Morality.
Wen-M posted in his dA journal about the reasons behind human behavior, along the lines of reward/punishment versus sympathy/empathy.
It all boiled down in the comments to no human being actually empathizes, and that everyone does things for the reason of reward or avoiding punishment.
The example is a young man yields his seat on a bus for an elderly woman, and the trains of thought Wen presents go from being afraid of being frowned upon or prosecuted, thinking someone will do the same for him, knowing that it's socially respected or acceptable to do so, and the last one- because he thinks she needs the seat more than he does.
Personally, and I know I like to make myself look SO angelic, but it's the last option for me, and call me a liar and call me self-righteous all you want but that is how it is. My actions are dependent on what will put other people at ease. That's not how I wish it was, it's how it really truly is.
But even then, is that still reward? The fact that the aim is a genuine pleasing of the other person involved, not making them feel pitied or obliged, is that my reward, a genuine smile or sigh of relief or whatever it might be?
My ex is still emailing me, calling me nasty, horrible things, accusing me of things I'm hardly guilty of, one maybe I am... but just generally, I've been keeping myself out of it and trying to make it about him getting over our breakup and moving on with his life. While I can say it's because I don't want to deal with it anymore, I have dealt with worse, more nagging s**t in my life and not faltered.
What broke me down was that relationship, being accused constantly of being disingenuous and a freeloading, leeching, irresponsible lazy person who didn't give a flying rat's a** about anyone but herself. THE LAST person I think about satisfying is myself, and that is a flaw I will admit, now that I'm aware it isn't a virtue like I'd been raised to think. Constantly being forced to doubt my true nature ruined any ability of mine to concentrate on my own mental health and get over the horrible things my mind was putting me through.
I feel I should apologize to Aj for lashing out at him, but being in his nature I doubt he would accept it. And I don't feel like hearing him lash back at me. While I don't feel a need to thank him for making my breakup with George that much more turbulent and hurtful, at least he brought it about expediently. Now if I could just forgive him for lying to Tony about that other thing for me.
stare
Again, he was thinking about the well-being of the people involved, but perhaps while his motives were genuine, his actions themselves were underhanded and dishonest. I forgave him for lying to George... I don't know that I can forgive him yet for destroying Deliverance. I'm getting over that game though... what I was going to get out of that game, I have, and I have no more need to stay in its grasp and be drained to death by the lure of perceived progress and long-distance friendship, when I could have the real thing right here with me.
I'll thank that game for giving me what it gave me; the home I live in now, the friends I have now, and the love of my life whom I can never replace.
From now on I will tell you who I am. You can only shut up and listen. I won't be told who I am anymore.
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