There is a ton that I need to catch up on, so I'll likely be adding to this entry in bits and pieces to keep my fingers from getting tired.
Let's start back at a few entires ago, namely entry "This is certainly an odd turn of events". The night I made that entry, I finally had decided to ask Tracy out at the comedy club - she said yes, and we watched the comedy routine and had a few laughs. Tig was performing that night, and made a few jokes that Tracy didn't care for, though I found them hilarious. There was a point in the show in which she went on about how there's hotels with Spanish sides to the "Do not disturb" signs that read "No moleste" - later in the show, she decides to make someone uncomfortable at the other side of the room, and I decided to shout "no molesto". The room pretty much feel silent, then the routine continued. Tracy was mortified, but embarrassing her amused me greatly xD.
She and I proceeded to her car, then sat there for a while talking about how high school was, and how she had her son, what's been going on in the past couple years. She and I had a number of awkward silences before we decided to finally go home. We arrived at my dad's house, then I moved in for a kiss - it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I was excited to finally have kissed someone I had known for six years. Little did I know what that one little kiss would have gotten me in to during the upcoming weeks.
During the next three days, we hung out at the mall and my dad's house, and things went way faster than I'm used to. We were kissing more and more intently each time we did, and by the second day I had already seen her without a shirt. I had no idea whether to be excited or concerned at this point. Looking back at it, I should have seen something was wrong at that point - don't know why I didn't. I suppose I had the standard male drive running for me at that time, and my brain seemed to have stepped aside for a while.
On Sunday, we went out to the mall for a while - she payed her phone bill, we ate dinner at a pizza place inside, then we got back to my dad's house around 9pm. I was about to leave the car, so I gave her a kiss and was going to leave, but she had something new on her mind that night.
Warning, the below section contains too much information. If you don't want to hear about it, don't highlight it.
[TMI]She and I kissed again just before I was about to go, but then she started guiding my right hand to her chest, then down onto her legs. From there, it got moved up further and further, then before I knew it I was touching her crotch. One thing lead to another, and then she told me she wanted to have sex with me. The thoughts in my head were basically non-existent, and within the minute, she had her pants off, and I had my clothes off, then I lost my virginity to her. I don't regret having done this, but somehow I thought it would feel different. Maybe it's because she's given birth? I dunno.[/TMI]
The following day, I receive a phone call from her. She's calling to inform me to tell me that she used me to get what she wanted, and that I should break up with her. I didn't believe her, I believed there was something else to this call, and after some time, I managed to convince her to stay with me. She and I continued to see each other, but it wasn't pleasant.
Every day, she would yell at me about this, that, or the other for no apparent reason over the phone, and would demand sex every opportunity we got to be alone. Even the tiniest thing would instantly cause her to either yell at me or jump me - if she wasn't doing one, she was doing the other. Yes, there were some good times, but not nearly enough to counter the bad ones. And as far as sex went, too much was just too much - doing that with her basically lost meaning after a while.
She not only was mean all the time, but she claimed to have a split personality of whom she blamed for her behaviour, and was absolutely convinced that she was a vampire that could talk to the moon through telepathy. She wasn't all there upstairs, and that made it all the more difficult.
After a week of being with her, she pressured me into asking her to marry her. She bought a cheap ring, and I was basically put into a situation in which I couldn't escape. I became engaged to her against my own will at a mall food court. I should have told her I wasn't going to do it, but I didn't want to break her heart or make her feel unwanted, so I went through with it. Stupidest decision ever.
On a sidenote, but in sequence with the event:
Tracy's mom works for the technology department at my old high school, and they had a position for an assistant during the summer, so I managed to get a job with the district. I almost didn't get the job, as transportation was impossible to get the application, but I was informed of an online version of the application I could print out and mail in. Luckily, my mom had bought a printer/scanner just a couple days before, so I managed to print, scan, and email this to the district just before they stopped taking applications.
The relationship continued for about two months, and I had finally had enough. I didn't want to break her heart, but I knew I had to in order to be happy. I hadn't called her the day before, but she called me that day in a rage, and that's when I finally said I had to let her go. She was of course upset, but I had had made my final decision, and I'm glad I did. I couldn't have lived with her for any longer.
. . .
I missed my best friend. She was dating Mick around the same time I was dating Tracy, and she and I didn't talk that much during that time period. I would often find myself wondering what Natalie was doing, even when Tracy and I were hanging out - I know I said I had moved on, but I really didn't. I suppose I knew it all along... no matter what, she was in my thoughts.
Since then, a few things had come up in Natalie's life, but the biggest impact on everyone's life was Mick leaving her. Apparently Mick's ex- came back to him, proclaiming her love or something, and Mick sequentially left Natalie for her. This turned out to be both a good thing and a bad thing - bad in that it left Natalie sad, but good in that Natalie's mom decided to allow her to visit Texas for a while. I'm in Texas! =D
Natalie got to meet Joe and I for the first time ever during this visit, and to say I was excited is an understatement, although Natalie had been quite a bit more expressive about it xD. When Natalie saw me for the first time, it was from across a parking lot at a school - I parked on the wrong end, and we had to walk Dx. When we finally got face to face, Natalie started jumping up and down, repeating "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" and then finally leaped into my arms. The excitement coming from Natalie scared Joe, Rachel [her friend], and I a wee bit, but it was all good, because I finally saw someone I've wanted to meet for so long :3.
