Conversation With Mother, With Added Rants and comentary:
(My added rants and comentary will be in red, Just so you can skip through the conversation as needed)
Mom: LacyDevilEyed
Me: SilverEyedAnglX
LacyDevilEyed: are y ou gettin g this
SilverEyedAngelX: Yes...
SilverEyedAngelX: What do you wan't?
*Types in really small lettering*
LacyDevilEyed: could you have your print any smaller or are you doing that because you know i have trouble seeing
SilverEyedAngelX: : )
LacyDevilEyed: cute
LacyDevilEyed: are y ou going to be online for awhile or at least returning later
SilverEyedAngelX: ..... Possibly.. I dont like to be on AIM
LacyDevilEyed: give me a time when it will be best to get you online later
LacyDevilEyed: where do you go then
SilverEyedAngelX: MSN
LacyDevilEyed: this is the only im you have right
LacyDevilEyed: how do i do that
SilverEyedAngelX: You're a pain in the a**
LacyDevilEyed: yeah but you do love me
SilverEyedAngelX: ........
LacyDevilEyed: you know you do that is why you hate me so much
SilverEyedAngelX: That's what you think.
LacyDevilEyed: do you want to make a day next week that you and i can go somewhere and hang for a bit
LacyDevilEyed: i know you hate me that is how i know you love me
SilverEyedAngelX: .... Depends, Will you have money? Since, Thats all I seem to wan't you for.
LacyDevilEyed: if you did not love me you wouldn't put so much time into hating me
SilverEyedAngelX: Uh huh.. When was the last time I spoke to you by my own choice?
SilverEyedAngelX: Not by you requesting me?
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont put time into things that aren't worth it.
Ouch!
LacyDevilEyed: listen i tried to work with you but you have to meet me half way hun i can't fix us all by myself i need you to
LacyDevilEyed: we are going to make a night to hang out for a bit i would like you to come also
LacyDevilEyed: i will be right back i just have to make something for dinner or at least start it
SilverEyedAngelX: ...Whatever.
LacyDevilEyed: i want to talk to you though so don't go away
SilverEyedAngelX: Mmhmm..
SilverEyedAngelX: .. Fluffy died. Last week I think.. It was before Christmas.
SilverEyedAngelX: FYI..
LacyDevilEyed signed off at 9:38 P.M.
LacyDevilEyed signed on at 11:00 P.M.
LacyDevilEyed: do you really know how fluffy died
SilverEyedAngelX: He wasn't eating.
LacyDevilEyed: when did you notice that he wasn't eating
SilverEyedAngelX: He's always had issues eating, we even tried giving him a pinkie, a live one and he wouldnt take it. I went to give him fresh water and He was on his back not doing so good.
Rest in peace Fluffy :/
LacyDevilEyed: i lost you again
SilverEyedAngelX: Huh?
LacyDevilEyed: i have to clean out this comp
LacyDevilEyed: it was running really slow then gave us problems about connecting onto the net now it keeps freezing up on me and throwing me off
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay...
LacyDevilEyed: i can't find the birth certificate but i still have a couple of more things to go through
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay.....
LacyDevilEyed: if i can't find it tonight i can get a cvopy of it through social services then send for another original tomorrow to albany
LacyDevilEyed: is that all you can say is okay
Wtf else do you want me to say?
LacyDevilEyed: i have to move the rest of the stuff into storage tomorrow do you want to come
SilverEyedAngelX: Why would I want to come?
LacyDevilEyed: or just call me when you have a couple of hours to spend or even an hour tomorrow i will come get you if you want
SilverEyedAngelX: .....
LacyDevilEyed: what does that mean
SilverEyedAngelX: Nothing..
LacyDevilEyed: so what is your answer
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont know..
God Why the ******** would I want to go with her, and help her move her s**t into a storage center with a no good crack head bf of hers.. She's really pissing me off here..
LacyDevilEyed: would youike to spend a little time with me tomorrow
SilverEyedAngelX: .. I dont know.
LacyDevilEyed: i am only asking for about at least an hour of your time
SilverEyedAngelX: I said I don't know.
