Making An Angel Smile
Growing up as somewhat of an outcast or black sheep is never easy. There was one point in time, people where a little more accepting of everyone else and their quirks. As time progressed that seemed to change. Friends start to evaporate and he one person you have feelings for moves away. When we moved to California, the only feeling I recall, is feeling that sudden ping in my heart; the realization of being alone. No one knew me and I knew no one. All I had was my relatives while we stayed temporarily with my grandmother. At this time I was blind to the fact, someone in the family was dying; later I found out it was my mother.. Grandma had told me, “ your mother is very sick honey, we don’t know how long she’ll last”
My heart was caught in my throat. Couldn’t help but try to suppress the pain. I kept my smile on like I always have. She died the week before I started kindergarten from cancer. I never spoke to anyone in the family much about it, I had cried and hated myself for not even saying “goodbye” to my loving mother. Through the eyes of my class mates I was the odd kid, No parent’s, always smiling, with an effeminate personality to boot. Now I’d say being raised by a single mother would account for that, But at times I questioned myself. I constantly found myself crushing on other boys. This phenomenon had already commenced once , my best friend in Delaware, I can never remember his name for some reason, was the first male companion I had had, I was really drawn to him. Everything he liked I also liked, we where the closest of friends until him and his parents left the state. Now in elementary school, I found myself falling for my latest friend.
Lloyd was his name, He was the sweetest blond you ever met. He and I where inseparable. Now when we started hanging out at his home things started getting strange, his father was a drug abuser, his brother was a high school drop out, and his mother was a hard working woman who just seemed to have given up. His father frightened me with the constant hollering and reprimanding he gave my friend while I was right there, I believe I even once saw him hit his sons. Eventually I began to become quite the enthusiastic, making friends every chance I got, Politely greeting people who spoke to me with my famous,” hello, Evan john Deubert, at your service.” The students and teachers thought of me as funny and strange due to such actions.
Now I had begun to feel like I was fitting in. Oh how terribly wrong I was! By the time I made it to 4th and 5th grade people began to use me as a scapegoat in order to get out of trouble with the teachers. Abuse, that’s what I call it now, not only had they done that but 3 friends I had made: Richard, Drew, and Sam. They where not the best example of what one would call “good friends”, Every recess, I had slowly over the months become their human punching bag. When they where angry I suffered, When they felt like it I suffered, and when they felt I deserved it I suffered.
There was one guy, a 6th grader whom had taken a liking to me, and somewhat became my protector for his years there. He would always say “ anyone messes with you, come get me.” Never once did I ask for his help, somewhere in my mind I thought this was divine punishment, I don’t know what for, but that’s what I believed. I Began to hang out with the 6th grader, Latter came to know him by his name, Frank. Though skinny he was a strong guy, even a playful punch from him could hurt. Frank was always telling me I needed to stand up for myself. What was a scrawny kid with no fighting experience, or will to fight to do? I refused to fight, Instead I practiced passive resistance. One could fight me, but it was one sided, I would take every punch and just take it, never once hitting back. The thing I guess that may have egged many of my bully’s on was the fact on occasion, I would sit there laughing or smiling as they went, like they could do nothing to hurt me; I believed that was true.
Frank never found out about those incidents, and the ones he witnessed he hates himself for not intervening. The guy has always been a Teddy Bear, Protective and strong, but fun and cuddly. I had and still have the biggest crush on him. He knows it, I told him so a month ago. Sometimes he asks me why I’m always smiling and laughing . The answer he always gets is “ I’m not truly doing either, its my mask of protection, when one seems happy and care free with a constant smile, Nothing and no one can hurt you.” A lie I realize I was telling myself, nothing could prevent the pain one gets in their heart. Frank always gets mad when I mention wearing my mental mask, though he and I aren’t a couple( not to mention him being straight), He tells me he wishes I would at least smile for real every now and then.
Ironically, That smile exists, I never tell him through. Being his friend is what makes me happy. Him and all our friends at school , they make me really smile. Because my simple smile apparently brings a radiant light to their lives. They tell me I have an aura about me, when I’m near, they can’t help but be happy. Even when their in a bad mood or depressed it works. In elementary I always believed I would never mean much, I’d be some artist sitting at home with his pictures and cats. Today I can see that wasn’t what my future foretold. If I could bring joy to their lives I held purpose. Over the span of 3 to 4 years in high school my mask began to melt. Now I’ve begun to smile a genuine smile.
Its hard for me not to be happy. Not with friends like Frank and all the other friends I’ve made since freshman year. They all bring joy to my life as do I to theirs. If I could change anything. I wouldn’t, friends like them, are the genuine article. People can come into your life and leave, but Friends like these, are forever. I predict in the future when we’re all in our twenties Me, Frank, Lacee, Larah, Crystal, Katie, Amy, Natalie, Angie, and Melissa; we’ll all still be great friends. Frank for sure, to my knowledge he has no intention of abandoning or loosing any of his friends. Part of his determination for that goal, is why I foresee this future, because so much of me, came from what I learned from him. I could not be happier having had such a loving mother and having such awesome friends. I hope that allot of other people can know this joy and I’m sure they will.