Natalie, Joe, and I left in my dad's car (Rachel went back home), and we decided to hang out around San Marcos a little bit as the day plan. Hung out at Hobby Lobby, Wal-Mart, and a few other places then went back to the school. While at Hobby Lobby, Natalie and I were walking around a little bit, Joe had gone off somewhere - Natalie stops me in the store around the wicker baskets, turns around, and gives me a kiss. I was quite surprised, but it was something I had been wanting to do since I saw her. It was a little odd, but I enjoyed it.
Natalie and I had discussed her spending the night at my dad's house, and my dad had initially agreed to it - Debbie [my dad's girlfriend], however, decided she didn't like the idea. The decision thusly became overruled just before she was supposed to visit. I had a lengthy discussion with my dad about his change of heart, and asked why he didn't want Natalie over - the result boiled down to that Debbie didn't want anyone around. When my dad makes a decision, he usually sticks to it, but Debbie has that hold on him to bend him to her will.
We were under the impression that that day was the only day we'd be able to see Natalie, and I really wanted to see my best friend for a while longer. I know my dad make his influenced decision, and wouldn't budge from it, but I decided to call him up anyhow and try to get him to change his mind. I spoke with him for a few minutes, and the conversation consisted of the exact same reason I had gotten during my hour long discussion with him. I knew arguing my point was fruitless, so I told Natalie that my dad wasn't willing to budge.
Joe, on the other hand, was convinced that he could change dad's mind. Hoping that he knew something that I didn't, I handed him the phone and he called my dad up. He pretty much chewed my dad out for changing his mind as a result of being told to, but received a lot of backfire. He got the same answer I did, then decided to call Debbie to ask what was going on - she denied the whole thing. Joe called dad back up and told him what Debbie had said, and suddenly the story changed - he claimed to have made the decision on his own. Ugh.
While Joe was on the phone, Natalie and I sat in the car and rolled down all the windows and opened the doors [4-side air conditioning]. We spoke for a minute, layed down the chairs, and we kissed. It felt somewhat strange, but I suppose it's because her face structure was rather small - I wasn't used to it, I guess. I stepped out for a few minutes, as the car was really warm, then I sat back inside on the passenger side, then we kissed again. Again, it felt kind of strange but I still enjoyed it. Around this time, some gym teacher from the school walked out to his van then yelled at us "Should you kids be doin' that on school property?" I explained that we were waiting for Natalie's friend, and she'll be here shortly.
Joe handed me the phone, and I stepped out of the car to talk with my dad. My dad went on about how he doesn't like being held hostage and how I'll lose car privileges entirely if I don't leave right then. I explained to him that it was never my intention to hold anyone hostage, and I tried to cover Joe's a** by telling my dad that he was sorry. Again I tried in vain to get him to change his mind, but he's pretty much hard-headed.
Natalie came up with an idea. She called up her friend in Austin to see if she'd be allowed to spend the night there. Her friend asked her mom, and it was decided to be okay - which is very good, because Austin is way closer than Buda. I called my dad up again, and asked if I could take him to work tomorrow so I could use the car to visit Natalie in Austin. He said he'd allow me, as long as I didn't pull what happened that night. I agreed to his terms, and I had the availability of a car the next day :3.
The next day, I woke up early specifically to get my dad to work, then right away to pick up Natalie. Turns out my dad wanted to work from home that day, so that made it easier. My dad made mention of the Arboretum just around that area, so we decided to make that our activity of the day. It's a fun little place with a few shopping places, the stone cows, and ducks - pretty relaxing. We walked around a little, did various things, and then eventually got down to the ducks. We ate at the cheesecake factory and I ordered the nachos, so I had a box of leftover food when we got down there.
We fed the ducks a little, and for some reason Joe stopped talking entirely. He like became Silent Bob for a while - don't understand why, but he just did, hand motions and all. I had noticed Natalie was acting a little strange as well, and I tried to figure it out - I just couldn't for some reason. We sat down at a picnic table nearby, and we started carving things into it with my pocket knife. I wrote "LSG SOCKS", Natalie wrote our Gaia screen names on the table, and Joe wrote "Joe was here."
Natalie had borrowed my pen, and started doodling on a leaf. After she was done, I looked over and asked her what it was. I kinda took it from her, though she didn't really seem to care that I did, and I read the words "I love you" on the back. I had been hoping the entirety of the visit that she had still felt for me, and I took this as a hopeful chance. Natalie walked away about this time, and I scribbled "too" on it and caught up with her up on the stairway. I handed her this leaf, she took a look at it and set it down - I knew something was up at this point.
