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That's how my future looks to me at the moment... I've only really cared about two people in my life (I don't mean friends), yet I'm torn from them both times. I don't understand... Somehow I feel as if I'll never be with someone.

I want him to be happy, I really do, yet it tears me apart seeing him be with someone else... I want him to find someone else, to be happy with someone he can actually be with, but I always find myself trying to keep back the tears when an opportunity arises for him. Why can't I just be happy that there's hope for him?

If we had never met, he wouldn't be so miserable. He's miserable because of me. It's my fault that he can't move forward. If it hadn't been for me, he would be happy with someone else, someone that he could always be with. If I had just kept my feelings to myself... This is a selfish way of thinking--thinking that I'm so significant as to hurt him so much--but that's honestly how I see it...

So, because I want him to be happy, I want her to know just how wonderful he is. I want to tell her that he needs someone there for him, someone that will accept and be a friend to him. At the moment he can't handle an intimate relationship, but... I want her to know that he's not a terrible person, despite what others may say; that there's always hope for an intimate relationship with him, even if right now he can only handle being friends. As long as she's there for him, and kind to him, he'll open up, and perhaps, if she still cares so for him, the two of them can be together. All of this--I want to express this to her, but I don't ever speak with her... and because I cry too much, I would run away afterward and just collapse in tears.

If I could bring myself to be cold to him, to hurt him so much that he would open up completely to someone else, allowing them a chance to share a happiness with him in the future... I would. If making him hate me would help him to eventually move forward, I would make him hate me. That is...if I had the courage and was so stupid as to actually do so... but I'm not.

There's no way I can go to his graduation party. Two people I barely talk to, her being one of them, knowing everything about my relationship with him... It would be so terribly awkward. I would look at them, knowing that when they saw me they would just think of all the pain I caused him, and run to a corner to cry. She would probably look at me with a look full of hate yet envy. It would be awful... I can't take that. So easily do I cry... I cry over the simplest of things, so I couldn't possibly handle it, yet he wants me to go.

I don't feel well... I know it's not physical sickness; just pain, but still...

I'm leaving for New York on Monday, yet all I can think about is tomorrow. I want to cry so much... but I'm trying desperately to hold back the tears. I don't want to cry... I don't... I don't...