LacyDevilEyed: listen if we are going to come to some kind of a relationship or communication level we need to start somewhere
LacyDevilEyed: believe it or not i do understand what you are going through and your anger
LacyDevilEyed: you may not think so but i do
Phff.. Like hell she does..
SilverEyedAngelX: Look I'm not in the ******** mood right now to argue with you. I said I dont know. Leave it at that. .. NO You dont ******** understand! You never do and you never will!
LacyDevilEyed: there is a lot about me you do not know and maybe if you did and you let me start understanding you more we might be able to build a relationship
LacyDevilEyed: nobody is trying to argue with you i am only trying once again to reach out to you
LacyDevilEyed: i will be back in about 30 minutes i hope you are online
SilverEyedAngelX: .. No.. I'm going to bed.. I dont know whats wrong with me..
LacyDevilEyed: what do you mean you don't know whats wrong is it physical or mental that is bithering you
SilverEyedAngelX: Mental.
LacyDevilEyed: please give me about 30 minutes and if your still up please sign online
SilverEyedAngelX: Whatever....
LacyDevilEyed: i just have to clean up dinner
For those who are a tad confused, I have agreed to hear her out, To see what She has to say about how I should live my life, (Coming from an addict mind you)
LacyDevilEyed: hey sorry it took me so long but i had dishes and stuff then i had to ppppp
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay....
LacyDevilEyed: so what is going on inside you
SilverEyedAngelX: Wish I knew.
Seriously.
LacyDevilEyed: you must have some idea when did you start feeling this way
LacyDevilEyed: you need to start getting out more and doing something more positive with yourself
SilverEyedAngelX: .... *Doesn't know what to say*
LacyDevilEyed: huh
LacyDevilEyed: listen you want to go for vet tech right what if i did it with you
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont know what I wan't to go for..
LacyDevilEyed: you like working with asnimals and we can both apply for school loans and we can both go to collegew together i was looking into it and i think it would be something for you you say your not a people person and you have been with me since day one in rescuing animals you have the love and knowledge by now so do it with me
You have left animals in a house with crack addicts who locked them in rooms, Brought a neglected dog off the streets, Began healing him, Then never fixed him up completely, Now you've dumped him off at My brothers and his Cherry eye is getting worse, So he's suffering MORE neglect. Yeah, You should be a vet tech mom. Kudos.
LacyDevilEyed: listen you need a job and this could be the start of a career for you
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont..know
LacyDevilEyed: you will not have to worry about transportation because i have it and you will also meet others so you have more friends then just jesse
LacyDevilEyed: i am not saying that jesse isn't good enough what i am saying is that you need to start building more of a life then online
Why the ******** not? The people I know here, (Hi everyone! ^_^ <3 ) Are the only people I honestly give a ******** about anymore.. They listen to me when I need it. .and I feel comfterble telling them everything about me.. Which is a big change from a few months ago.
LacyDevilEyed: i like jesse ( just not with damion) but i am concerned that you are isolating yourself way to much you can't keep living at papas you need to fly
SilverEyedAngelX: ....Can't fly with broken wings.
LacyDevilEyed: your wings are not broken they are just not used
LacyDevilEyed: brb
SilverEyedAngelX: No... I cant make any of you understand, Not you, Not Chii, Not mama or papa, Sure as hell not that thing of a father I have.. You'll never get it, Even if I explain it
LacyDevilEyed: try me you would be surprised you and i have a lot in common even our thoughts believe it or not as i said there are a lot of things you do not know about me
LacyDevilEyed: hello
SilverEyedAngelX: Shut up, I'm typing.
LacyDevilEyed: sorry
Pwned again!
SilverEyedAngelX: Well here's a few things about me, I'm racist in a way, Hating most of your guys because they're black. I dont like black people. Bad expiriences. Lets see... I have people in love with me who I cant stand, Yet, The only person I do want is in ******** CA Who I would drop everything and run to if I could, I'm sick of the human race, Everyone seems so.. Unclean, It disgusts me, Everything disgusts me, I hate being around people I wish they would all fall apart infront of me, Just to watch their blood paint the side walks..
