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oh s**t, I'm such a wreck right now
im sposed to write boy a letter for tomorrow, i dont thnk i can do it right this second, my hands are shaking like crazy. i think my dad is sick again because he got back tonight from toronto, came in with his luggage when i wa sin the shower and i was in there, washing up, and I hear him just,,, ******** roar my name- i was so startled I fell over, cut the inside of my lip a little but otherwise fine- and ran out after i pulled my sweats on- 'causeI thought he had hurt himself or something, he sounded ******** rabid. ******** my head is pounding- anyways, he starts screaming about finding an empty ice cream carton on the counter, and he's- furious. no exaggeration- top of his lungs- and hardly anybody knows what that sounds like, it's scary- his accent comes back, your ears ring- i'm really kinda scared at the moment. And he's talking about how he goes away and comes back in a few weeks and everything is a mess and we're trying to sell the house etc.- and by this pointin time I'm shaking, and starting to tear up, and i start trying to shout at him that I've been doing this, watching over this house for 4 out of 5 weeks now without a parent and watching my 3 siblings there during the week- sometimes even weekends. and it's easy for him to come home and scream, but I... christ. I'm seventeen. This isn't neccesary. whatever happened with him, no matter what he's feeling about this divorce, he doesn't have the right to take it out on me. I'm doing the very best I can. I'm exhausted. And I'm really, really hurt. And scared. And trapped. I thought things were going to get better once he got back- he'd start taking care of his kids and helping out- I have the feeling this is going to turn into one more thing for me to cope with. I don't know if I can handle it. In fact- I'm completely sure I can't handle it.
********.