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Today was my sweet 16, only there was nothing sweet about it really. Except cake and all the hugs.

It was sucky because my school friends hurt me. For everyone's b-day so far this year, everyone's locker has gotten decorated (either before school or during lunch) one way or another. Mine? Nothing. Not even a solitary sticky note. I've helped decorate some of their lockers, and signed the wrapping paper/sticky notes at some point during the day if I hadn't made it to school in time to help with the actual decorating. And yet I get nada, zip, zilch, nothing at all. Not even expo marker scribbles.

And no birthday presents to open today. Hannah and Kelli gave me theirs on Saturday, and I've just been getting cards with checks in the mail from relatives. But nothing from my mom or sister (my dad got me snorkel gear earlier this month and is reducing how much I owe him for Hawaii sweatdrop ) Oh, and no cards from school friends. Half of them didn't even know it was my birthday until they heard someone else wish me a happy birthday. Then they were all like "Its your birthday???" me: "yeah" them: "Happy birthday!"

Seriously, what kind of friends don't even know when your birthday is? I at least am well known for having roughly the memory span of a goldfish, but I manage to remember around when their birthdays are. Kelli has an excuse, she never remember's s**t, yet she remembered the month and asked me what day. She remembered. And no I didn't expect her to decorate. She gets to school usually around when the warning bell rings, so she'd never have the time (if, that is, she was capable of remembering too lol).


I know I probably sound immature for being hurt that my locker didn't get decorated, and no one did anything for me (except my mom - she got a cake for me and Krispy since we share a b-day. It's hell week at theater which means we eat dinner at school at like 3:30/4:00). But, to me it seems to show that none of my friends seem to care enough about me to do anything on my birthday, but they care enough about each other to do for each other. It makes me feel almost as if they just pretend to be my friend, that they don't really like me, I'm just someone they hang out with cause I'm around.

Last year it didn't matter my locker didn't get decorated, hardly anyone's did. We were still forming friendships, it was Freshman year. Everyone was like that. But this year, I thought I was there with my friends. But obviously I'm just an outsider. I keep finding more and more evidence pointing me to that conclusion. Which is scary for me, because being utterly alone scares me. It scares the s**t out of me. I don't mind being on my own, but being alone pernamently, friendless - there's nothing that scares me more.