Bad expiriences, I was molested and constantly teased by blacks so I have a strong distrust for them, Granted yes I have a few black friends.. but If I see a black I dont know, They make me nervous.. I freak out, I cant be around them.. Escpecially the druggies mom brings home.
SilverEyedAngelX: Everything everyone does annoys me to the point where I hold it all in, Get home, Break down into a million tears bitching about how I cant say anything to anyone about anything
SilverEyedAngelX: It was different not to long ago, I was actually very happy, and I was starting to get back on my feet, but see, More s**t started happening, and when my ex left me, I was about ready to give up, I even carved the words DIE into my arm.. I was pissed though because the only blades I could find didnt break the skin, they just left red welts, Cat scratches. If it weren't for Ari calling me to come over, I might have used something else and wound up in the hospital
True *nod nod*
LacyDevilEyed: listen as for being a racist you are not just judgeamental against black people not all black people are the same pop pop even learned that one and he definately had a bad experience when he was 15 with a black man as for people i know you are not a people person you have been hurt in the past and even by people who you thought were your friends but you can;t give up and judge all the same all people bleed red and color doesn;t mean s**t i have had a lot of assholes in my past as men go black and white but i can't give up on living look you say that there is one person in ca that you would run too well he is people too so you see not all are bad besides you never even met him in person how do you know he is for real
LacyDevilEyed: nicole why would you even try something like that i don't judge you because i have done things also like that including trying to commit suicide but i am glad i f- it up and am still alive
SilverEyedAngelX: you say how do I know he's for real, Because he is the only one that makes me still believe there is a ******** reason to go on, and is the only reason I havent wound up dead right now
Yeah Sao, I'm talking about you.
LacyDevilEyed: please don't talk like that i love you more than life and i wish you would just give me a chance to help you but every time i try to reach out to you you say there is nothing wrong what i need from you is for you to explain what has happened to get you feeling this way i know and understand your pain and anger and how you are feeling now and the wanting to die but what i don;t know is what things that has happened to you in your past that got you this way i know what pain io have caused you but i wasn't the only one i want to be there for you and help you but you have to meet me half way and open up to me even if it is explaining it in writing instead of face to face
I'm sick of her saying she understands.. She doesn't know s**t about me. . I try hard.. I try to tell people how I feel.. Just like I should be telling them.. But I cant.. Because.. Its all locked away, The words in my mind will take a lot of reaching out to fully grasp them. I wan't to be happy.. But I'm so lost I dont know what happiness is anymore.. But.. I do know that I had it, for that short time together with David, I was happy, Truly happy.. Everyone saw the changes in me.. I smiled more.. I talked about him constantly.. I was so.. lonely without him around, Whenever he came on it felt like I was infact that Golden Retriever waiting by the door in the christmas cards you see everywhere.. The moment he came home, Was the moment my dull grey skies had changed color to blue, and nice came and the moonlight shined and we basked like that, Under the moons pale glow.. And I was together.. with him.. That's all I ever wanted.. Was to be together with him.. *watched him sign into MSN* .. But I've lost that chance now.. And honestly .. I feel so lost without him .. The sky has completely lost all color to me.. Everything is passing me by and I'm losing grasp in the things that I should be focused in.. I truly am lost without him.. *wiped the tears from her eyes* And mom.. Telling me she understands how I feel on most of this.. she really.. has no Idea.. Each day I wake up.. Hoping I will be able to get through the day without crying, Hoping maybe I will be able to make something of myself other then what I have become.. I'm so confused.. I need something.. someone and I'm not even sure who.. There's so many people after me right now.. So many guys "love" me right now.. But I don't really want any of them. .They all seem the same to me or hell they don't even know me and I dont know them.. It annoys me even more.. everything annoys me lately.. everything.. Everyone.. They dont even have to do anything, just sit there.. I'll get bitchy, and snap at them.. *sighs* God what the ******** is wrong with me.. Why the ******** am I even saying god anyway? It's not like he's real. Honestly, I thought we were all to be forgiven? So why the ******** am I suffering.. Ow ********.. another cramp.. ******** it.. I have to write more tomarrow, I am so tired I am going to pass out.. Goodnight all..
