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things haven't been there best & i just need to let everything out. though it is far too late for any of this to make a diffrence I just wish to record some things that I have been feeling for a wile now.

about a month back me & a guy I had been dating broke things off. I figure I'll just start at the begginging though. at first we he was nothing more then another person on my list. we would talk & like all others eventuly conversation would run dry & nothing would be said for a wile. I wished him well with his endevers & we would have scatered conversations about what ever was on our mind. though after a wile it creeped me out a little how much we seemed to have in commen in some areas. one day he came out of no were & told me he loved me. I thought it was some kind of sick joke or something. so I kind of just brushed it off. I figured like all the others he'd eather leave or loose intrest. though he didn't.. he persisted. things continued.. though I tryed not to take too much notice of them. after a wile I suppose his convactions & a friends incuragment to loosen up & just try something new led me finnaly desiding to give him my #. taking the chance he could have beensome type of sicko stalker or mass murderer.. but he wasn't... he was incredibly sweet. at first things were a little on the acwerd side... but I began finding myself wanting to talk to him more & more. a picture he sent to me that at first didn't have much of an impression became more & more handsome to me. after a wile I couldn't help looking at it & smailing well a worm fuzzy sensation passed over me. I found myself more & more attached to this person... untel I loved him.. though there were things that anoyed me. like how he would be so very pushy, & telling my friend if I could be mixed with them he'd have the perfedt woman. it was kind of in there that I clamped down & took things slowly. not wanting to give myseldf away so easily.. but at the same time being afraid of being hurt. afraid of my falling completly in love with him & he just leaveing... I had a lot of worryes that remained unspoken. as well a lot of things I knew he did...that I hoped by hinting at it he would realize I knew. things for the most part were blisfull though untel he did something with my best friend. though he did admit to it.. & things were worked out... I just had so much trouble trusting him after that. but... I wanted things to work out.. things did get fixed up enough to the point were we had planed to viset eachother. I had maniged to get my parents to allow him to stay at the house & I told him that once... but he seemed to continue to think he wasn't welcome...though at times I know I didn't help & I curse myself for being so pethetic. but it eather seemed he didn't have the money or some one on one end or the other had some sort of probem with it. after that failed I got really depressed & figured he really didn't want to see me & wasn't serious about it...though I didn't exactly speack this aloud...the more I was hurting the quiter I kept it... untel I just couldn't take it anymore... we had a bunch of fights. eather I didn't want to work things out, he didn't or nothing seemed to be fixed just endless bikering & continueing hurt feelings... the fact I kept seeing him flerting with randome girls on the net...it killed me a little each time. I become desperit to fix things after a wile & just tryed everything... & nothing seemed to work... though many of the things were my own fualt & things with in myself I needed to figure out. it wasn't untel I resently talked to him...that i saw how enfentile I was behaving... & he took it so maturely most of the time. I creyed, I screemed at times.. when I was hurting which even when he & my friend did those thing together I hadn't done (though it was when she gave me the convos that it drove me crazy... knowing that he had done all this & glossed over what had happened. I was afraid he was doing it again) I was constenlt getting depressed, I had my friends telling me all these things, my own dark feeling sweraling with in... all the jelousy all the pain & still that over wellming love that made the pain all the more bitter. doing a lot of things I saverly wished I hadn't from complet loss of trust... only to find the trust was well placed, geting couht & taking things so childishly. believeing lies because I wanted a reason to condim him, I wanted a reason to kill the feelings I feilt & just hate him. even going so far as to hurt myself to make the pain go away & get his attention so he would see how I still felt... all of this so nieve & enfentile. things got to the point were we broke it off..but still remaind in contact. I still sercled around & around trying to figure things out & fix them..he found some one for a wile that seemed to make him happy.... & now he's hopelesly in love with her.. I promised myself that no matter how it kills me that i'd be supportive... because he deserves some one who will love him... & not in the way I did. in so many ways I used him like a crutch... an excuse to not make desisions I know I needed to but was afraid to. it wasn't untel we talked resently that I even realized many of my own fuals in it... though did know they were there... i just choose not to look or do anything about it. I still love that guy. but he doesn't need some one like me. I need to figure things out & do all those things I've been making exscuses not to do.. & maybe one of these days I'll find some one else.. but for the moment i'm not ready for that. I just hope she treats him well & not like I did.& perhaps we make better friends any way.
i know I probaly shouldn't put this here not many people read my jernal any way.. so I think I'm safe.