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...... go away


spunky dude2
Community Member
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6 comments
Another Story
The gun was in his hand, the barrel pointing straight at his own brother, and then he did it, the trigger was pulled. BANG! The round was shot, his hand was trembling from shooting, smoke was making its way out of the barrel, and the scent of gunpowder was in the air. He dropped the weapon and fell to his knees; he could not believe what he just did. He killed his own brother! The body was lying across from him; its eyes were as wide as the moon, and as lifeless as the cement that was under his feet. The reason why he did it seemed so idiotic now that he realized that his brother wasn’t coming back, all because he wouldn’t show up to the funeral of their mother. Someone dying for not honoring the dead, it seemed so stupid, but it was already done, and he was next to the smoking gun! It didn’t matter to him though; he knew his own death was inescapable, and he accepted his inevitable fate. He just sat still, tears running down his cheeks as the sirens grew closer and closer. He picked up the weapon one last time, but this time he pointed it at himself. He said one last thing to the lifeless body of his brother, “I’ll see you on the other side.” He closed his eyes and pulled the trigger, it was over.



sorry it's a little violent this time, it just popped in my head.





User Comments: [6]
turquoiseflower
Community Member





Mon Mar 31, 2008 @ 05:55am


Great writing! I love this kind of stuff, don't ask me why. So dramatic!


born2surf
Community Member





Sat Apr 05, 2008 @ 06:19am


I sort of have mixed feelings about this piece of writing.

First of all, the idea of the story is pretty good but needs more background and well as general details to get it to be a little more than just a murder-suicide story.

Secondly: the spelling and grammar is much better than the last story but it would help to right in paragraphs instead of one giant one.

Otherwise, good job!


perfectionist94
Community Member





Sat Apr 05, 2008 @ 09:18pm


Ok then. Well, I liked it. I entirely was not expecting that, and yes, it was violent.
But I agree with B2S, the spelling a grammer were MUCH better, the writing style is really good (I especially like the descriptive comparisons about the dead brother), and the story was actually quite captivating and powerful for one paragraph.

All in all, congrats. Very nice job. Keep going at this rate of constant improvements, and we might have a professional author. Maybe. 3nodding


glamdring4
Community Member





Tue Apr 15, 2008 @ 03:49am


What is it with you and guns? Nice feeling though, interesting points, good metaphors and shtuff...

Perfectionst, grammatically, it ISN'T one paragraph. But that is one rule that I often break myself, so I shall scathe not. Verily, verily. And is it not passing grand to give forth speech in such a manner?


perfectionist94
Community Member





Sun Apr 20, 2008 @ 06:02pm


lol, GD. but I agree. entirely.


perfectionist94
Community Member





Sun Jun 22, 2008 @ 07:27am


It's been about three months. Are you going to add any more stories to your journal? It'll give you gold if you do... xd


User Comments: [6]
 
 
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