I think...
... I don't know...
..... but I think....
... it's been...
... it's been...
... there are signs everywhere lately... all bringing up that pain there...
... Monika...
... I loved you...
... you saw the me that lay broken and tried to fix me...
... you tried to help me...
... and all you got was a tragic end...
... and I still stay broken...
.... So now you haunt me...
... and this world is breaking again...
.... and... and...
.... and I don't know what to do with myself.
... I want anything....
I want to hear you again. I want the feel of you again... I want your serious eyes staring up at me, your soft hands on my face, your black hair swirling in the wind... I want that all back...
... but you'll never come back...
... you're gone.
Everyone else can move on so easilly...
I'm envious of them... jealous... I want to be able to move on like them... but I feel... hollow...
There's a part of me that died when you died... a large part of my soul went with you when your eyes closed that cold october night...
... and another part of me died... and another...
... I think it's a constant reminder... when others are so happy, and cheerful about their lives and how they are living such wonderful lives... filled with new people and loves... and how they've never been happier...
and I look at my own life... and...
... I'm alone...
... The one I love above all else will probably never love me like I dream of...
... she loves others... and she's smiling so happily over this life of her that is blossoming into something so bright and beautiful and I'm so happy for her... I can't even contain it... I'm so happy for her to know that she's happy and that she has these guys to love her and be with her and kiss her and make her smile...
... I honestly truly am happy for her...
... and selfishly; I wish it were me. I always wish it were me.
... I can't connect with anyone. They don't understand me...
I can't love anyone... I can't even accept people...
... I'm too shy... too lost... I don't want to bother. I've been abandoned... and disserted... and dissolved...
... I've lived through my happiness... and.... those I thought of as my own family; closest than any other souls... dissolved with your death...
I've tried to recconnect with them... tried my hardest... but I can't ...
... I know it sounds stupid... but there's that void there now that is impenitrable... I can't fill it...
I can't talk about certain things... I can't mention plans for the future, I can't say anything that doesn't sound hurtful or demanding of people anymore.
Even Gabriel Alex seems to have given up on me... I've rejected one too many of his plans to maintain his interest as a friend...
... Zaak comes by once or twice... but... he hasn't tried to get to know me...
... and Skye... I can't talk to him without thinking of you... or of that kiss that you both shared... or of the times you sang together... or how many times you both were together...
.... He's like a living reminder of you...
.... I hate and love him...
... but... no matter what happens...
... I still feel you...
... I feel you through everything...
... even know... I think... though it wasn't intended... that my heart was split asunder again... because I feel another knife there that wasn't there before...
... I want to be happy... but my family may be dissolving yet again...
.... and I'll be alone...
... alone again...
... with only Dark to comfort me...
... I'll have my comics to draw of Dark's world...
... and I'll have this cold body...
... but I'll always be alone.
 Rozencard · Fri Jul 18, 2008 @ 08:11am · 1 Comments |
