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Espec's Journal Here in this journal, I plan to lay down my emotions, feelings, and life in words that tell a tale as well as my life.

l --Espec-- l
Community Member
My Dream Demon
For the last week or so, I have developed a dream demon. It won't let me sleep and all my dreams seem to be nightmares. Nightmares you say? They are all dreams about him. I see him in pain, crying, yelling out my name and when I wake up, all I feel is heaviness in my heart. I did this to him. The one person that I had ever truly loved but isn't this the same thing he did to me? Was he not the one who first sent me through hell and back? He crushed my heart and when I thought I got it back I realized...I can't do this anymore. He isn't the same person that I had met over a year ago. He became violent, the paranoia I grew used to began to get to me, the constant heart ache and anxiety I felt wouldn't go away. What was I to do? How could I leave the one person who meant everything to me? The choice I made in my opinion was for the best, knowing how much it would hurt me and hurt him. My love for his is still there. It still burns somewhere deep in my heart and when the night falls and sleep try's to overtake me, the dream demon lures him from thoughts desperately tried to hidden. Only when the day breaks can I be free.
Since the time I have moved on with my life, I have found that...I want to go to collage here where I live. I have found myself doing more things and even my mother says I smile more. I miss him. I truly do. I wish things never turned out they way they did but I have no regrets with the decision I made. With the way things were, they would have been disastrous, no matter how much we loved each other. It hurts for now, but the only thing I can do now is forgive and forget...but not truly forget. I still plan to see him, even if he disagrees with the idea. I don't know when, or where, but I will. It might be days, months, even years.
I have so many things in my heart that I want to write down here in this journal, but my heart wouldn't' be able to let it all out at once. Even now, I wonder if he will ever read this. A part of me hopes he does yet the other part wonders if he will be around for much longer. I have found that separating myself from him, not saying anything to him, and just pretending he was never here, makes life easier for now. Once the pain dies down...and I have moved far enough along...I will confront him again. He is hurting like he had hurt me, and I know how hard and difficult that is. Only time can heal him now. I hope for the best for him. I want him to be happy...I want him to move on like I did. I have all the best intentions for him and I never meant to hurt him so bad, even though I promised him I wouldn't hurt him again. I guess that makes a lair out of me. That's what I feel like right now. A lair.
My brain is confused and moving on is hard but slowly getting easier. I hope I can at least still be friends with him. For now I just need my space away from him and hope for the best. Hoping that My Dream Demon will soon...leave me in peace.

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