Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Things are going dreadfully wrong, everything is. I screwed up a job offer by putting down my legal name and then forgetting to answer to that name later when they called me. Then the place I had the best chances of getting a job at (friend on the inside) turns out I'm not getting any job there. Teleport to school and I'm doing really bad in classes I need to pass (at this point I need to pass all my classes, but I'm failing a few). Even little things are going wrong like my mechanical pencils running out of lead or my notebook falling apart, it's all just so frustrating.

More worse is I think I'm letting Vanessa, my long distance girlfriend, down. I promised her some private time but I told her we would have to do it the next day because I couldn't stay awake anymore due to the odd hours I was sleeping. I also feel like I'm letting her down by being so damn stupid by failing my classes and failing at getting a job. How can I live with her when I cannot even support myself now! I must be the most idiotic, lazy, undeserving person in the world. I really have no right being with someone so great as Vanessa. I don't want to drag her down into my bin of trash.

Although, it is her that gives me strength to carry on with this grief. I strive to try and prove myself I am worthy of her time but I just fail and fail and fail some more. I rarely get any warm words of encouragement because I always try to hide my problems and keep it inside, but occasionally I'll leave a hint somewhere of how I am feeling compared to my constant torture of trying and failing. This would be considered the hint. Easier to see and respond to than most of my hints, most hints never get caught by the people I'm talking to so I just sigh, move on, and keep it all inside more.

Now that I think of it, I rarely throw hints out anymore, ever since that one friday I went out of my way to hint at my troubles and emotions when one of my freinds I considered dearest told me to shut up, never talk to (him/her(sex changed to protect the innocent)) ever again because I was too selfish and depressing. That really hurt and I still feel the pain today, it really affects the way I reveal information now, which is rarely.

I need help, words of encouragement, someone to reach out a hand and help me up. The only problem is I despise other males, makes me want to spit. Some are exceptions, but I've known them since a long time. Women can cut straight to my soul though, even though what happened with my one freind. I never knew why but I find it easier to talk to women about my troubles that are at or around the same age I am. Nothing perverted about it, just the truth there.

All I really want to do is to just curl up into a ball and hide away from the world. I don't want to be a disappointment to myself, my girlfreind, or anyone else. I promised I would never try suicide ever again and I'll keep that promise so people don't need to freak out. I'll always be around (if I can help it, people hate me so my lifes always in danger) no matter how sharp the pain gets.