(My added rants and comentary will be in red, Just so you can skip through the conversation as needed)
Mom: LacyDevilEyed
Me: SilverEyedAnglX
LacyDevilEyed: are y ou gettin g this
SilverEyedAngelX: Yes...
SilverEyedAngelX: What do you wan't?
*Types in really small lettering*
LacyDevilEyed: could you have your print any smaller or are you doing that because you know i have trouble seeing
SilverEyedAngelX: : )
LacyDevilEyed: cute
LacyDevilEyed: are y ou going to be online for awhile or at least returning later
SilverEyedAngelX: ..... Possibly.. I dont like to be on AIM
LacyDevilEyed: give me a time when it will be best to get you online later
LacyDevilEyed: where do you go then
SilverEyedAngelX: MSN
LacyDevilEyed: this is the only im you have right
LacyDevilEyed: how do i do that
SilverEyedAngelX: You're a pain in the a**
LacyDevilEyed: yeah but you do love me
SilverEyedAngelX: ........
LacyDevilEyed: you know you do that is why you hate me so much
SilverEyedAngelX: That's what you think.
LacyDevilEyed: do you want to make a day next week that you and i can go somewhere and hang for a bit
LacyDevilEyed: i know you hate me that is how i know you love me
SilverEyedAngelX: .... Depends, Will you have money? Since, Thats all I seem to wan't you for.
LacyDevilEyed: if you did not love me you wouldn't put so much time into hating me
SilverEyedAngelX: Uh huh.. When was the last time I spoke to you by my own choice?
SilverEyedAngelX: Not by you requesting me?
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont put time into things that aren't worth it.
Ouch!
LacyDevilEyed: listen i tried to work with you but you have to meet me half way hun i can't fix us all by myself i need you to
LacyDevilEyed: we are going to make a night to hang out for a bit i would like you to come also
LacyDevilEyed: i will be right back i just have to make something for dinner or at least start it
SilverEyedAngelX: ...Whatever.
LacyDevilEyed: i want to talk to you though so don't go away
SilverEyedAngelX: Mmhmm..
SilverEyedAngelX: .. Fluffy died. Last week I think.. It was before Christmas.
SilverEyedAngelX: FYI..
LacyDevilEyed signed off at 9:38 P.M.
LacyDevilEyed signed on at 11:00 P.M.
LacyDevilEyed: do you really know how fluffy died
SilverEyedAngelX: He wasn't eating.
LacyDevilEyed: when did you notice that he wasn't eating
SilverEyedAngelX: He's always had issues eating, we even tried giving him a pinkie, a live one and he wouldnt take it. I went to give him fresh water and He was on his back not doing so good.
Rest in peace Fluffy :/
LacyDevilEyed: i lost you again
SilverEyedAngelX: Huh?
LacyDevilEyed: i have to clean out this comp
LacyDevilEyed: it was running really slow then gave us problems about connecting onto the net now it keeps freezing up on me and throwing me off
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay...
LacyDevilEyed: i can't find the birth certificate but i still have a couple of more things to go through
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay.....
LacyDevilEyed: if i can't find it tonight i can get a cvopy of it through social services then send for another original tomorrow to albany
LacyDevilEyed: is that all you can say is okay
Wtf else do you want me to say?
LacyDevilEyed: i have to move the rest of the stuff into storage tomorrow do you want to come
SilverEyedAngelX: Why would I want to come?
LacyDevilEyed: or just call me when you have a couple of hours to spend or even an hour tomorrow i will come get you if you want
SilverEyedAngelX: .....
LacyDevilEyed: what does that mean
SilverEyedAngelX: Nothing..
LacyDevilEyed: so what is your answer
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont know..
God Why the ******** would I want to go with her, and help her move her s**t into a storage center with a no good crack head bf of hers.. She's really pissing me off here..
LacyDevilEyed: would youike to spend a little time with me tomorrow
SilverEyedAngelX: .. I dont know.
LacyDevilEyed: i am only asking for about at least an hour of your time
SilverEyedAngelX: I said I don't know.
