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Espec's Journal Here in this journal, I plan to lay down my emotions, feelings, and life in words that tell a tale as well as my life.

l --Espec-- l
Community Member
Heart Stings
Ever since ninth grade, guys have found me beautiful, nice, kind hearted, and many more things. The most common, guys have repeatedly told me over the years that 'I am the best things to ever happen to them.' In the end, I have done nothing but hurt them. I make them happy at first, things end up going bad, and when its all said and done, they are trying to kill themselves. The happiness they first feel end up as anger and hatred towards me. They hurt themselves, threaten to do stupid things, and I end up hating myself for it. I know that what they do it completely their decisions but it doesn't make a difference.
A few years have passed and I am burdened with the uncontrollable 'gift' of pulling heartstrings without even realizing it. There is never a moment in my life that I am not loved and wanted by guys. They get one hint or whiff of me possibly being single and they swarm me. I wish there was such thing as an ugly pill. I would take it in a heartbeat. I admit I have always loved the attention but it get to be too much. I don't want seven to ten guys crawling over me. I wish for once that I could be around guys and them not think nothing of me than a friend.
Here recently, I have experienced the worst of all the relationships I have ever been in. What do you do when you break up with a guy...but you still love them as much as the day you first met? I have made a lot of progress moving on but as soon as I am in contact with that person, all that progress back tracks and the heart ache starts again. Its funny how it reminds me of a song that I thought I would never end up like. I believe karma is out to get me.
He talked to me today for the first time in...about a week. I saw him first before we talked. My pulse quickened as did my heart. It pounded in my chest and my face was close to resembling a deer caught in the headlights of a car. My hands were shaking so bad I had to hide them under the table, ashamed of myself. Last night I was at a restaurant and a random person said his name. It was enough for me to stop dead in my tracks and look around.He still has a portion of my heart, no matter how hard I try to get it back. I need to isolate myself even further from him...I can't think of any other way to get back on track. My dream demon was finally starting to ease up...even if I still can't hardly sleep at night.
I keep asking myself what do I do. What...do I do. Time. That is all I need. Time. Unfortunately it can be more than a year before I could probably talk to him again without feeling that tug on my heart. That rush of memories that I have forcefully been trying to forget.
Well...not sure what else to say on the matter. I am sure that I will be able to get my mind on something else...

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