Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

finally...I had to release al my anger...but now i can see all the damages done..I was about to slice my arm, until a friend spoke to me..no not Amber..she didnt care...shes one of the reasons im crying right now..that and my sister, Emily..my friend told me to not do it..because im just mad at myself..and I knew that, all along, but I felt so unloved..I felt that I was just SCOOTED to the side like a broken toy "ewww, hes junk, hes got a disease, he no-good anymore!" UGGH!! -biting my lip and crying painfully at my life-...Amber says shes been submissive for 24 hours..what does that mean all the 'I love yous' mean nothing then?! AAAGH!! I felt so mad at myself, that I barked at everyone esle except my sister..my kind Emily, and she doesnt even want to help me!! nada!! zip!!..I wanted to try help her, and she didnt want me to! she thought I was..USELESS!! useless at her problems! she said to leave her alone, she got her wish, buts its backwards!...she has her family and sister..I have no one to talk to...just this stupid diary...I cry and mourn for what I've done..I LOVE AMBER!! I REALLY DO! I ALWAYS HAVE! I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER!! but she never shows that she loves me too nowadays! she wont even let me touch her!..my friend told me its not because of the thing in her, its the thing that happend to her..she needs to know she can be happy again with me..and she was till now..now that im hit with something that can actually KILL me with one cut..Im mad because I let this happen to me..I mean im so stupid...but no one cares!...they just move on, Amber keeps saying 'im sorry' i want more then sorry, I want 'dont freak hun! we'll figure this out, trust me! we'll figure thi--' UGH!! -hugs myself-..no one cares because..you know whats so SICK?...so TWISTED??..take a look at my Journals..all of them...not one...comment...people REAAAD my stuff, knowing my everyday life, and what, no one wants to say anything?! I know some of the people too!! the only person I believe who actually CARED enough to comment at my problems was Jae! hes so awesome the guy! hes like a little long lost brother i never had! my sister..pfft no, shes too busy to figure other things out...Amber? ha, shes more secretive, she says she doesnt care, she will let everyone know she loves me...hm..nice progress..she took the comment off my profile page...thats nice..really...I ask her something on here..no answer...and hell I was talking about her so much with my new buddy on Zomg, thinking she didnt want to say it, until she yelled it out, it was like forcing to me..that bothers me...I say I love you to her while with my friends..lol? or hm? wth?..I wanted to hear 'I love you too, you funny ogre XD'..at least Shrek didnt have it this bad..I feel a lot better throwing my anger out to this so I can vent, but in a way..no one will care...I wish Amber will talk to me..I am so god damn sorry...I will take everything back of what I tried to do..but still...she didnt..even comment on my picture...I worked on it so hard at school! Bevy liked it! Michelle liked it! Courtney thought it was fragilicious..whatever that means, must be good! lol..JJ thought I did a pretty good work on it..but Amber?...quietness.....it was all for her..it was the only thing that made me smile today..because I will always Love her..and thats the truth..I hope she can see I was just hotheaded and need venting...but she hurted me so bad..'you know the answer to that'...maybe..I just want to hear it from your own lips...and to kiss it...I always made you laugh Amber...my love one..right now..I feel like the biggest idiot in the world...can anyone...just...please..say something in my journals...anything!! anything to correct on this!, to tell me the truth!, ANYTHING!! I DONT WANT TO SEE ALL MY WRITINGS..all from my heart..just a trash heap to people!! god im gonna cry again...Im so sorry Amber...I love you and..I want to be loved back...Im sorry Emily...I only w-wanted to try to be helpful!..looks like im nothing to you..but im sorry...I really am...i cant believe I snapped at everyone because of this disease...but I want to know from EVERYONES HEARTS!! everyone, including you Amber, babe, I love you, and I want to make it up for you!! please...I want everyone to tell me right on this journal..please dont read this and go away...I would be so hurt...and comment on what you really think about this disease, and how you feel about me, and just OUT WITH IT ALL!! let your hearts fly!!...-sniffs-...do it for me..with Love...

Carl S.K. Krause...

Carl <3s Amber 4ever..

Im got to a video game match today, but...forget it im not...I just need to upload something from a friend then come back as soon as I can..2:30 i'll be on at my time..neh... heart