It's Not a Good One
Lately when I look back at my life, it makes me think of different songs. Right now, when i think of my life, i think of the song "On My Own" By BarlowGirl. It's a pretty good song. I like it at least. Lately, I make the same mistakes over and over and I never realized it until it slaps me in the face, making the heartbreak I'm feeling right now worse.
Last night, my boyfriend and I were up talking late...we have this thing we do on the phone, he'll ask a question about me, I answer then I ask him and so on. Well, I asked him about his last gf, I asked him if he missed her ever. I'm not mad but he said sometimes he did...
I'm not sure that he has any idea how much that hurt me. I'm not mad at him! I'm not upset with him and I'm not jealous. If I were jealous, I'd be acting like I was mad at him. It's just that...lately...he thinks theres something missing between us and...that hurt me too. Hell, I started crying right there! That's how my last boyfriend ended it with me.
When he said he missed her, I asked him what he missed. Then he said how easily she could calm him down when he was mad. I'm not sure he knew that it hurt more when he said I didn't have that. No, I don't have that. Because, when he gets mad, so do I. That's how I am. When my friend's are sad or angry, I am mad and sad with and for them. I have to calm down before I can help them.
Now, of course, I could try to forget my own anger and help him but it's hard for me to do that. I grew up with a very agressive father. He didn't hit me, he just yelled alot about just about anything. It's made it hard for me to stay level headed when people get mad. It also doesn't help when my bf is mad and he's takin it out on me by being rude or mean. That just makes my willingness to help lessen. It's not that I don't care but I'm not about to take that when it shouldn't be directed at me. I've been having people do that to me my whole life. I'm not taking it anymore.
I'm tired of people doing that to me. He does do that sometimes...I don't normally say anything because it woul only make him madder, at least, the way I was raised, asking him not to do something, makes the man get more angry. Thats how my dad was and its hard to get around the idea that all men are like that.
Oh...he's makin it really hard to be even slightly upset. Everytime he tells me he loves me, or that talking to me late at night means alot to him, i melt! Well, I think this is long enough..but I have one more thing to say, i really hope he can call me today at 12:30...I really do because everytime I hear his voice I feel happy. Now if only it was enough to make the aching in my chest stop.
