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I haven't even written anything here all of November and this has been the most chaotic month of them yet. So lets start from the beginning.. Towards the end of December I knew that Fishers Ghost was coming up, and I had received an email from the Fishers Gig team asking for volunteers to help out. So of course I wanted to help.. and I noticed that one of the options was photography. Oh boy. WAS I HAPPY! I asked if I could help out in the Photography area and they said yes, and so I went to a meeting, met everyone involved and such. So it was the week of Fishers Gig.. and I knew that he would be there. Was it phasing me? I didn't even know what to think.. because the amount of times he said he was going to be somewhere and he wasn't I was just so over it honestly. Its not like I didn't believe him, never. Its just.. I didn't really know what to expect. But this time, I KNEW he was going. Because well.. its Fishers Gig! Everyone goes. Blahaha. :]

So its the morning of Fishers Gig and I wake up and I'm so happy to see that its a wonderful overcast day. Haha. Only wonderful because it WASN'T raining, which meant I got to use the Pentax. My dad's camera, the ULTIMATE camera in like history. Well not really. But whatever. I got to use it. YAY. So I was getting ready to get to Fishers and meet my friends.. and as I'm getting ready listening to my beloved Stealing O'Neal.. I couldn't help but think about what might happen today. I was going to see him.. after what, 7 or so months? How was I going to react? What was I going to do? What was I going to say? I was asking myself so many questions and then I thought of the most important one..
... What is he going to think of me, seeing me after such a long time? Remembering the last time I saw him before this was the night I was at his house.. and he dropped me home.. the last image I had of him was him kissing me goodbye from his car..

So I got ready and tried my hardest to make a good impression haha. I got to the gig. I was happily having so much fun with my friends when I couldn't help but look around every few minutes.. or seconds.. haha. I started my photography session at 3 I think it was? Well something like that. I arrived at about 12. It was almost 3 so I went to the front of the swimming pools to met my dad so he could give me my camera. I was waiting with my friend. As I waited, I watched the cars drive past.. merely thinking to myself, how funny it would be if he drove past as I was waiting.. ..Yeah, actually it wasn't funny because turns out he DID drive past as I waited. I saw a silver car drive past with a fimilar face in the window sitting next to an unfimilar girl. As the drove past I screamed his name is agony to my friend and thats when I started to freak out. My pulse was raising. My mind was running around in circles. My BODY was running around in circles, my heart was pounding out of my chest. My head started to feel dizzy and hot, I was so nervous about seeing him. So I didn't see him park his car, he parked furthur up the street. I waited for my dad. He finally arrived. I grabbed the camera and ran back to the main area, I was just so nervous.

I was waiting around the stage and then I saw him walk down.. And what can I say? When I saw his face.. it just set fire upon all of my body, I couldn't control my shakes. He looked perfect. Literally, perfect. His smiling face as he carelessly walked through the grass, accompanied by a rather childish like girl. She didn't phase me. My eyes were just fixated on him. I prayed for him to look my way, but then again I didn't want him too, because I'd rather him see me without a massive crowd of people. Losing track of time, I noticed I needed to get to work. So I went into this special area in front of the crowd to take photos. As Ladies & Gentlemen started playing, I took some amazing photos of my idols. I was having so much fun. I got to get so close to them, even if I had before haha, but this was such a huge event in Campbelltown. After they finished playing, I walked out of the area and towards the back of the stage to see him standing there, speaking to his brother and a few others. I stumbled backwards looking for a little support off my friends to see if I should speak to him. They insisted, and so did my body. I pushed myself forward and walked over. Step one was now complete. Step two, get him to see me. And wow, was that easy. I remember the second I started walking he turned around, my eyes met his and his whole face just lit up in a smile. I got closer and we greeted eachother with a hug. He spoke on how he saw me taking photos, asking how I was going. Just basic normal questions, but that was fine with me. He mentioned it was good to see me too, so that we nice. I eventually after about 5 minutes left, and started to speak to my other friends. Mission complete.. I spoke to him again.