Growing up as somewhat of an outcast or black sheep is never easy. There was one point in time, people where a little more accepting of everyone else and their quirks. As time progressed that seemed to change. Friends start to evaporate and he one person you have feelings for moves away. When we moved to California, the only feeling I recall, is feeling that sudden ping in my heart; the realization of being alone. No one knew me and I knew no one. All I had was my relatives while we stayed temporarily with my grandmother. At this time I was blind to the fact, someone in the family was dying; later I found out it was my mother.. Grandma had told me, “ your mother is very sick honey, we don’t know how long she’ll last”
My heart was caught in my throat. Couldn’t help but try to suppress the pain. I kept my smile on like I always have. She died the week before I started kindergarten from cancer. I never spoke to anyone in the family much about it, I had cried and hated myself for not even saying “goodbye” to my loving mother. Through the eyes of my class mates I was the odd kid, No parent’s, always smiling, with an effeminate personality to boot. Now I’d say being raised by a single mother would account for that, But at times I questioned myself. I constantly found myself crushing on other boys. This phenomenon had already commenced once , my best friend in Delaware, I can never remember his name for some reason, was the first male companion I had had, I was really drawn to him. Everything he liked I also liked, we where the closest of friends until him and his parents left the state. Now in elementary school, I found myself falling for my latest friend.
Lloyd was his name, He was the sweetest blond you ever met. He and I where inseparable. Now when we started hanging out at his home things started getting strange, his father was a drug abuser, his brother was a high school drop out, and his mother was a hard working woman who just seemed to have given up. His father frightened me with the constant hollering and reprimanding he gave my friend while I was right there, I believe I even once saw him hit his sons. Eventually I began to become quite the enthusiastic, making friends every chance I got, Politely greeting people who spoke to me with my famous,” hello, Evan john Deubert, at your service.” The students and teachers thought of me as funny and strange due to such actions.
Now I had begun to feel like I was fitting in. Oh how terribly wrong I was! By the time I made it to 4th and 5th grade people began to use me as a scapegoat in order to get out of trouble with the teachers. Abuse, that’s what I call it now, not only had they done that but 3 friends I had made: Richard, Drew, and Sam. They where not the best example of what one would call “good friends”, Every recess, I had slowly over the months become their human punching bag. When they where angry I suffered, When they felt like it I suffered, and when they felt I deserved it I suffered.
There was one guy, a 6th grader whom had taken a liking to me, and somewhat became my protector for his years there. He would always say “ anyone messes with you, come get me.” Never once did I ask for his help, somewhere in my mind I thought this was divine punishment, I don’t know what for, but that’s what I believed. I Began to hang out with the 6th grader, Latter came to know him by his name, Frank. Though skinny he was a strong guy, even a playful punch from him could hurt. Frank was always telling me I needed to stand up for myself. What was a scrawny kid with no fighting experience, or will to fight to do? I refused to fight, Instead I practiced passive resistance. One could fight me, but it was one sided, I would take every punch and just take it, never once hitting back. The thing I guess that may have egged many of my bully’s on was the fact on occasion, I would sit there laughing or smiling as they went, like they could do nothing to hurt me; I believed that was true.
Frank never found out about those incidents, and the ones he witnessed he hates himself for not intervening. The guy has always been a Teddy Bear, Protective and strong, but fun and cuddly. I had and still have the biggest crush on him. He knows it, I told him so a month ago. Sometimes he asks me why I’m always smiling and laughing . The answer he always gets is “ I’m not truly doing either, its my mask of protection, when one seems happy and care free with a constant smile, Nothing and no one can hurt you.” A lie I realize I was telling myself, nothing could prevent the pain one gets in their heart. Frank always gets mad when I mention wearing my mental mask, though he and I aren’t a couple( not to mention him being straight), He tells me he wishes I would at least smile for real every now and then.
Ironically, That smile exists, I never tell him through. Being his friend is what makes me happy. Him and all our friends at school , they make me really smile. Because my simple smile apparently brings a radiant light to their lives. They tell me I have an aura about me, when I’m near, they can’t help but be happy. Even when their in a bad mood or depressed it works. In elementary I always believed I would never mean much, I’d be some artist sitting at home with his pictures and cats. Today I can see that wasn’t what my future foretold. If I could bring joy to their lives I held purpose. Over the span of 3 to 4 years in high school my mask began to melt. Now I’ve begun to smile a genuine smile.
Its hard for me not to be happy. Not with friends like Frank and all the other friends I’ve made since freshman year. They all bring joy to my life as do I to theirs. If I could change anything. I wouldn’t, friends like them, are the genuine article. People can come into your life and leave, but Friends like these, are forever. I predict in the future when we’re all in our twenties Me, Frank, Lacee, Larah, Crystal, Katie, Amy, Natalie, Angie, and Melissa; we’ll all still be great friends. Frank for sure, to my knowledge he has no intention of abandoning or loosing any of his friends. Part of his determination for that goal, is why I foresee this future, because so much of me, came from what I learned from him. I could not be happier having had such a loving mother and having such awesome friends. I hope that allot of other people can know this joy and I’m sure they will.
