Between work, being stuck at home, having a broken car, and now my phone being disconnected ...
Okay, I need to rant.
Is this going to be what life is going to be like for the rest of my life? Even with a car, I felt like I was stuck with nothing more -- I went to work, sat there all day in my tiny office with no windows, went home, sat online and talked a little, then went to bed and repeated. Is there nothing more than this? Certainly talking to Natalie always makes my day brighter, but now I can't even do that. All the money I earn is always gone, and I sleep on the floor still -- a mattress is only $200 with boxspring, and I can't even afford that. I have no bills, but $200 goes to family to keep us afloat, $200 goes to gas each month, and the rest... it vanishes. I don't spend it, but I never have it.
I'm owed a lot of money, but at the moment, I couldn't care less. My weekends don't exist to me because they're constantly filled with things I don't really want to do. I never get enough sleep because I have to wake at 6:30 am, and I can't fall asleep until 10. My room is dark and tiny, but I don't want to rearrange anything because there's nowhere to put anything.
All I do anymore is belittling to me. I have very little meaning left in my daily life, short of the only person I can say I really care about. I wish I could just fly away to somewhere where I mean something to somebody. I wish there was more than this drudging, but everywhere I look seems to be the same result. I don't even make enough money to live on my own or go anywhere, not that I went anywhere anyhow, but having the option is nice. I'm trapped, and I feel that there's no point to anything. Maybe I should just quit. I'd be making just as much money as I am now by sitting home like I used to.
And something I've wanted for so long finally happened -- The person I love asked me to be hers again, but the depressing feeling from being trapped in this meaningless existence took away the joy I thought I would feel. Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my being, but I just can't be happy. I've been extremely pessimistic in my thought about the relationship because I just can't be happy. I want to get out of all this.. the meaningless job, my stuck-at-home lifestyle, my negative thoughts, my tiny spaces. I just want to be left alone with the person I adore and finally be happy. But this won't happen will it? Her most recent journal takes even that away from me. I should just curl up in a ball somewhere, it'll be just as fulfilling as my current and future existence.
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It's not what it looks like, I swear.
And that just what you know
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User Comments: [1] [add]
User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
On a side note:
Give yourself a slap on the face real hard...
it's handy from time to time.