Guess I havent written in here in years. I guess I feel the need too. Things have been, pretty sad I guess. At least that is how I feel. Very lonely, besides the baby in my tummy who keeps my company.
I always felt pregnancy was something you were suppose to share with someone. Someone you loved. The baby shower, the fake contractions, the birthing classes, Labor, all done with someone, like a spouse. All of that, will be done with my mother. Not that I don't love my mother for doing it, I just feel it should have been an emotional bond between me and a man. Jon was nothing but horrible during my pregnancy, he annoys me, he is ignorant, immature, mean, selfish, the list could go on. But apart of me does not want to let go. I would rather hurt and be miserable then to feel the empty hole I feel now after he's told me he will not be apart of Luna's life. A baby is something I feel I should share with someone, and maybe I will in due time. But I guess I wanted him to be the old Jon, and not the one who made my pregnancy an emotional roller coaster ride. His mom and his friends told him things like "It's not your baby, she's a slut, she is using you, she is having sex with other men, the baby is going to die" And I'm mad at him for it. I should be, because he is the one who listened to them. I guess I gave up fighting on the rumors they gave him. I feel bad, I know his mom is not something he can confide in and trust, like mothers should be, and I know he is as lonely as I am. I hurts knowing I cannot be there for him to make him less lonely. But I just feel nothing towards him now but guilt. He did try to make it up to me. He took me on a trip for valentines day and rubbed me when I needed it. But I always felt he used it against me. Told me I never did things for him. I tried to get over Ashley, but never could. In a way I want him to feel what I felt every time he hung out with her after he slept with her. But in another way, I want to comfort him and prevent him from those feelings. I got pregnant on accident, I was stupid, I made a mistake and I wish sometimes I could take it back and do it all over again. But I cant. Except to get over this feeling of guilt and regret. I would like to find someone who isnt like Jake, Or Jon or Justin. Maybe I need to stop being with people who's names start with J's.
Maybe in time I'll learn to forgive people and be a push over. For now, I'm not. I'd write more, but my back hurts and I am tired.