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I haven't updated my journal in some time, not because I've been lazy (By popular belief, people would assume so), simply because I've been working my very first week of work. I'm super ******** happy that I have this job since NYU, a college here in NYC, has been buying a ton of hospitals meaning tons and tons of more jobs in the future. So, I've finally obtained the stability that I've long since desired along with an environment that promotes growth and hard work.

My first actual week of working though hasn't been as glamourish as I wanted it to be. Simple things to do or nothing at all... I mean, it's still easy money ($17hr with $25hr overtime) but I just hate being idle and not doing anything at work. I've met some great coworkers that are positive individuals looking to make an amazing turn in their lives. The only thing I don't like about working is the commute and I think everyone, only those who live extremely close to their work, has this problem. I find myself tired more and more, but not because of the work just because of fighting the endless crowds of people trying to get inside an already packed train car...

Outside of work, everything else has been... estrange to me. I've met wonderful people that have made this very long journey of self-discovery and forgiveness much easier... But I just can't help but to feel indifferent. I care about them, I truly do... I'm just afraid to get closer to anyone anymore. I don't want to get to know people so well in case they'll leave my life like everyone else has so far. The constant, "I'll never leave you alone" and "I'll be here whenever you need me" rings over and over in a fear-driving way into my heart. I don't want to believe actions or words of anyone anymore... I try to let them know that I'm still afraid of being in any sort of relationship and think that being alone will cure me.

Sighs

It makes me feel worse because I've found someone who does understand me. That we are one and the same exact person. Both master liars and swayers to everyone around us with bleeding hearts that have so much emotion and love to those that can tolerate our ways. It's like finally meeting another prowling lion in the nights of the Sahara... It's breathtaking for me to find another so skilled and versed as I am, but nothing more than that really. I can't find myself happy with her because I know the truth of us; We're both beautiful lies in this very unforgiving world. We offer the stars when all we really have is what beats so strong in our chests. The sands in our pocket, we claim, is all that anyone really needs and faith. I'm happy to know that there are others like me out there and that I'm just truly human with my own tastes and flavors, that I am no demon nor monster... Simply a misguided human with his own flaws.

And in the very end of all of this, I keep seeing you. I see you in those never-ending azure skies that grace me each time I walk home from work. I see you every time in the eyes of beautiful women, breathtaking and always the reminder of what I've once had. Smiles that scar me each time I watch them pass by... How your words once made the nights feel so safe... Now make each passing day a living Hell for me. And you know what the real kicker is? It's not that you need to come back into my life to 'fix everything' for me. No. I don't need that. What I need is closure in it's most absolute form. I need to completely know that you'll never be in my life again and that everything I hold onto, whether by force or sheer will, is worthless and that I just need to stop hurting myself. You don't need to stay at all, just grant me one night of completely clear clarity of what we are and where, if that is even a thing, we'll be.

Right now, I'm in complete Hell. Torn by two ideals:

You hate me and everything I've put you through. You have no saving words for me and only wish me the darkest pits of Hell for all the things I've done.

or

You didn't know where we were going, confused and frighten, you decided that the best option was to break it off as hard as you could so you could figure out things on your own and maybe one day come back to see if I'm alright. Or whatever... This one always changes.

I... I just need to know so I can finally move on.