It was pretty early in the day still, so we decided to go to the mall in Cedar Park. I swung by the house to show her where Joe and I live, then we proceeded to Lakeline mall. I got the three of us tickets to see Evan Almighty, then we walked around the mall a bit. There was a photo booth around the middle of the mall, and by this time I had noticed the attention Joe was getting from Natalie. Figuring Natalie had something for Joe, I pushed Joe in next to Natalie and tried to squeeze in after they were situated. Much to my surprise, the picture booth started counting down before we got a chance to figure it out, so the pictures came out a little strange. [Here's the picture]
We looked at the time, and decided we needed to get in the theature before it gets packed. We go into the doors to find some seats, only to find the entire place is filled up D:. The three of us find a spot near the front, and start watching the movie. During the movie, I notice Natalie had been abnormally distant from me, then about halfway though I saw her hands intertwined with Joe's. During the rest of the movie, I couldn't think about anything else - I lost the girl I cared deeply for for to my own brother.
We left the theature after the movie ended, and got the the parking lot. We found our car and I went to turn it on - Found something was very different about how the car sounded when I turned the ignition, namely that it wasn't going on at all. The lady across the parking space just so happened to be getting her into her car, then mentioned to us that the lights were on earlier. Great, just great. I killed the battery DD:. I asked a guy in the parking lot for a jump start, and he gladly lent a hand - it's a good thing we had the jumper cables.
Thinking that it would be bad to return to my dad's house right away because we knew where a charger was and didn't want to return a broken car to my dad. We proceeded to my mom's house to charge the car, and hung out a while. By the time we looked at the clock, it was way too late to drive back - so, my mom called my dad up with a story and managed to get him to pick up the car. Natalie spent the night there, and then we found the plane didn't leave until the over a week from then. She spent the duration of her time in Texas at my mom's house - played board games, Guitar Hero II, and met the rest of my family.
I had a short week that week, so I was able to hang around the house without worrying too much about work. On Monday night, I stayed up pretty late with Natalie and Joe, so I skipped Tuesday with the excuse of flooding - didn't have any work after then that week.
Later that day, Joe and I were playing Guitar Hero, and I mention to Joe that I think Natalie may like him. He says that she asked him out at the mall, and immediately I'm thinking "I knew it D:". I tell Joe to ask Natalie to talk with me, and he gets her. I tell her that I'm okay with her dating Joe, although my feelings we so mixed at the point that I didn't know if it was true or not, and that I'm glad Joe's first girlfriend is her, which I know to be true. She hugs me, and we fall over, then she leaves the room.
So starts the week of endurance.
I hung out with Natalie as much as I could, but respected the space she and Joe had. I let them alone once a while for whatever they wanted to do, and tried to keep myself from showing what I felt. A couple times during the week, however, I had to say what was going on in my head - I had to tell her that I felt strongly for her still. Each time I did, we would kiss and the cycle would start again from point "A". I played Guitar Hero with them, and would often hope for times in which Natalie didn't want to play anymore and Joe still did so that I could have Natalie by my side, if only for a little while. I absolutely loved having her next to me, but at the same time I felt guilty that Joe might feel jealous when he saw this.
Every hug I got, and every bit time I got to spend with her where she wasn't ogling over Joe [or more often vice-versa] was absolute bliss. I never wanted to admit the jealousy I felt when Joe had her on his arm or kissed her - I just sort of sat somewhere else whenever it happened. I didn't want to drive any kind of wedge into what they had, even though I couldn't help but feel the way I did.
About the saddest thing I've had to endure in forever was her departure. I know that she had to go back home, but I really wanted her to stay. Despite the relation with Joe, he company made me feel warm inside - almost as if I were addicted to her. A few days later, I hear from her a day before she had to leave for Ohio [I was at work], and she tells me that she's going to pick Joe up to spend time, and that she'd be able to swing by my house by the time I got out of work.
I was excited. I had a really bad day, and being able to give her a hug before she left would have made everything better. At the end of the day, about ready to leave, she calls me again. Apparently, I missed the opportunity to see my best friend for the last time in a long time by a half hour D:. The day in which everything went wrong continued until the day after.
I pretty much dragged my feet the rest of the week.
A few weeks have passed since she was here, and to say I miss her is the understatement of the century. I love her to death, and she me, and as a result, Joe and I have been having a sort of cold war. We act like things are okay between us, but both sides felt envy of the other - Joe for how Natalie and I talk to each other, and I for Joe having her. Neither side was willing to admit to the other what is going on in our minds, but we both know that we know.
Yesterday, Natalie had finally made a decision. She really liked Joe, and wanted to love him, but because she loved me she couldn't. She broke up with him, but Joe didn't seem to care one way or the other - or so he let on. I know something was brewing in his head, but I'm not entirely sure what. I'm absolutely sure he thought I had caused this, and rightly so - I am the cause, even though I didn't want to be.
She still really likes him, maybe even loves him, and I know she wants to be with him. I just don't know what to think at this time. I love her, Joe loves her, she loves both - it's confusing. I know that Joe is probably better for her, but I don't feel quite right without her.
I'm putting too much pressure on her. I know I am. I want her, and I love her beyond anything I've ever felt, but she doesn't need this kind of stress. She needs Joe, not me.
That's everything, I think. I'll edit more in if I can think of it.
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It's not what it looks like, I swear.
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