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emo[do not read if you do not like pessimistic approaches]
Okay. To get myself straight, and all my thoughts settled, I am going to put down everything I feel like that has happened recently and in the past few days, maybe even weeks. If I miss something, I will definetly see it and add into it when I so feel like it, and thus why you should keep checking back if you are one of those people who think they ******** care whether or not I should just go kill myself.
September. It's a hard month. School, swimming pressure, and homework pressure. Advanced class with advanced topics and Algebra 1 I'm probably gonna end up taking again. I have swim meets, come home late on some of them and other times with a horribly sick stomach that I just don't want to get up and go the next day, and practice to kill my muscles.
I'm not complaining. Personally, if it means getting out of the house, doing a little bit more, and making friends in the process then fine by me. I just think the physical labor is a little too much to endure. Trying to keep my breath in check is like trying to sing a high-pitched note, keep it on the same pitch, and holding it for at least 16 counts+. I've tried, I've gotten it, but ever since swimming-
it's disappeared. I cough till I turn blue..red... tears strain from my eyes. I don't know what's going on and I really hope that it isn't something I should keep on being worried about. All I know is that with it I am bringing myself down immensely, and am unable to keep a note long like I used to, or high. I can for short periods of time, but I'll begin to cough and it'll make me run out of breath.
Why do I bother take note about this? Why do I bother get depressed over that little minority? It's because, all in all, I used to really like how my voice sounded. I used to brag about how I thought I could even be compared to with Sharon Dan Adel of Within Temptation or Amy Lee of Evanescence.. But, now I don't think I can do that. My standards were set high and I failed. See why? And with all my friends in chorus and using their pretty voices and getting solos like I hear one of them got, it makes me truly upset, yet happy for them.
I wish I could do that, but it seems doing my favorite sport has broken my singing ability to half...
Now, to continue. Swimming. I like it, I love it. I hate having to work my a** off to get where I want, to fall, and only keep falling. Passing out in the middle of the pool is relieving, and having to be pulled out is another relief. Feeling like I am going to choke while just trying my hardest and my side hurting, but my coach telling me to keep going regardless of being tired, not giving a care in the world that I have a coughing issue and a weak stomach to work with. It hurts, it makes me feel like s**t when I get done, and often times I'll come home from practice crying because it hurts so bad.
I know it has to do with sports, but really, I can't take it. I love it, I know I can do it, but why am I always limited? It makes me so frustrated to watch others beat me time and time again, and only dreaming of that first place ribbon and making my mother proud of me...I guess that's my motivation... But I could never compare to her no matter how hard I try. Maybe sports isn't for me, but I'd like a chance at something where I as an individual can show some true talent at it. I need something that can give me a spark of light, and make me a leader in something I'm true to.
I'd try the speech and debate, I'd try the academic whatever... but I can't speak out and voice my opinions with it. I suck, I'm always afraid of coming out of my corner. It sucks to be on my half. But maybe I'm just giving myself too much self-pity or am too self-absorbed in my own problems to realize my potential- but I see nothing that can prove to me otherwise.
My coach has me do things he knows I can't do, and I've even gone as far as almost losing my life, but haven't had the guts to tell mother because she either wouldn't believe me or she'd pull me out right away, and for some reason despite being heavily depressed about it, I still keep going back for more.
I'm worried about Cuddles, my little doggie pal that I've loved since the beginning. He's dying, and I don't want to lose him. Things keep piling up on me and I want my cuddles to come and save me, let me wrap my arms around that big black ball of fluff, hear him whimper and beg for more tummy scratches... But what if he goes? I don't think I could handle it...
School. Another mindless thing. All you need to do is do the work, turn it in, and get those fabulous A's on your report card. Sounds easy, right? For me, wrong. With swimming and meets and little children and angry mothers on your mind, homework is the last thing on my to-do list, often resulting in my having to do it during school and/or turning it half done or not done at all.
Everyone's response?: QUIT SWIMMING!
But why is that everyone's response? I don't care I can't do it I still try... But it seems that quitting is the option for everything when in regards to school. It just shows that no matter what you're a quitter. I think I should be acquitted for at least showing that I am putting forth my effort despite my lack of confidence in myself or time.
Everyone always jokes around about how I never have anything done. I lie to people and say I do because truth is I don't want them to do that. It hurts, it truly does. I don't care if they joke about it, it makes me feel like s**t.
"oh come on! it's easy!" but, in this case, it isn't. I lied. Physical Science is easy to Amber, but to me, I guess I belonged there. I was never meant to take Biology like all my other smart friends. I know, I compare myself too much to them, but when they can do things so easily and still have time for other stuff, it makes me angry, makes me hate them, and makes me wish I could do better. But I have so much going on and they don't realize it, I don't think they would ever come to understand my situation.
Home. I'm always getting told I need to be like other people. Doesn't help much. I need to be cleaner, why don't I do my hair more often, why don't I clean up and do this... RIGHT after I get home after a hard working practice and I wish to nap for an hour or two.
Maybe that anger compels me to continue swimming. I know it seems to be my main issue, but I can't give up. The season is almost over, and I was hoping to do basketball, but it seems my stress level is much too high. I hate it. I hate that people are always better than me.
I hate that no matter how hard I try, I show no improvements or show that I am incompetent to my own self.
