Lunar ~
Impossible Dream Avi
Total Value: 33,331,782 Gold
[Item Information]
Item List:
Ancient Katana
Wind Turbine
Angelic Pendant
Fremere's Guard
Gogh Reed 4th Gen.
Compass of Seidh 3rd Gen
Blue Dragon Silk Pants
Cerynitian's Blessing
Ballad Punk
Aoi Tribe
Limit Breaker
Impossible Dream Avi
Total Value: 33,331,782 Gold
[Item Information]
Item List:
Ancient Katana
Wind Turbine
Angelic Pendant
Fremere's Guard
Gogh Reed 4th Gen.
Compass of Seidh 3rd Gen
Blue Dragon Silk Pants
Cerynitian's Blessing
Ballad Punk
Aoi Tribe
Limit Breaker
9.27 ~ Got unexpected help from a friend. I have a week or two to consider their offer and of course accepting apology.
9.29 ~ Ash woke me up for some little "remember when" convo. Not sure what this is even about. I'll hear from her on the 23rd. Just know it. That day is going to suuuuck.
10.8 ~ Side pain is back, friend red's music is calming and helping me not think about this pain or the small stresses building.
10.15 ~ Adio officially quit, some of us are here, some of us claim we wouldn't be here as much. But that's not true, it was at some point. Definitely isn't true now.
10.21 ~ This may've been the worst monthly anniversary yet. I thought someone was going to bed early and taking care of themselves since they've been having headaches/not feeling well. But no, I feel they'll bend over backwards for somebody. But when I ask or try to keep them awake I get short and sometimes cold seeming replies, among other stuff. I've been upset the whole day and it feels like they didn't even get it. I reached out for help from somebody who may know(s) what I was going through, but wasn't gonna tell me the same line over and over.
10.23 ~ I'm not proud of today, but I couldn't be happier to the three people who randomly dealt with me.
11.3 ~ Just try to be helpful. Nothing else.
11.12 ~ I'm over-thinking some things. Luckily I over-think my stupid decisions before I act on some.
11.14 ~ Heard from an old friend yesterday, they're checking up on me.
I was also told something interesting about a person I'm uneasy around, so I'll just wait and see if it really happens.
I couldn't ask to be left alone today. Like I thought would happen. Doesn't matter that monster forgets on her bday anyways.
11.16 ~ Three people could benefit from this choice. After the damage is done. Will probably edit this one.
12.18, 12.19, 12.20 ~ She's away from the internet, I get to try and show her so much love in hopes she doesn't miss the internet, not the people, not the events, not the games.
I'll get to call her each night just to say goodnight. Maybe we'll sleep great and be more social too. So far it's been really nice, she's a lot more attentive and we're talking more. I've been so happy not having to stress certain things. I don't know how she feels but I hope she isn't missing the net.
12.21 ~ She woke me up (not upset about that, ever) but she sent me back to bed, sorta telling me she'd sleep too. I woke up and saw she didn't and that she was online so my guess was she was online with somebody else. It hurt. I couldn't talk to her. I didn't know what to think. I wanna tell her those three days she had no net was probably the happiest I've been in awhile, I'm happy normally. Just that internet-less experience with HER was something else.
12.24 ~ We finally talked today, I don't know how serious she is but she noticed that I was happier when she was away from the net. So after christmas she might be online a little less. I want this to work too. I'm really impressed with her idea here, but in the past.. It's not right to compare a present person to a bad experience that should be left in the past.
I mean this nicely.. I really do. But she's a whole lot more interesting without the internet, when she seems like she's being herself (that's quoting an earlier conversation we had about changes)
12.25 ~ Our first Christmas together. Really had a nice day. We opened the gifts we sent each other and it was an amazing day. I hope there'll be many more christmas' spent together.
(lol more of these little entries in december than I thought.)
2.19.2013 ~ Wont pick sides, I need to handle things a lot better and stop leaning on others.
