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We're getting closer. I don't know if I can handle it this soon. I feel guilty, and still in love with Andrew. Starting a relationship with those lingering feelings would not be a good idea. What I would like to do is just figure it out by myself for a while...a month, maybe even longer..however long it takes for me to feel again. It just hurts now, remembering all the good things and how I don't want it to end. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to go into a relationship with him still in love with Andrew. I just can't do it right now.

I'm so confused. I think that I could really be into this guy if it wasn't for the current circumstances. He's one of my best friends, so either way I don't want him to leave. I've been letting him get too close to me, but maybe that's because of my fears. If I don't, would he leave? I don't want to lose any more friends. I let him kiss me, I let him touch me. What the hell am I getting myself into? Do I want this? A part of me screams yes, but the majority is just confused. I don't want to hurt Andrew, nor do I want to led my friend on.

So now I'm prone to random bursts of quiet tears. They just roll down my face. No more sobbing, it's too loud. I feel like there is nothing else I can do. I should just close myself off for a while. I want to try something other than being open, it just hurts most of the time. I don't know if being distant would help any, but I probably won't be able to do it for very long anywho. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could do that...but it's not me. I've never been good at denying myself who I am.

*explodes* gonk