is a cornerstone needed to increase the trust, love and intimacy between the people involved. It is important to remember that different ideas on respect can lead to different expectations and that these ideas should be worked out as the problems arise. Respect is also a two-way road that requires commitment and desire from all parties. It is about showing how I honor, care, cherish, and desire my Dominant.
l Jinxster l · Thu Mar 29, 2007 @ 06:04am · 1 Comments |
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