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drifting in and out..... my brain's a haze...... what am i thinking? what am i doing?

why am i thinking the weird things i'm thinking?

what's the purpose of this?

O.O
pictures! oh god......
*bangs head on the table*
maybe three of you know what i look like......
well, i have no pictures here. nothing to show you.
so piss off.

i'm still typing. why must i keep going? i guess i'm stuck in a rythym.....

sorry if i'm boring you.
i seem to be boring everybody lately......
or rather, i seem to be boring everybody in my mind.

when i'm not talking about this sort of thing they feign interest. they MUST be feigning it, because i never have anything fun to talk about. i feed on the words of others.

sometimes i go walking down the hall, screaming in my head for someone to look at me, i'm angry, or see me, i'm sad, or notice my glow of joy.
i always hide my face then. i don't understand myself. it's been like this for years.

and other times i wish they'd pretend i didn't exist, even though they already bear me no mind. i'm conceited, that must be it.

but i don't want to be conceited.
i hate people calling me pretty, because i know they're lying, or else i'd get vain, oh so vain, and that's one of the things i despise in people.
but i hate them calling me ugly, because they're just being jackasses. they're evil, the kids on my bus. they mock me, they mock each other, they mock everyone.

lately their favorite taunt is sydney, a boy i thought was their friend.
i might've been mistaken, or they might just be scummier than i thouhgt.
they wait until the fourth to last stop, then they start asking "who's that black-haired girl in the back???"

it's not amusing at all, or clever, despite what they seem to think.
i hate them. i hate them. i hate them.

i hate people whether or not they've slighted ME; if they've been like that, then i can't help it.
they're idiots, every one. i hate idiots.

and apparently that makes me a snob.

i get upset too easily. i cry, and i hate it.
i don't want to cry. it makes my brain feel soggy and my thoughts sluggish and pretty soon all i can think about is that i'm crying and i should stop being so pathetic, but it's always the same old bullshit.

a wad of gum in the hair. a snide remark. total lack of regard when i say in my small, feeble little voice that no, i had never done this before, and i had no idea what to do.

and even the stupid insults. not because i'm truly offended by them, but that they're twice as moronic as the saps who delivered them, repetitive, and said with such conviction by someone who i doubt could read a fortune cookie, much less shakespeare or jane austen or tolkien or all those other authors whose work i've devoured.

in seventh grade, we read the outsiders (which i had read before on my own, as well), and do you know what my classmates said about the first chapter? 'she tried too hard.'
thorough, yet simple to understand descriptions of the setting, the characters, and the action, barely using any words with more than three syllables, and she tried too hard?????

and they taunt me because the money is a little tight, the car's a little junky, etc.
they claim it's because my mom can't count money. wtf???
and her old car had the steering wheel on the right, so they'd say 'why don't you go back to england?' O.O

they say things like- 'oh yeah? well, your GLASSES are stupid!!!!!'
this, of course, from the kid with centimeter-thick spectecles perched on his sweaty, acne-obscured face.

I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*twitchtwitch*

I HATE THEM!!!!!
and it's still in here, boiling away. i ******** can't get rid of it.
it won't go away. GO AWAY!!!!!!! scream

and it's so cold in here, too......*shudder*