[Title :: What it looks like in here...]
Schizophrenia. More than one personality/life/mind inside of one brain. This is what I have. Or well, this is what we have. You can call me Kulame for now. I don't often use a computer though, so don't expect to see -me- again any time soon.
Anyway, i'm just going to describe what this inner-world looks like to me and the others. How it works, and all. In case anyone would be interested?
It looks like a city, primarily. Kind of like an old European city. One large, stone cobble street down the center that just stretches on out to some infinite abyss. On each side of this rather large street are little buildings. They look kind of like stores, with big window-displays, and doors that ding when you open them.
What's in those doors are just... these random scraps of things. Like a bowl one personality saw at one time. Or a photograph of a tree another personality looked at once. An old stuffed animal, tattered and worn, that none of us have ever seen in this physical world, but was imagined and used by some-such personality. Things that remind each personality of the real world.
Each personality has a little store. Some are huge and elegant, cleanly made. And yet others are small and abandoned-looking, with cracked glass and dusty objects. Whenever one of us isn't busy doing something in this.. void.. and we stop to look at the display of our store, and stare at one of those objects for a while, we tend to "wake up" in this physical world. I don't know about the others, but sometimes my store will be completely empty of any of those objects.. and with that, I won't be able to return here. I guess if someone wanted to keep all of us suppressed, they could remove all of their objects from their display? I don't know, it's never happened.
Now, on one end, this long stretching street meets with a very high, flat cliff. There's almost no way up the cliff, but it does have an edge to stand on. Barely enough room for more than two or three personalities/people. I've no idea how Yuvaw got up there. Well, on that cliff is where all of the "main" personalities/people stand and live. They have 'stores' of their own down here, but they don't need them.
From down in the city, where we all live, there's a tiny glint of light coming from that cliff. It looks like a star in the darkness. But apparently, from up there, it looks like a giant door - or window, if you will - beaming out this blinding light. When someone on the cliff wants into 'control' or 'consciousness', they just step into the light, and whoever was there before them falls back. This isn't an easy process, though. Yuvaw tells me, it takes alot of energy out of them. The cliff itself is very wet, as well. Slippery, it would be easy to fall down from it, though only once has Brian fell down from up there in this entire lifetime. There is another body up there, Yuvaw says. He said, he can't recall who it is, but they just lay there.. dead? They haven't moved in years. I can't imagine who it is, or how they got up there, or why Yuvaw doesn't push them off the cliff, if he even can.
To the east of the large, stretching street - out in the pitch darkness, is suppose to be some kind of enormous castle. Yuvaw says he can see it if he looks far enough, he can see everything in the darkness from up there. Only him. I've never been to this supposed castle though. I don't know if anyone is in it, if it is there. And I don't know what purpose they/it would have for being there.
Take a moment now to picture this world, yourself. You have a cliff leading to this real world, and if you jump down, you land on an old cobble road, leading into a somewhat distant European city of the past. You see nothing but old/new shops with large display windows full of odd objects on either side of this street. There's nothing but darkness ahead, and in all directions around this city. You keep going, though, following this road, all the way through/past this city. If you do this, you come to a kind of graveyard.
You need some kind of light to see in this graveyard, most of us do, at least. Usually I just pull a flashlight out of my pocket. It's always in my pocket, I can't get rid of it. I think the others have something like that, as well. Though I know that some of us have to bring some kind of light from their store in the city. Yuvaw, of course, doesn't need a light to see this graveyard. The road ends here. The ground becomes dusty, loose, like ash. There's no rocks, but there are bumps. The bumps of old bones, poking up out of the ground. Some of them have a grave-marker, some don't.
It's a large graveyard. Hundreds and hundreds of dead or sleeping personalities. I haven't a clue who they are, who they were, or what nightmare spawned them for this horrid fate of theirs. Some years back, when this body was around 15, one personality - Anaku - woke up and took full command of this body for a solid year. But we did have to fight him, and bring him back into this city. I won't go into details, but the battle lasted two days, and that caused the death of 12 personalities. Some were friends of mine, that I do miss. We didn't bury them in the graveyard, but they did appear there.
