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Ari walked up to Flair, the shadows hiding most of her face. She recalled the words this man had said to her... "I don't mean to be depressing or anything but do you think I could talk to the old Ari...? The one that used to be like my sister...?" Ari looked away, her white wolfen-like ears flattened. She spoke into the silence, into the darkness that was the relationship her brother and her now had...
"...You want to talk to the old Ari...?" She paused for a minute to let the slight echo of the room turn to silence once again. "...You want me to spill my guts like I used to?" She asked, still looking away. "...I will... because... I have no one else left..."
The words made Ari shudder. As usual, she had no friends again. It seemed as though it would go in a pattern. She'd have the best friends in the world for a while and then it would stop and something would happen either to drive them away from her or something would make her be driven away from them. In this case, it was self-inflicted, and any pain caused was merely her own fault. She awaited Flair's answer in the cold darkness that eerily resembled their now cold relationship...
Flair turned to her. "What's wrong?"
She closed her eyes, her hair and clothes changed. She reverted back to the old hairstyle and clothing she used to have... When they first met... When they had the relationship she so dearly missed; To the old Ari...
"Are you ok?" He asked her, a slight concern in his voice.
She looked up and nodded slowly.
"I haven't seen the old Ari for a while..."
She looked down a bit. "It's Parano... And alot of other things..."
Parano was her crush. Love, really. There was no crush about it. The only crush there was the fact that they both loved each other but could never have a relationship. Parano was an online friend of hers, who lived several thousand miles away. She felt her wolfen ears fall back as she remembered his words: "And when she left... My heart sank... It was an awful feeling... And everytime I saw her Avvie... My heart made me feel wonderful inside..." She thought of Donnie... And how every night she would watch for his name to sign on... And how every time she saw his name online, her heart skipped a beat... For she truely loved Donnie... As those feelings were beginning to manifest themselves in Parano, she realized how unfaithful she was truely being to her actual boyfriend. She felt her heart sink and burried her face in her hands.
Flair turned to her. "Can I do anything?"
She paused for a minute. She swallowed her pride and turned her ears back. "Listen to me?"
He nodded. She smiled a little, but it faded fast.
She spoke to him, her voice soft and quiet enough that he could just hear her. "I'm unfithful. I'm less than he thinks... And I'm lower than anything else. I am s**t. I... have nothing to live for.... I'm bitchy, senseless, stupid, unfaithful, unloyal, coldhearted, uncaring, and worthless... I have no right to live... I am going behind Hideki's back, cheating on him with Mariko and Parano... and Donnie... And he knows something's wrong but he doesn't know what and I don't want to tell him because I don't really know what I'm doing with it... I know I love them all but I don't know how to handle it or what to do with it... Isn't true love only supposed to be for one person? Maybe that's not what I'm feeling, then? Maybe I'm just so mixed up, I don't know what it is that I'm feeling... So I'm risking everything including the feelings of all involved to ******** off... Or maybe I just need to flip a coin and get over it and hurt someone already. But they're all already hurting bad enough because I can't choose anyway and everyone's lying in wait, wondering what I'm going to do... But I really can't choose anyone. Hideki gave me a haven against Nancy... A place to live and showed me physical love for the first time. But my lust for him's wearing off fast. But I can't bear to leave him... Then there's Donnie, where the distance and his love are things I can never do again... Even though his love makes me feel so much better... He damaged me so bad... But...Maybe that was just my own fault... And I deserved to be damaged... I did... I know I did... But I can't get over thinking of him and comparing everything in me and Hideki's relationship with him and the relationship we had. Then Parano, the one who just wants something good to happen to me... The pure angel... He says he loves me and I know he does, but, again, I can't manage to leave Hideki or do distance again. I just can't take it... My god... If Parano found out that I'd cut because of this... Because of him... Then there's Mariko, who dropped me for someone who never loved her before and had no intention of doing so... She made me feel so used... But I still mess around with her... I even kiss her like we used to... And it scares me... Who will I choose? How will I choose? I can I just drop 3 other hearts to please 1... People will tell me... 'Do what makes you happy...' But I can never truely be happy... So that statement is nothing to me. I can never be happy because I have too many people to please and too many hearts I've played with. I can never be happy because the only way I can be happy is if I go back to Nancy's and drop this life... But with Nancy... I'll be in more turmoil... I'll have guff about not being able to live on my own... I'll have nowhere to turn again... And it's all self-inflicted. Anything they say to hurt me is true... I can't make it on my own. I can't do anything without mommy around. I can't fend for myself because I'm too damned lazy and even Hideki can vouch for me on that. I'm just so uselss... I can't see a point in living if the only reason that Im alive is to hurt people... And don't say I can change it because I can't. I've been trying to for years and never could. I never could see why my existance is so important or why I can't just slit my ******** wrists and get it over with. I don't see why I can't just fall and watch as no one catches me... Or why I can't die with a smile on my face to show that I'm no longer hurting anyone in death..." She cut short her speech... She wanted to see what he'd say.
He paused for a minute, surprised at all she had to say... He looked at her with a solemn stare. "I'm sorry for all the s**t that's going on... I wish I could help, but... I don't think I can... You might want to think about it for a few days before doing anything rash, though..."
"A few days?" She answered, almost laughing... "I've been driving myself insane over this for the past few weeks..."
Just so you know, this isn't just a story... This is a real conversation between a friend of mine and I... Please don't comment with your suggestions... Because you don't know the people, any input you have would be void...
 [~Ari~] · Sat Jan 06, 2007 @ 12:05pm · 1 Comments |
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![[~Ari~]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/d2/2b/238fd6e2252bd2.png?t=1218338863_6.00_01 "[~Ari~]")