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There is a reason I've titled this entry how it is.
Last Saturday on DLS I was pouring my little heart out and saw this posted:

"I want to love.
So bad.

I want someone to not care how much I worry.
I want someone to not care how much I care.

I want someone who finds me beautiful,
even when I just wake up,
even when I don't make myself pretty.
I want someone who finds me beautiful for me.
Just me.
Not the mask I put up."

:/

Regrettably this is how I feel.
It's all true.
And bleh on all of you who have a problem with it.
I know people who post about NOTHING but their screwed up love lives on Gaia.

But, I don't.
At least, not that often.
Sure, the person I love doesn't love me back...
But, I'm over it.
Y'know, I look at it as "at least we can still be best friends."
I mean, it IS only high school anyway.

And that's what worries me.
I like the secure feeling he gives me.
(excuse the bleeding heart routine I'm about to do)
I just, hate being alone.
In the love sense,
But more so with friends.
Everyone's pretty much leaving.
I'm going to Northwestern.
Ida's going to Fort Polk.
Taylor's going to Oklahoma to live with her mom. (Good for her btw)
Tim's more than likely going to Oklahoma too for college.

I know we'd all have to separate eventually, but...
I just wish we all had more time.

And, I wish I had a helping hand.
A sturdy rock.
And the mind games are getting to me.

Last Saturday, Tim and I were PMing.
Saying how we were bored and should hang out.
He told me "All you have to do is ask..."
This coming from mister "I don't wanna stay at home all day. T.T"
Btw readers, he only posts that on his journal.
Which I find a little hypocritical.
But whatever. I digress.

Anyway, school's been ok.
Dreading these last 13 days.
Then, that's pretty much it.

I don't want to leave.
And honestly, I feel that everyone wants me to.
That's why I've been hanging with Alex, Sienna, Jordan Banks, and Steven.
I figure the change of scenery will somewhat cushion the blow.
And I still have Thursday-Saturday to have a long AP English field Trip to Shreveport and Dallas.
Yay!

But, back to my troubles...
I'm really sick of this roller coaster ride.
It's getting kinda old.
I just want a straight-forward answer.
Can you deal with me or not?
Sometimes it feels like you can't stand me.
Sometimes it feels like you actually care.
And sometimes, you're confusing me.

Also, why am I always the one to extend invites?
Why don't you ever ask?
That's ALWAYS bugged me!

I also heard from Dominique that you wanted to talk to Clarence about the past the other day. WHILE I WAS OVER!
You KNOW I can't stand him!
But whatever. Your life, your dumbass mistakes.
I don't care.

But, if I ever. EVER. Hear about you talking to him again:
I'm walking out of your life for good.
And I mean it.

You may be the best friend I have ever had.
You may be the first person I've ever loved.
But if you want your heart and other people's hearts broken because YOU want to continue down a destructive path...
I won't be there to rescue you again.
If that makes me heartless then BRING ON THE DARKNESS!
Surely you must have some kind of deductive reasoning.
If A+B=C then C doesn't = D.
It's THAT simple.

Now that all my rage has been filtered,
I feel better.

To anyone that cares, or anyone who just wants to feel better about themselves:
Keep This.