Dear Jacky,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it last year when you peed your pants outside of your office and I saw you drive over my boyfriend. I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your car, but keeping your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I will always remember the pep talks and you ruined my attempt at another world war.

Go milk a cow