My darkest secret came out into the open yesterday, and I lost my best friend because of it.
...
I feel like I should just jump off a bridge or something. Maybe if I'm dead, this will never resurface, I'll never have to go though the pain it causes, then maybe the haunting of this memory will finally stop. She is my world, and since I'm 100% positive that she's never going to speak to me again at this point, the bridge doesn't sound like too bad of an idea.
It seems that every time there's something huge going on, I freeze up like a deer in the headlights. This secret was one of those times. When my dad changed his mind to letting Natalie spend a night, that was a time. Hell, even when my mom started yelling at Tracy and calling her a slut, it was a time. Why the hell can't I take action when I need to? I don't choose to not, I just can't act upon the situation when something large is at stake and I have no idea why. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, get to the root of my problem.
Edit: I know she hates me now. And for the first time in my life, I really considered that bridge. I couldn't help what happened - it wasn't my decision. All it took was a split second for my brother to manipulate me, and that ruined my life. ********. All it took was her learning of something that I HAD NO CONTROL OF to go from her loving me to wishing I was in the ground. I think I should cut my losses and make sure I never feel this horrible again...
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It's not what it looks like, I swear.
And that just what you know
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