Now, Anaku is suppose to be left in a deep sleep in the center of this graveyard. In a crater, there. Chained down with steel nails, pinned in place. But, in the recent past months, he's somehow managed to wake back up. I believe it had to do with a cold that Brian or Cain got. We don't have enough power, the rest of us personalities, to hold him down again. We certainly can't kill Anaku, either, though he could wipe us all out if he focussed enough to do so. And he knows that. He doesn't care for us, but he still doesn't/hasn't tried to end us. I'm.. uncertain of why. Now, he wanders aimlessly around the graveyard, staring at the graves. He doesn't speak to us, only to people out in this real world. He is.. a terribly tragic person.
If you continue past this graveyard, I believe you will continue drifting outward forever. Never sleeping, never dying, just continuously losing yourself in blackness. I suppose if ever I did want to be done with this.. lie of a world, I would chose that way to leave.
Now, there is only one more factor to this facade of a world. We call him The Doctor. We don't know his name, if he even has one. He drifts around, just out of sight, at all times. He whispers sometimes, though I don't think any of us can understand the echoes. He doesn't seem to do anything other than that. He's come into consciousness a few times before, something none of us can explain. He is different from us. Indestructible. Brilliant. Wickedly malice. I believe he is the only true split personality of this body. Unconnected from any of us, working of his own free will. Planning.. something, I believe. Or maybe just waiting. For the rest of us to finish eachother off. I wouldn't be surprised.. Whenever one of us has the misfortune to bump into the Dr, he will maliciously, cruelly, and relentlessly torment us. Torture us. Give us nightmares.. so real.. Hmn, I fear the thought of him having conscious control of this body for too long.
There is no weather in this world. No smell. No temperature. There seems to be no atmosphere at all. Just a void we call home. Most of the time, us wake personalities just drift along the city. Bothering eachother. Bumping in and out of consciousness. Arguing over ridiculous paranoias. Making 'love', if they so choose. Deuce/Greed spends most of his time out in the graveyard. Sitting and staring at the city. He is the only one who spends so much time out there. He caused Anaku to re-awaken recently, by accident, he says.
Imakune and Orphious spend much of their time in the city together. They're almost like mirrors of eachother, though Imakune is far stronger and far more insane than Orphious. And don't misunderstand me, Orphious is insane. They often just stand and cackle at eachother for seemingly no reason at all. I spend much of my time walking along the edge of the street, thinking, and trying to listen to the echoes of the real world that come through the large gate up on the cliff. Yes, some sounds/thoughts do come through loudly enough for us to hear down here. I enjoy the music that Brian plays.
Yuvaw use to live down here, as well. For a short time, after Orphious gave birth to him. (Orphious and Yuvaw are the only form of family, lineage, in here. Orphious is the only personality that has successfully been able to birth/create another.) During that short time Yuvaw lived down here, he and I had a 'thing'. Yuvaw obsessed himself with me. He wanted me as Cain wants him. I wanted him to. Though I didn't make Yuvaw, he tells me I was the closest thing he had to a father. That's how it felt. I turned Yuvaw down. I declared Barachi on him - the ignored heart. Soon after, he somehow brought himself up to the cliff he stays on now.
Yuvaw is a very strong personality, there certainly is something unique about him. He is bitter and callous, but he does fight for what is best for this body's real-life, and for the better of us in the city, when he is needed. He has even fought the Dr on more than one occurrence, though he did not win. He hates absolutely everything about -what- he is, and the world he's forced to live in. Both real world, and this false world. It pains him to exist, and I do see and know how very alone he is. But dispite this, he choses not to end himself. Not to walk out into that abyss and never return. Never to rest. It boggles me..
I suppose that will do.. this entry is long enough. But, it was nice to tell this story.