LacyDevilEyed: listen if we are going to come to some kind of a relationship or communication level we need to start somewhere
LacyDevilEyed: believe it or not i do understand what you are going through and your anger
LacyDevilEyed: you may not think so but i do
Phff.. Like hell she does..
SilverEyedAngelX: Look I'm not in the ******** mood right now to argue with you. I said I dont know. Leave it at that. .. NO You dont ******** understand! You never do and you never will!
LacyDevilEyed: there is a lot about me you do not know and maybe if you did and you let me start understanding you more we might be able to build a relationship
LacyDevilEyed: nobody is trying to argue with you i am only trying once again to reach out to you
LacyDevilEyed: i will be back in about 30 minutes i hope you are online
SilverEyedAngelX: .. No.. I'm going to bed.. I dont know whats wrong with me..
LacyDevilEyed: what do you mean you don't know whats wrong is it physical or mental that is bithering you
SilverEyedAngelX: Mental.
LacyDevilEyed: please give me about 30 minutes and if your still up please sign online
SilverEyedAngelX: Whatever....
LacyDevilEyed: i just have to clean up dinner
For those who are a tad confused, I have agreed to hear her out, To see what She has to say about how I should live my life, (Coming from an addict mind you)
LacyDevilEyed: hey sorry it took me so long but i had dishes and stuff then i had to ppppp
SilverEyedAngelX: Okay....
LacyDevilEyed: so what is going on inside you
SilverEyedAngelX: Wish I knew.
Seriously.
LacyDevilEyed: you must have some idea when did you start feeling this way
LacyDevilEyed: you need to start getting out more and doing something more positive with yourself
SilverEyedAngelX: .... *Doesn't know what to say*
LacyDevilEyed: huh
LacyDevilEyed: listen you want to go for vet tech right what if i did it with you
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont know what I wan't to go for..
LacyDevilEyed: you like working with asnimals and we can both apply for school loans and we can both go to collegew together i was looking into it and i think it would be something for you you say your not a people person and you have been with me since day one in rescuing animals you have the love and knowledge by now so do it with me
You have left animals in a house with crack addicts who locked them in rooms, Brought a neglected dog off the streets, Began healing him, Then never fixed him up completely, Now you've dumped him off at My brothers and his Cherry eye is getting worse, So he's suffering MORE neglect. Yeah, You should be a vet tech mom. Kudos.
LacyDevilEyed: listen you need a job and this could be the start of a career for you
SilverEyedAngelX: I dont..know
LacyDevilEyed: you will not have to worry about transportation because i have it and you will also meet others so you have more friends then just jesse
LacyDevilEyed: i am not saying that jesse isn't good enough what i am saying is that you need to start building more of a life then online
Why the ******** not? The people I know here, (Hi everyone! ^_^ <3 ) Are the only people I honestly give a ******** about anymore.. They listen to me when I need it. .and I feel comfterble telling them everything about me.. Which is a big change from a few months ago.
LacyDevilEyed: i like jesse ( just not with damion) but i am concerned that you are isolating yourself way to much you can't keep living at papas you need to fly
SilverEyedAngelX: ....Can't fly with broken wings.
LacyDevilEyed: your wings are not broken they are just not used
LacyDevilEyed: brb
SilverEyedAngelX: No... I cant make any of you understand, Not you, Not Chii, Not mama or papa, Sure as hell not that thing of a father I have.. You'll never get it, Even if I explain it
LacyDevilEyed: try me you would be surprised you and i have a lot in common even our thoughts believe it or not as i said there are a lot of things you do not know about me
LacyDevilEyed: hello
SilverEyedAngelX: Shut up, I'm typing.
LacyDevilEyed: sorry
Pwned again!
SilverEyedAngelX: Well here's a few things about me, I'm racist in a way, Hating most of your guys because they're black. I dont like black people. Bad expiriences. Lets see... I have people in love with me who I cant stand, Yet, The only person I do want is in ******** CA Who I would drop everything and run to if I could, I'm sick of the human race, Everyone seems so.. Unclean, It disgusts me, Everything disgusts me, I hate being around people I wish they would all fall apart infront of me, Just to watch their blood paint the side walks..
