So here I am again....feeling alone as ever. I know it doesn't make sense to probably any of you but it's my reality. I found myself alone in bed last night, crying before passing out asleep *I had taken sleeping pills*. I cry a lot anymore. Not just because I feel like it but because something triggers it. Either my hubby did/said something or I feel ignored/glazed over by others or completely left out of "the loop". Lately I find myself remembering how things were when I was a teen....I had friends and actually hung out with them and did things friends do. Those were actually some of the few happy memories I have from my life so far and I miss them.
I know you're thinking "But you do have friends!" and you'd be right. Out of the group I used to have maybe 3-4 have actually kept in touch with me and out of those I hardly hear from them anymore. You're probably thinking I need to make more of an effort but what you don't know is I ALWAYS make the effort but don't get the same in return. So eventually I quit trying. If people really want to interact with me then they can make the effort for a change. But I digress.....this makes me feel alone. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense really and I don't get it either. I wish it would stop because I'm tired of feeling this way. It's becoming taxing on my health and overall well-being.
My hubby isn't a whole lot of help either. I know he's tried to help me and try to understand what's going on but if I don't get it how will he?? He just ends up aggravating me more or making me feel even more excluded and alone. I'm pretty sure I know him well enough to know it isn't on purpose but that's the way things are happening. So I end up not having anyone to turn to, to lean on which makes the alone feeling even worse.
I think I've been this way for a great many years and a lot of it stems from childhood, as I think I've mentioned before. I had engraved in me the notion I wasn't good enough and nothing I did or would ever do was or would be good enough. Eventually I believed it, and still do. I never feel successful in anything I do, nor do I feel good at anything I may try to do. It's all a big mess really. Not self-esteem, no confidence, no nothing. I feel completely incompitent and useless mostly. And just when I actually think I may be decent at something or I start to feel good about something, someone usually "steals my thunder" and I feel like an idiot. It's happened more times than I can count and sucks each time, even though I've come to kind of expect it.
All I really want is to feel important, that I matter and what I have to say isn't all stupid but has relevence and thought behind it. I want to feel loved and wanted, nay needed by those around me. I believe we were all put here for some reason or purpose, but because of the way I feel I can't find out what my purpose is. I've wanted to do something that matters and gives something back to society but am deathly afraid of trying anything to see what it is I can/could do.
The older I've gotten the more I've realized how actually frightened I am of things I don't know. I won't talk to strangers on the phone, I won't answer the door if I don't know who it is, I don't like crowded situations where there are a lot of people I don't know and I hate things being sprung on me. I get very anxious, sweaty, shaky, you name it....I may have some sort of anxiety issue for all I know. So those things also keep me from doing a lot as well.
I'm so completely screwed up. I don't know for sure when it happened or the exact reason it happened I just know I am what I am now....scared, sad and pathetic. And because of that I have nothing positive to offer anyone it seems. I still try from time to time to help others but to no avail I'm afraid. Maybe I need some sort of professional help? Maybe I need a new selection of friends? Maybe a change of scenery? Hell if I know.....but I do know I can't continue down the road I'm on, for fear things will get worse and I'll just completely collapse. I'm so messed up with nowhere to turn and no-one to turn to....I guess that really is the definition of being alone.
I'm sure this will get glossed over as most everything else I've posted does. Maybe someone will read it....maybe someone will reply with thoughts, comments, help or yell at me....maybe "someone" doesn't really exist....maybe this is all in my mind.....I just don't know.....
Do you?
 ~ NIHL ~ · Mon Jan 22, 2007 @ 11:00pm · 1 Comments |
