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Journal of Paige
idk, i guess i write in it
What does it feel like? nothing. everything. bliss. pain. the beginning but the end. deep and slow is how it goes. savor each devastating moment as i continue to destroy myself. the little beads of scarlet grow on the slit, collecting then rolling down my skin. at first i feel only a sting, then nothing. oh, such a sensational relief to feel nothing. the pain and guilt and suffering of another day bleeds away. slice after slice, slowly and methodically i use my only weapon against this world, against myself. i feel the warmth of my blood running down my arms, dripping onto the floor. i make no effort to stop it. i just savor the clarity of this moment.

but that is not the end. after the laceration of my body has ceased, reality regains its proper place in the front of my mind, clouding my vision of dreams and hopes. the tears fuzz my vision, my breathes become choked. a silent scream is all to be heard. all the pains and the insults and lies and truths overwhelm me. pitiful. useless. ugly. selfish. freak. alone. thats the one that hits me hardest. alone. alone. ALONE! I look around, this space around me, a constant reminder of what is true. tears run down my face. a primative noise escapes my throat and all i can do is crawl into a ball, trying to protect myself from the evils that surround me. alone. alone. alone. no one will come. my arms, my legs, my hands covered in thin scars. marking me forever what i am. what i always will be. maybe one day, i think, they will fade. but i, I ALONE, will know their presence, feel each one burning into my flesh, my soul. and that is the end. that is how it feels.

*thought this up today, tell me what you think. might be somethig i add to something i write, like a book i dont know

Do you want to know the enormity of the impact you have on my life? Because of you, not even my own feelings are my own. my mood depends on yours. My feelings of how i look is dependent on how you look at me. I can be in complete chaos or bliss, and i will change completely how i feel based on how you act around, how you look at me, how you talk to me. Its emotionally exhausting. What is this? Does this make it right? How can I go from the pinnacle of happiness to the utter depth of sadness within seconds? You are one of my greatest strengths, but also my greatest weakness.

*this is just something i wrote as practice for my writing im not crazy.... yet

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