Bad expiriences, I was molested and constantly teased by blacks so I have a strong distrust for them, Granted yes I have a few black friends.. but If I see a black I dont know, They make me nervous.. I freak out, I cant be around them.. Escpecially the druggies mom brings home.
SilverEyedAngelX: Everything everyone does annoys me to the point where I hold it all in, Get home, Break down into a million tears bitching about how I cant say anything to anyone about anything
SilverEyedAngelX: It was different not to long ago, I was actually very happy, and I was starting to get back on my feet, but see, More s**t started happening, and when my ex left me, I was about ready to give up, I even carved the words DIE into my arm.. I was pissed though because the only blades I could find didnt break the skin, they just left red welts, Cat scratches. If it weren't for Ari calling me to come over, I might have used something else and wound up in the hospital
True *nod nod*
LacyDevilEyed: listen as for being a racist you are not just judgeamental against black people not all black people are the same pop pop even learned that one and he definately had a bad experience when he was 15 with a black man as for people i know you are not a people person you have been hurt in the past and even by people who you thought were your friends but you can;t give up and judge all the same all people bleed red and color doesn;t mean s**t i have had a lot of assholes in my past as men go black and white but i can't give up on living look you say that there is one person in ca that you would run too well he is people too so you see not all are bad besides you never even met him in person how do you know he is for real
LacyDevilEyed: nicole why would you even try something like that i don't judge you because i have done things also like that including trying to commit suicide but i am glad i f- it up and am still alive
SilverEyedAngelX: you say how do I know he's for real, Because he is the only one that makes me still believe there is a ******** reason to go on, and is the only reason I havent wound up dead right now
Yeah Sao, I'm talking about you.
LacyDevilEyed: please don't talk like that i love you more than life and i wish you would just give me a chance to help you but every time i try to reach out to you you say there is nothing wrong what i need from you is for you to explain what has happened to get you feeling this way i know and understand your pain and anger and how you are feeling now and the wanting to die but what i don;t know is what things that has happened to you in your past that got you this way i know what pain io have caused you but i wasn't the only one i want to be there for you and help you but you have to meet me half way and open up to me even if it is explaining it in writing instead of face to face
I'm sick of her saying she understands.. She doesn't know s**t about me. . I try hard.. I try to tell people how I feel.. Just like I should be telling them.. But I cant.. Because.. Its all locked away, The words in my mind will take a lot of reaching out to fully grasp them. I wan't to be happy.. But I'm so lost I dont know what happiness is anymore.. But.. I do know that I had it, for that short time together with David, I was happy, Truly happy.. Everyone saw the changes in me.. I smiled more.. I talked about him constantly.. I was so.. lonely without him around, Whenever he came on it felt like I was infact that Golden Retriever waiting by the door in the christmas cards you see everywhere.. The moment he came home, Was the moment my dull grey skies had changed color to blue, and nice came and the moonlight shined and we basked like that, Under the moons pale glow.. And I was together.. with him.. That's all I ever wanted.. Was to be together with him.. *watched him sign into MSN* .. But I've lost that chance now.. And honestly .. I feel so lost without him .. The sky has completely lost all color to me.. Everything is passing me by and I'm losing grasp in the things that I should be focused in.. I truly am lost without him.. *wiped the tears from her eyes* And mom.. Telling me she understands how I feel on most of this.. she really.. has no Idea.. Each day I wake up.. Hoping I will be able to get through the day without crying, Hoping maybe I will be able to make something of myself other then what I have become.. I'm so confused.. I need something.. someone and I'm not even sure who.. There's so many people after me right now.. So many guys "love" me right now.. But I don't really want any of them. .They all seem the same to me or hell they don't even know me and I dont know them.. It annoys me even more.. everything annoys me lately.. everything.. Everyone.. They dont even have to do anything, just sit there.. I'll get bitchy, and snap at them.. *sighs* God what the ******** is wrong with me.. Why the ******** am I even saying god anyway? It's not like he's real. Honestly, I thought we were all to be forgiven? So why the ******** am I suffering.. Ow ********.. another cramp.. ******** it.. I have to write more tomarrow, I am so tired I am going to pass out.. Goodnight all..
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