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Valntines day sucks... I know everyone is probably saying it so this may sound aweful boring but... This is the first time in my life I ever really had someone to celebrate it with... Damion... He makes me smile so much more than I ever have and I want to be with him always. I want to have him in my arms forever... But as happy as he makes me, on Valentines Day, all I;ve wanted to do is cry... You see, at first, we didn't even REMEMBER that it was Valentine's Day. So we just worked out the day as any normal day. V-Day was especailly snowy. We've had very little snow here all year long so we've been wanting a good snow. Just one. Well, happy V-Day, we got our one snow. There's about 3ft out there. Because of the snow, a few people called out where Damion works. He's an overnight security guard at a bank (well... a wannabe bank..). They're really just building babysitters but this is beyond the point. He had off tonight. When we remembered that it was VDay, I was so happy. For once, I had someone to spend it with. I wanted to ******** him. 100%. And that's rather rare for me. I don't know if it's physical or psychological but for some reason I would rather do it myself than with him... And it's not that he's not good with it either. I don't know what it is but something about the idea of doing it with anyone really turns me off... *Looks away.* Anyway, again, I'm getting beyond the point here. The point is I was going to spend the day with him. We were going to cuddle on the couch and lay together, laugh, and maybe ********.
Yeah right.
As several people called out of work, he was MANDATED in. This means that if he didn't go in, he'd be fired. No exceptions. He could have died and still been fired the next day. I cried. Damion never found out that I did, thankfully. If he was to go to work at night, he'd have to have slept for most of the day. And it was turning early noon by this time. Mening VDay was shot. After letting my few tears loose, I straightened myself up a bit and he realized we had to go to Stewarts for a few things including tonight's lunch. He went out to get the truck warmed up. When he came back in, there was a big problem. His 20 year old non-fuel injected truck was not going to start in 3 feet of snow. Period. After almost killing the battery for trying to get the monster of an SUV truck started, we realized soon that we were going to have to hoof it to Stwearts: a good 3 mile walk both ways. In unplowed roads with no sidewalks and in blizzard conditions. When we got to Stewarts after tons of freezing and a headache a peice, we found a few things to get the truck started. We had a mere $9 to live off of. This was all we had to get milk, soda, and a few bottles of stuff for the car to make it start. If it would work at all. The trek back from Stewarts was fun, too. We ended up getting wrangled into getting some woman out of the snow. She had manged to get her car stuck in the snow to the point where her front driverside wheel wasn't even touching the ground. After pushing her out, me, an asmatic, and Damion, one who had to work tonight, trekked back to our trailer exhausted and frozen. We both downed some tylenol and took a shower (together).
We tried to get the car started with this stuff he bought meant specifically for carborators in winter. No dice. This truck wasn't going anywhere. After reveiwing out options (either a cab or a carpool), and with a total of $2 to live off of, we had to find something to do. Damion decided he would call work and tell them some con... He stated he had to watch his little brother and no one else could. The boss fell for it. If Damion had said it was the car, they would have said "taxi", "carpool", "bus", "hitchhike".... ect....
After laying on the couch for a bit, we tried the car one more time. Success! After Damion had gotten out of going to work... And now it was about 6pm... By about 7-8 we were called to his sister's house to help her fix her laptop and got home around... 10:30... the day was shot. We were exhausted. We were in no shape for a VDay celebration anymore.
But it kills me. He wanted to ********... He wanted to celebrate. I bitched about it at first that I wouldn't be able to celebrate VDay the first time I had someone to physically spend it with since any other VDay would have been with an online relationship... So now here I am, whining my a** off that I missed out on my cjance to celebrate VDay when it was my fault to begin with. All day he's been making playful passes and everything I kept turning him down. And now VDay's over... I never got to celebrate. Due to my own actions. But what gets me mose is... Why? Why did I push him away if it's what I wanted? Why did I refuse it at every turn? Is it possible that the effects of my relationship with John still ahunt me and the fact that he was a rapist? But Damion and I have ******** before... I'm no virgin... There's no reason for my sexual distance from him...
So now I ask you all a question. It comes from a cutter. Is this why red is both the color of blood and the color to represent Valentine's Day?... The two seem to go hand-in-hand...
By the way... There's someone reading this who I know will recognize it's her when she reads this through... There's something that's been running through my mind all day... Why did you shut me out last year? When we were dating and I continuously called on Valentines Day and you locked yourself in the bedroom refusing to talk to a soul...? Why did you ignore me so bad? What hurt you so deeply? Was it me? Was that Valentines Day the first crack in the dam? Was I the one who caused it? Or was it just that you were taking it out on me? You were the first person I ever had a chance of celebrating with on VDay... But due to your shutting me out, I was stuck... I never got to see you or talk to you for VDay... So it became a lost cause... At least this time, the person I'm with is here...
Blood... so thick... so smooth... and not a drop showing... yet...
 [~Ari~] · Thu Feb 15, 2007 @ 06:05am · 2 Comments |
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![[~Ari~]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/d2/2b/238fd6e2252bd2.png?t=1218338863_6.00_01 "[~Ari~]")