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Ahem. This is going to be long, but it is very meaningful to me.

Even as a kid, I never identified as anything other than shy. It was how I was introduced to strangers, and what the teachers referred to me as. As I got into high school, I adapted a bit and called it "extreme shyness." After a certain point, I had a hard time finding out who I truly was because I could only think of myself in terms of the debilitating "shyness" that I had always identified with. Now that I'm an adult, I call it for what it is: anxiety. More importantly, I have finally realized that it is not who I am; it is only one part of the complex human being named Christine.
As I type this, I am twenty five years old. I have never held a "real" job, and my friendships have all dwindled away to "we should get together soon" comments on Facebook. I blame this almost entirely on my anxiety, but you can't really tell that to the panel of interviewers who want to know why you haven't been employed beyond your babysitting jobs. This fact alone has caused a great deal of stress, and not just during interviews. I've projected a lot of shame onto my family that I've bounced back onto myself. It's lasted years. It helped me hit rock bottom, and bounce back up stronger than before.

One night, maybe about two months from now, I had an anxiety attack for the ages. I had these a lot; sometimes a day would be an extended anxiety attack (I normalized them before I ever knew what they were even called). At this time, my partner and I had a pregnancy scare that I was determined to keep secret until I found out the truth. We finally concluded that it was only a scare, but a badly-timed text message from a friend who pried too deeply into my personal life set off a wave of anxiety that ended with me lying, paralyzed, on my bed and my mind filled with delusions of being disowned by my family and pregnant with a baby I couldn't afford. Delusions are really interesting. They are completely fictional, and entirely irrational; but when you are being consumed by one, it simply doesn't matter. I don't know how long I stood there, next to my bed, staring at nothing with my eyes wide and overwhelmed to the point of being unable to cry. I lied down on my bed, and the size of my stomach only solidified that I simply must be pregnant. At some point, I stood up. Finally, my rational mind took hold. I told myself that 1) I wasn't even pregnant, and 2) even if everybody I knew and loved did disown me, ******** 'em! I'm living my life for me, and if nobody around me can accept that then they are not the kind people I thought they were. But something else had clicked, and I wasn't sure how to utilize it. Countless thoughts were racing through my head. It was like years worth of confusion, denial, and pain were being, not explained, but understood. I walked into the kitchen, where my partner was cooking. I ignored everything he said because I, frankly, had a lot going on. Now, he often doesn't realize that I'm having an anxiety attack; partly because they are so often and numerous, and partly because they can be undetectable. He did not realize that I had just had the biggest one I can remember, so when I asked him if I looked like myself, he was understandably confused. But I was very curious about this because I was experiencing something I had never experienced before. I was looking at him as if from the depths of my brain. The dark areas around my eyes that usually fade into the background suddenly became the walls to a long tunnel that lead to ME. I felt completely different, and completely and entirely calm and peaceful. He tried to guide me into the living room, but I stopped him. I wanted him to know that I didn't need him to coddle me because I wasn't experiencing anxiety. The next few hours (until I went to sleep) were filled with deeply meaningful conversation. I was able to reveal parts of myself that I had kept hidden from every, single person I have ever known. Secrets that exposed my vulnerabilities, reasons behind my unhealthiest habits. I realized that for most of my life, I had been afraid and unwilling to let anybody get close to me. But I was now confident that these were not problems I dealt with any longer. It was exciting, but at the time it did not feel like it was anything out of the ordinary. It just seemed like I now understood, and that was that.


I could go on for days about that incredible night, but the reason I am typing it down now is because I want to talk about how it has affected my anxiety. I mentioned that anxiety attacks were the norm for me. Since that night, I have had two minor attacks. The events that triggered them were big, which leads me to believe that it is a process that I am learning. So what happens during the times where I would normally get an attack? I use logic. This is just my terminology for it, but I channel the energy that would have been pure anxiety and turn it into something useful. I go into what I've been calling "logic mode." I can catch my breath for once and ask myself, "What can I do to change what I'm feeling right now? Can I change the situation? Am I only freaking out due to habit? Is this truly a bad situation?" And I can actually logic myself out of the attack. This is incredible to me! It's so amazing! I can't even convey how happy I am about this in text, but know that I am so stoked to have gotten to this point. It's triggered so many new thoughts and emotions. That night, one of the thoughts that came racing out of my mouth was the topic of mental illnesses. I consider anxiety to be something real and negative that is going on inside of oneself. I now consider it to be a source of potential. What if what we call anxiety is a blessing (for lack of a better term)? A rush of energy that, when used instead of allowing it to use you, can be a good thing? This idea excites me greatly! But I just wanted to post this as a record.