I have friends who constantly ask why I hate the book 'Twilight' with a bloody passion. Brace yourselves, Twilight fans. I am about to explain why it is just the worst book I have ever picked up.
Disclaimer: You DO NOT have to go by what I say in this journal. It is MY opinion, and I could care less if you like Twilight. Please don't let one bad review stop you from picking up something you could potantially like.
1. The main characters alone bug the hell out of me. What? Bella's supposedly the most mature and beautiful female in the whole school? Edward constantly reminds her that humans are shallow creatures. And he's right. If he could read Bella's mind, he'd dump her in a heartbeat. They're whole relationship is based on 'his shining, mesmerizing amber eyes' and 'her blood smells good and I can't probe around in her mind like the pervert vampire I am'. There is absolutely NOTHING appealing about Bella, yet 5 guys fall for her, and every guy in the school seems to lust after her.
2. The secondary characters are cardboard cut-outs that are there solely to make the Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu look good. There are only two characters that actually help the non-existent plot move along. For about 20-50 pages of the 500 page book. The other 450 pages happen to be Bella describing how 'perfect' Edward is.'
3. Which brings me to my next point: The authoress is constantly reminding us of certain things. The most notable examples are:
Edward's 'perfection'
The 'thunderous volume' of Bella's super old and crappy truck
How clumsy and pessimistic Bella really is. (Remember this, it's important... sort of)
Picture something like this in your head: "I went to school. Edward almost ran me over with his Volvo. When it almost ran me down, I couldn't help but stare at his mesmerizing amber eyes. Then he dropped me off back at home. I couldn't talk to him in the car because his eyes were so mermerizing. I got into some danger because I lurked into a dark corner like the dumbass Mary-Sue I am. Edward saved me. Did I mention his eyes sparkled like amber?"
Ladies and gentlemen... That is Bella's point of view.
4. Remember how I said she constantly reminded us that Bella is clumsy? Well, that chick must have some kind of neurological problem or something, because she apparently CAN'T WALK RIGHT! GOD! She is always tripping over her own two freaking feet and everybody just thinks it's OHSOADORABLE! Edward constantly carries her to the nurse's office. Yes. He CARRIES her because she is incapable at walking.
5. Her clumsiness is her only 'flaw'. Bella never curses, she is very passive and 'giving', follows direct orders from just about anybody, and basically worships the ground Edward walks on. This is because none of her friends like her anymore. She's too busy worshiping her man that she doesn't have any time to spend with her 'shallow' friends.
6. Please stop the angst. Anymore, and I'll slit my own wrists. The whole book revolves around "Oh you are a vampire and I am a human! I don't care it's twu lub!" Or, as Edward puts it, "I can crush your skull anytime I please. I am too dangerous for j00."
7. Stephanie Meyer's vampires suck. They are all beautiful undead cardboard cutouts who happen to have superpowers. They also feed on animal blood instead of human blood and play baseball for a hobby. WTF? Forget this, I'm gonna pick up a copy of Interview With a Vampire. Anne Rice seriously need to give Meyer a lesson in vampire novels, or two.
8. Horrible morals. Wait, I take that back. I just LOVE all the life lessons Bella presents. "If you don't have a man in your life, you are nothing! If you do, however, you are good to go. You don't need ambitions, hobbies, dreams, or even friends! As long as you lick and worship the ground your man walks on, you are A-OK!"
Ah, let's not forget Edwards life lessons. "I am the vampire. It doesn't matter if a woman has an opinion, for mine is far superior. Bella doesn't get a say in anything, ever. Let's constantly show her that I am physically superior to her."
9. Awful dialogue. No normal self-respecting teen would speak like they do in 'Twilight'. Bella sounds like a 30 year old trying to impersonate a teenager. Poorly. I think Meyer actually thought of things SHE would say in that situation. Wrong. Instead... What would Valen say in that situation?
That part has been censored for OBVIOUS reasons.
10. Again, back to the fact that her vampires are not appealing in any way. Edward is not exactly Mr. Personality. But, I mean, aren't vampires supposed to be provocative, seductive, and alluring? The Cullens (vampire family) are none of these things! The only good characters are the snarky Rosalie and the selfless Charlisle. God, I hope I spelt that right.
11. This story is the biggest lack of creativity I have ever seen in my life. it is every Quizilla vampire story ever written smashed into the sad excuse for a book they call 'Twilight'. I should know... I'm ashamed to say that I've written one. My vampire was bad-a**, though. wink
12. Bella's so-called 'true love' is total BS. You can't fall in love in a month if you barely even know the guy! True love is a slow, awkward process with ups and downs, conflict and many many fluffy moments. She took out the best part of the story by having them immediately fall for one another and skipping to the fluffy moments.
After that, all they do is freaking angst.
13. Bella is a manipulative little... must. resist. cursing uncontrollably. Well, you get the idea. Again, this is adding on to the fact that Bella is not likeable in any way shape or form. She constantly lies to her father about where she is, even though he shows no dislike for Edward until the second book. When Edward left her, she stuck to Jacob like gum until he came back. Then, she dropped him like a hot sack of potatoes.
See what it does? Now I constantly have to compare relationships in Twilight to food! That's not natural! Actually, it's about as natural as a dry watermelon... CRAP!
14. I, personally, can't see why Bella even likes Edward. He puts her down constantly, whether he means to or not. Meyer said she did not intend for this, which just shows how poor she is at writing relationships.
15. Because of her publishers, Meyer is not even writing for fun anymore. If she stopped at Twilight (she wrote Twilight because she enjoyed writing, but is now writing more to rake in cash) I wouldn't be so angry. I hope she's reading this: Don't. Write. Any. More. Twilight. Books. I mean, start something new!
16. There is no suspense because the fact the Edward is a vampire is slapped right on the back of the book. Well, if we know the whole book is ruined! If they didn't slap that on the back we wouldn't have found out till page like... 200. That's what books are all about! Pacing and suspense! Since we know he's a vampire, there's no point in reading, because that was what the WHOLE FREAKING BOOK was all about! Like I said: Non-existant plot.
And... Now you know why I hate Twilight! <--- Resisting the urge to put multiple exclamation marks.
Lady.Valen Community Member 
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