I hurt in ways I don't even understand right now. Its not due to something any one did to me. I The fault lies inside my own head, my dreams. I wouldve never thought my own mind couldve created a scenario more hurtful to me right now that it is the reason I am awake and unable to go back to sleep at 8 in the morning when I no longer have work to go to.
Mi chan and I...had..have...there are problems that I knew were there, but refused to surface, no matter how much prodding I did. We talked last night, and while what was said is no ones business but our own, Im sure that thats what gave my brain the cruel thought. That, and the journal entry he didn't seem to want to make in my presence.
In my dream, it starts out that Mi chan's parents have decided to send us on a hiking trip to visit his parents and live in their RV together (HAH) and miles changed from himself to his dad throughout the whole thing. AT some point we were in the back of a truck ( I think we were both there, it mightve just been me) and his dad was driving it around and he kept trying to cram it into every little space. Like we saw this glass shop with someone he knew in it (I think he knew them) and he squeezed the big grey truck into a tiny tiny glass fugurine shop, somehow with out breaking anything, but I was horrified nonetheless.
Near the end of this dream I get access to a computer and thats the part that hurt. I saw this entry he hadn't wanted to make at the office.
Some of it didn't make sense and I only remember bits, but it went on like this (he used real names): (Talking about either gray ham having a crush on me or me having a crush on him, neither of which is anywhere near truth, but thats beyond the point) "I give her the phone with him and she babys it (the crush). Just like she did with IG, Stringing them along if only just for (info, reports? something like that). Just as he had done (for me?). Both of them texted her for awhile and then just "disappeared". (Again, not true, but still)" Then it goes on into things about Ron. Like he has contempt for me because of what happened with him... "Contemplating Rons "talents" and how filthy he was willing to get with her. Im still not sure. Any talk of him still (requites?) heavy weeping."
He was the one reading it in my head. His voice was angry and disapproving and the whole entry just went on to tear me to the bone, talking about how much of a slut he thought I was and how he hated everything I do. I woke up just thinking, how could my own mind concoct something so hateful towards myself, in light of recent happenings. It feels like someone ripped my skin off and covered me in salt, but on the inside.
Im trying not to think about it.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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