-
If I could hate you
Painfully hate you with all my strength
Hiding and evading when we encounter
It's because wanting to let you go
But still missing you
Who is more miserable than I am
Fearing being reminded of the past
No matter how hard the arms are stretched
There is still distance between us...
-
That really gets to me. Because, in ways, that's how I'm feeling. Somewhat.
I just... really love them.
Example One... Eugene
Ever since the love triangle, I've slunk back..
I was scared to like him anymore.
I tried to make myself forget him and thought-
perhaps the only way I could is to 'hate' him.
I thought to hate him, he would give up on me and go for Bella.
That would solve everything but in my heart...
and somehow, in my heart, there is this part that loves him.
The memories, happy and sad just haunt my mind,
so I'm scared to remember it.
And even if in the future, we meet up or something,
we might still have feelings for eachother.
But no matter how close we might physically be,
we just have this distance or barrier.
Age barrier? Distance barrier? Parent barrier?
I don't know...
I still miss him... I'll just try to forget him again.
It nearly worked, but last night I had a dream about him,
and now I've listened to this song...
Even when I see Carmen wear the necklace,
I immediately think of him.
Do I love him?
Example Two... Carmen
Sometimes I feel like hating her.
So life would be simpler.
I know this way, we'll both be hurt...
This is selfish of me I know.
But sometimes, I can't stand pain that's being caused.
I don't want to hate her. And I can't.
I just keep wondering what she's doing,
wondering if she's happy or not,
what she's thinking...
And it just hurts me that I have to let go of someone I care about.
Today, I pretended to not see her sometimes.
It was... hard.
And I pretended to smile and laugh like nothing happened.
But today, it was also a happy day.
Especially the awesome moment with the swirling ant and her singing...
it was a good moment.
I want to hear her again...
Why do I do even try to ignore/hate her?
I'm not sure. Perhaps I have two choices.
One. She begins to drift away from me so I can be a loner again.
Then I have less things to worry about and I can concentrate on stuff like studying.
I also don't have to care about hurting friends feelings if I don't have any friends.
The other possibility is that we become better friends and somehow,
all the troubles just disappear and everyone would be happy
All this hatred...
I feel this constant hatred towards me.
Anyways...
I just really care about her so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm like,
all clingy and stalkerish and perhaps,
I should just leave her and let her go.
Perhaps thats best for her...
In my past, I have many friendship problems,
always being a loner, rejected.
In group activities, I'm always the one that sits on the floor,
always hoping someone might ask to be my partner. -sigh-
As with the distance...
I sometimes still feel there is a barrier sometimes.
Sometimes, it's broken and I feel no restrictions.
That's when I'm happiest.
But sometimes, I feel there are things between us
and it makes me feel weird.
I feel like crying.
I'm pathetic aren't I?
View User's Journal
-Tis Sparrow-
 |
