From here on.. I write without Regret. Maybe something will come out of it.. Or maybe nothing will come out of it. Either way, Something is bound to happen. Good or bad, I'm tired of hiding behind shallow eyes and blinding tears. I wan't to feel, And I wan't everything to be okay.. But.. That will never happen if I keep hiding.. So.. Here I am. This is me.
*deep breath*
Hey everyone. You all know me by many names.. So I will just for once stick with my real one. My name is Nicole Sikora, and I'm 19 years old as of 12/05/06. I grew up with my grandparents, after my mother had abandoned me for drugs. I was very attached to her.. so her abandonment of me had killed me when I was only 5. I spent years in therapy since then and yet seeing as how I am now, Nothing has changed. I still feel empty inside, In ways I cant even describe. I'm longing for something.. and a short time ago I thought I had found it. Or.. Well.. Him. I thought that.. I had finally found my happiness, in my life which truly has been nothing but a nightmare. Losing people I love left and right, Fearing being alone.. All of that slipped away when I met David. It started out just as a passing friendship.. I figured I would add him to my friends list, We'd exchange an occasional PM and never speak again. But.. That wasn't the case. Things got a lot more serious and eventually, That was it. I was in love with him. We were together.. and I was happy.. I began doing things that I would have been to much of a chicken s**t to do just a few weeks before. I was sneaking out of the house just to talk to him, Walking dark, cold streets just to hear him say "I love you" Because it gave me this feeling.. that everything was possible, And my past had completely began to just fade away and I was truly.. happy. But as the pain in the life I've had never ceases to rip me apart, David and I.. we broke up, and it killed me to the point where I wasn't sure if I could keep living anymore, I had finally thought that the entire world had just.. given up on me, That if he couldnt love me, nobody could. I've been broken, Jaded, Lost, Confused about everything since then. I know, You people are saying get over it, No guy is worth crying over and the one who is wont make you cry right? Easier said then felt. I can't make any of you understand how That felt, I'm not asking you to force yourself to understand. I'm asking you to listen, with an open mind, and an open heart, So that maybe, in one way, You can stop bitching at me for things I have trouble explaining to you about. Anyway.. Then.. Here's my mother. Back in my life once more, Trying to reach out to me.. and.. Something in me is making me refuse to reach back out, and take her hand and give in, and let myself go like I can do here. I don't know what it is, I just.. I'm scared maybe, Scared of admitting how I feel.. Because to me it seems like a weakness.. and I dont want to be weak.. I'm tired of curling up in a corner crying over lost words I never got a chance to say or never will be able to say due to my own inability to speak up when it's needed. I am a mess.. A complete mess. Toss a glass of water up onto a mirror, watch the water slide down the reflective prisim and you'll see what I see.. A distorted image of myself.. and only once the water clears and everything becomes less blurry.. I'll be able to see clearly on what it really is that I need.. but for now.. I cling to those who show me kindness.. and understanding.. because maybe thats all I really wanted.. not just some therapist who sits there taking notes, pretending to understand just to get paid... I want to be able to reach back out to the people who are reaching out to me.. And I'm trying really hard to see through the distortion of how I feel, The mixed emotions inside of me. But some how everything clouded by fear, Hate.. Ungreatfulness and annoyances.. I need someone by my side to help me. anyone.. not just a friend.. a lover too... God.. Listen to me, I don't even know what I'm saying, Blindly typing away, probably contradicting everything I've said in many ways then just one... God.. Who is he anyway..? I remember praying as a child for mommy to be okay, So I can be with her again one day. And we'll be a family. We'll live back in our house at blue mountain, and we'll catch frogs together, and salamanders, and we can run through the woods to the waterfall I used to play by, Remember mom? I know you're reading this, Because I've sent it to you. I wan't to wake up, have all of this be a dream, and have my mom asleep in the next room, so I can get up out of my little princess bed and crawl into hers and snuggle up against her and tell her, "Mommy..? I had a bad dream.." ... But I cant do that anymore.. I can only resort to hating her because I cant explain how I feel.. Yeah she did me wrong, She left me, and I know she suffers for it daily. She suffers for all of us, my brothers and my sister.. Every one of us theres always that twinge of guilt. She thinks I don't understand that, when I do, I really do.. I can see past a lot of people.. even if I have never met them.. I can feel them in ways nobody else can.. Be that a gift or an excuse for more pain.. I'm not sure.. All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to feel like I belong somewhere... And right now.. I don't feel like I belong.. I feel like i'm sitting in the middle of a dark room.. Not being able to see who or whats around me... And honestly, I'm Scared. Where.. is my light?
View User's Journal
Piffles
 |
"Goal..!"
User Comments: [6] [add]
|
The Tower Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
Dyclonius
Community Member 
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
Dark_Yoru Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
Rush XII
Community Member 
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
p a r a n o Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
User Comments: [6] [add]
Community Member