I'm lonely. As stupid as that may sound to some of you I am. I know I just got married and I have a daughter and my little family and that should make me one of the happiest people in the world......But alas, it does not.
The time now is 11:02pm and I just stopped crying. I started a bit before 10:30pm and just kept going. I think bawling is a better word. I find myself doing that off and on. Crying, sobbing, wailing even because of how I'm feeling at that moment. I may start again while writing this who knows.
My grandmother always told me I suffered from depression as far back as I can remember. It runs heavy on my fathers side, which is why 3 of the men *my father included* commited suicide. So she's been on my case about it for literally years. After awhile when you hear something often enough it becomes almost ingrained into you and you believe it to be true. A few years back I started to finally wonder if she was right, because she still tells me I have it even now.
With all of these feelings of loneliness and the like, is it possible that I do suffer from depression? I'd like to think I don't but what do I know....I often feel alone, down on myself, cast aside, left behind and my "favorite" ignored. I know a lot of that stems from my childhood and anyone that knows me well knows that already. And apparently it has carried over into adulthood and no matter what is going on in my life those feelings are always there.
Don't get me wrong I have friends. And by friends I mean people quite close to me that know a lot of what I'm about. I have a decent amount of aquaintences that I guess could be considered friends, but not like the others. But they live elsewhere so I hardly see them and now it seems like I hardly keep in touch with them over the phone. I'm feeling lost and alone, something I mentioned earlier that I've never been able to shake.
I look at my life now and I should be happy. Very happy. I WANT to be happy, ner I say NEED to be happy. But I never seem to completely grasp it. I have good moments and some happy ones, like my daughter and marriage but.....it still doesn't seem like complete happiness if there IS such a thing.
I love my little family to pieces and I love my immediate family as well but I hate what they do to me, and I assume they don't even know it. Looking back at things I went through and the emotional abuse I took and losing the father I hardly knew so young I can't help but wonder.....If I had been treated differently and he was still around....would I be different and better than I am now? Would I be a stronger less emotionally grounded person? Someone that wouldn't ever feel like I do and be resilient?
Seems like all I'm ever left with are questions and no answers. I want to know why I am this way, why I feel this way and what I can do to make things better. I don't honestly think I can continue down the path I've been on for years now without something tragic happening. Not saying I would off myself or anything, but I have tried in the past. But that was a long time ago and I don't think I really wanted to die.
Maybe I am supposed to be here for something. But what? What is my purpose? I hope it's not to be down and depressed the rest of my days. I hope there's something I have yet to do, some sort of contribution to society as a whole that would do some good.
Who knows though right? Maybe I should "shut up, quit whining and do something"....If I truly knew what, I would've done it already. No-one wants to live like this, no-one. I guess we'll see how things play out. Maybe they'll get better and then maybe I'll start to feel better. Who knows?
But for now, I'm going to end this message and be on my way. I feel very tired and think sleeping is my best option. I hope everyone else has a nice weekend and is very happy indeed.
 ~ NIHL ~ · Sat Nov 11, 2006 @ 04:31am · 1 Comments |