Maybe they're right. Maybe I am emotionally unstable. I have a mother who does nothing makes me feel like s**t. I have a little sister that always says she wishes I was dead, or pushes me away. I have a younger brother who throws comments at me from either which way, and my other sister says she wishes I could be more like my friend Abby.
It doesn't help when you're getting told to be like your friends. I have my individuality, don't I? Don't I have special traits that nobody else has? My drawings? Maybe my poetry.. No, wait. I know someone who is better at poetry, AND singing AND Violin than I am. And I don't care about HER anymore.. I just hate it.
My personal hobbies have been bested. Drawing was my only thing, and writing. But compared to everyone else, my writing sucks. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I do anything at all.
Lately, I've been having school issues with alot of people, mainly blackies. I am not racist, but I have no other term for them except for 'those with darker skin than I'. Nobody at my school realizes that these people won't quit harassing me, and I've told the principal, and my mom, scared shitless because she saw me come home crying because of this girl, even called in, and they haven't done anything to help prevent it.
I'm afraid today is the final straw, because today, the same girl that's been harassing me stopped me in the hallway. I was singing to myself with my headphones on. Within Temptation, you know. She pulled one of my headphones out and goes "Girl, you need to stop singing. You're hurting my head and your singing sucks." so I pull it away, shrug and put my headphone back in my ear, deciding that the best thing to do was ignore her. Bad idea. She pulled it out again, and said for me to stop ignoring her or she'd get her crew and she'd fight me. What the hell did I do except sing? Maybe my singing does suck...
So I keep on going, and next thing I know she makes a grab for my CD player, and that was the one thing I wasn't gonna let her get, so I tripped her, and she went sailing into the wall. She gets up and starts cursing at me saying how I'm a dirty something or something (I really have a hard time hearing what they say, they say it much too quick for my ears) and that I was gonna be under her shoe tomorrow, but lucky me I had to go to swim practice, or she probably would've beaten my a**.
I'm afraid for after school tomorrow. She knows where I am every day. I can only hope the principal finally takes matters into her own hands. She's made my life a living hell.
I truly hate it at East, but what can I do?
Homework and sleep-wise.. I'm lacking both. I stay up all night crying and thinking to myself about why I'm even alive.
I'm sorry I lied to Abby when I told her that that's what mom thought, but lately, I have been having suicidal dreams, and in which all are most pleasant and make me wake up smiling. I'm scared for my life.
I wake up feeling like I need to go pop pills. Maybe that'll happen. I've cut myself so much right now my arm is covered, but I'm glad nobody notices. I'm sure I'dve been taken away right away.
I've even come to a conclusion that there is no God for me. I mean, I've gone so far, trying to believe in something that hasn't proven to me otherwise. I keep thinking I'm either Agnostic or nothing else, but deep inside I'm confused and scared.
I know maybe now isn't a good time to believe because I can't have anymore things going on inside this head of mine, but if I do commit suicide.. I only have to question where I will go.
For all my deeds, secretive or not, will it condemn me to Hell? Or will I save myself from that misery and find another way? Maybe it's just the conclusion that I need help...
All in all, I've lost it. I can't take anymore. I wish someone could pull me back up, make me really smile again, pull me away from these tears that keep falling every single night, and pry me away from my jealous thoughts and hopes of becoming more like my friends instead of my own individualized being.
I wish my grandmother was back, she could take my hand and pull me into her arms and hug me and tell me everything is allright, or punish me for being a bad girl and thinking wrong about myself.
Where is my reflection? Where am I? Am I really in Hell? Are the tears I'm crying now fake, my self-pity, or the fact I'm wounded so deeply I cannot pull myself out of the hole I've dug myself into?
Things keep piling up on me, one right after another. I have a feeling I'm gonna lose myself completely this year. I'm seperated by the ones I've come to love and the ones I love I almost don't know anymore. The ones I see every day have their own things to worry about... But...I just want to forget...
If popping pills or cutting or crying every night will solve it, then fine. Let it be that way..
Really, I'm so sorry I can't be who I want to be and live up to those expectations. I just want to...be me...and be happy.
end...
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Community Member
Holy crap.
I have some words of advice for you.
Myabe you're not meant for singing.
Maybe you're not meant for swimming.
Maybe you're not meant for academics.
Maybe you're not meant for opinions.
Maybe you're not meant for writing or drawing.
Hell, maybe you're not meant for anything more than just being here.
BUT WHO KNOWS?
You don't HAVE to hate the school.
If you really did tell someone about it, then they would've done something.
If they don't do anything, you hunt down the little pricks and take care of business yourself, can't always depend on other people.
I don't have a talent, but you don't see me complaining about it. There's no point in complaining because then you get absolutely nothing done and then you end up whining about your life which isn't half as bad as you think.
If someone criticizes you about something, don't moan on about it because if they know to criticize you, that probably means that they're better than you. We can't all be the best at something and we sure as hell can't be the best at everything. If you like doing those things, then do it. Don't worry about someone "besting" you at it because if you like doing something, do it.
We're all racist to some extent because there are those people.
Sure, most of us don't have the guts to admit it, but inside we know that what we hate is what we hate and unless a miracle happens, thats how it's going to be for the rest of your life.
You probably think that I don't know s**t about your life.
And you can go ahead and think that.
I have no problem with that.
I might continue rambling later but I have things I need to do.