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i don't want to bump positivity off my top post
feb 21, 09
feeling endlessly suicidal. i can't believe how bad it is. i haven't felt this bottomed out in years. i would rather die than be forced to go back to minnesota, living with my parents whom barely approve of me as it is, and don't have room for me
i'm forecasting failure on all fronts, i'm so accustomed to it and i've learned that the more direly i want something, the more likely i'm not going to get it, even if i try for it
people keep saying don't give up, don't give up, you just have to be persistent, well there's a point at which a human being can't physically take so much of this anymore, where everyone is hounding you to do something and you can't even guarantee you can do it. "get a job" is a ******** roll of the dice in today's america, and in all seriousness, I don't have this kind of luck.
I wonder if Tony will ever get off maple and do the same I'm doing... he's got better luck than I do, ffs. i can't say i'm mad at him, i'm not... i'm just ******** scared, i'm scared he doesn't really think about getting to our plans and is just kind of biding his time for now until the spring...
my biggest fear is getting all saved up and getting a job and moving out there to be near him and then not being able to find a job again out there and having to go home. or end up in the same freeloading situation, only in tony's house.
big ******** waste of time. i'd rather ******** die. god i'm so ******** scared, this repetitive failure has beaten me down so hard, and my health is going to s**t PROBABLY as a result, and I'm spending every morning in tears trying to sort through the applications and the paperwork, keeping up with my art shop best I can, just to ******** keep busy in the meantime when nobody is around to talk to
and even if i do talk to someone, unless it's tony, it turns into an accusation somehow, that I'm just dwelling on it, that I'm upset for no reason, that I'm exaggerating and I'm fine and I should just stop whining about it and buck up. or i feel bad thinking i'm putting s**t on them because they're too sympathetic to me.
and i'd just rather only talk to him but he's never around anymore... if i afk he sneaks off and doesn't come back... probably falling asleep...
and i'm this constantly unhappy girl that can't be fun to talk to, i wouldn't doubt he's just hanging back until i buck up, i wonder if he realizes just how together he keeps me when i get to talk to him every day...
i just want to sleep, sleep and sleep and never have to wake up, not to pee not to eat not to do anything, just sleep until everything that's crushing my heart right now just goes away, but i'm too mature to think it would... avoiding or ignoring problems never made them go away, not even for a moment.
i can't even cry, crying brings cluster headaches... feels like i have to balance everything just so carefully for my body to not ******** up and start screaming at me... PISSES ME THE ******** OFF. The weather changes, full-body category 9 migraine. The temp drops in my room, massive sinus headache the entire next day. I don't eat before bed, morning cluster headaches. I cry, clusters. I don't eat, clusters. I don't shower, clusters. ******** prissy a** cranium of mine can't deal with ANYTHING without busting into ******** headaches.
Call me a whiner but these ******** headaches make me spasm in weird places, swell in intensity until i fall over, knock me the ******** out... I deal with a constant sinus headache every day of my life without complaining, I don't puss out on headaches. Don't even ******** THINK of telling me I do. GET INSIDE MY BODY FOR A DAY AND THEN TELL ME I'M BLOWING s**t OUT OF PROPORTION.
Tell me stress is giving me fevers... well... Whatever the ******** it's doing, it's ******** with me in a way that is not ******** safe. Maybe it's as stupid as a long-time incubating respiratory infection. Maybe it's a UTI. I don't ******** know. I thought I could just wait it out and let my immune system beat it. And for a bit it looked like it BUT NOPE THEY'RE STILL THERE, and even stronger, and now I've got grinding feelings when I breathe and I'm shaking and feeling weak and feeling a tight pressure in my skull and my neck, and sometimes my back and stomach... Even if stress is causing this, THIS ISN'T ******** NORMAL AND DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TELLING ME IT IS. And telling me to work out is NOT going to help when I've got these fevers when I feel like passing out and get out of breath just walking across the living room.
Can I say anything without sounding overdramatic? Can anyone believe me when I say I honestly feel like I'm going to die when I get these ******** things? I'm not used to feeling that weak or vulnerable, I've never felt like that before, not even when I was horribly anemic and undergoing IV iron. I don't get out of breath walking across the house normally. I don't feel like fainting when I sit up normally. TELL ME THIS IS NORMAL ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL ******** KILL SOMEONE.
.... This degraded into a sob rant. For anyone that might read it, I apologize. But I had to get it out. And I doubt it will get read anyway....
tl;dr
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