I managed to run into him several other times throughout the day, exchanging a smile or a wave at one another. We occasionally spoke for a minute, but it was generally just a quick expression. The day was perfect.. up until one little incident which still makes me feel so sick to my stomach.. I was walking with my friends along the field to see him sitting down with her, on a lodge. I couldn't help but look, but then I couldn't help but notice she was standing over him, yelling or something. I sort of ignored it, until I noticed it got a lot worse. She was using so many hand gestures and something seriously was up. I got a closer look.. I felt somewhat perverted in that sense hah, but I was only worried.. seriously. With something like this, I thought that seeing him having a fight or something with her would make me feel relief.. but in all honesty.. I felt the need to cry.. I felt so much terror and fear for him, what if he was upset? I thought I might have been somewhat responsible.. because my friend & I gave him a sticker for his shirt that says we love him, just a little random joke. But I saw her point at a piece of folded paper, which I thought could possibly be my sticker. And at that point, she walked off from him into the distance. He stood up, looked around and look really confused.. I was literally shaking.. what if I had done something? What was happening? My friends comforted me and told me not to get to worried, it might just be a little arguement. I noticed he started to follow her. But I walked the other way. I was terrified. I was walking back over to the stage because it was soon time to take photos of Stealing O'neal.. the main band I was looking forward to seeing.. my favourite. My leader even pulled me aside to ask what was wrong but I told him it was just something personal. I was looking so forward to taking photos of a favourite band. But at this point, all I wanted was to find him and see if everything was okay.. but I couldn't do that. So I got in my special area and took photos.

Many people have things they do when they need to feel safe, or happy again.. even for the slightest moment. For the shortest time. Even if it doesn't take your pain or worries away, it takes you to a place for just a split second, you forget everything. And I found through photography, this is what takes me to another place, another world. I was having so much fun again, I got amazing photos and I got to stand in front of Chris Scott.. <3 and he sung my favourite part of my all time FAVOURITE song like EVER right to my face.. it was amazing. But after they finished performing.. reality literally slapped me in the face and I remembered his sad expression. I walked out of the area towards another area, and after a while, he walked past me again. I spoke to him for a moment, he told me he had gone home, but came back to see us again. That meant a lot. At this point, he didn't know I saw something happen, so I acted a little oblivious to why he would go home. He walked away, and I continued on with my night. It was getting later, but this day was so amazing. Besides that one thing, it was perfect. I continued to have fun and then the fireworks at about 10pm came on. I looked around the crowd randomly to only stumble upon his face. Who would have thought. Out of the thousand or so people were there.. I found his face first. He was standing next to her, and they both looked happy. This made me happy. Everything was okay? I turned away and watched the fireworks paint the sky, an explosion of colour realised all of my un-needed tension into the night, and to then ever so quickly disappear. I kept smiling.

I arrived home a little while later. Time went by fast, and it was soon midnight. I went to my room to get ready to go to bed when I noticed I had a message on my phone. Previously before this, he asked me to txt her because he wanted her to check her email. I saved her number randomly, which I soon deleted because it was werid ha. So I saw a had a message off her number? I was confused and scared. Had she messaged me? Telling me to back off or something? Ah. Only one way to find out. I read the message, but to then realise it was just him. And my god.. the message.. was beautiful.. I was so happy when I read it, he was explaining how much he missed me and how beautiful he thought I was, and if age was not an issue, I would be his. I fell asleep happy.

I spoke to him shortly after this.. I needed to talk to him about what I saw that night. So I got to talk to him, and I came out with it. I asked him, there was something I saw that I really shouldn't have, and explained what I saw/thought/worried etc. He said. Not to worry, she was just angry and tired, and she feels intimidated by me, because she knows how much he likes/liked/everything me.
Exact words. He said likes? Not just liked. She know how much he likes me?
I was confused. I needed to know more.. I needed him more..