2.21.2013 ~ A year from today, I asked out Lace ^^ still with her too.
2.22.2013 ~ An old friend is back, still playing their games making me ask questions trying to figure out their meaning. I handled it pretty well considering they woke me up around 5am.. Another lovely comment on how I used to be. Kinda questioning why they've let this much time go by without a word to me, then suddenly they contact me for fun? xD
3.14.2013 ~ I was unable to talk to people for two days, up until today. One friend was a complete d**k. But talked to Lacey, feel a bit better just by that. Still dealing with my problem, couldn't manage to talk about it either.
4.10.2013 ~ Made some awesome cookies, got my morning text to my special someone, ignored (lol, shoes on the other foot this time, yeah? xD). All I am is angry & confused right now. Since they're online, so it's not like they slept through my text. But hey, cookies!! heart
My deal here is:
a) They said "whoever's up first texts?" I followed that. Still got ignored.
b) They're online, probably will stay online. Ignoring their own little rule that they set up, erm... almost a month ago.
c) If you're gonna say I can't take the silence anymore, then go around and do it back to somebody. Pretty sure that makes them a hypocrite.
6.8.2013 ~ Trying to ease up on the dramatics, but today I found out somebody has had another person's number for over a year. It came up in a unrelated conversation. I'm glad they told me and all but if I knew this a whole lot sooner this would have been way different. I'm also getting tired of always having nothing but some bad news when I talk to this other amazing person, they've helped me hold up through a lot of things but I get worried with all my negativity it's gonna make them eventually cut their losses and walk away. That last part also relates to the girl I'm currently with too. If all I do is flip out, I know there's a point where enough is enough. See? I said "trying"
8.23.2013 ~ Week-ish of unexplained silence, they could be busy. Nothing negative to add here, heard some really nice updates from my friends and that makes these appearances all the more worth it. Lately I've wanted to get on call with her and show her my face. But I definitely don't wanna suggest it, worried and all. Probably might edit this part out..
9.6.13 ~ So after about two weeks of silence I heard from her. I gave her eight days to tell me on her own what had her distance herself or what was wrong during that time. But nothing, I even expressed something was on my mind and got a generic answer that didn't feel at all like what a couple should say or do. We keep hearing things about my Grandfather and not feeling at top health (as he put it) I need my gf more than ever, but with these stresses I'm becoming moody and I may say things I don't mean. So at the same time I'm nervous if she asks questions about how my grandpa is and whatever dumb thing that may or may not set me off..
Also on today, noticed our "friday only" rule has once again been broken, I guess getting on a mule account makes you exempt from this. What really sucks is it was 12am here on the 2nd of this month. So 3am my time, when normally we're asleep by then. Only makes me all the more paranoid and un-trusting of a person's actions. Especially when you yourself suggest the getting online less plan. I honestly thought this was something they did for themselves. I made a notepad thing for most of these posts, it's called "online day" xD so I post my thoughts in there and that's how this thing works out.
9.9.13 ~ Break up. I had a dream before this all happened earlier today, but I ended it instead and asked to be friends. So it went reverse. Thought that'd be an odd addition to this day.
This week has been a bit stressful, Aunt Freaking out Saturday cause she couldn't reach my Uncle. Grandpa having a health scare. (So stepdad was stressed up until he went to visit and help his parents anyway he could.)
I'm still trying to make sense of it all. But part of me feels it could be because she couldn't stay away from somebody else or maybe the pixels. Then the feeling that all we've done lately is had silences. There's too many negative thoughts and not enough positive! xD but that's because I don't feel any positives from this yet. It's not like I can shut off how I felt the instant things end.
Also noticed I'm also no longer friends with her mom on here. That sucks too but I'm glad for the time I had talking with her as well. Betting Lacey may be online a bit more often now. I'll sorta take that as our "cutting back on internet use" as something she didn't do for herself, but for me. I honestly didn't want to be a control freak. I got jealous, I got scared, I know I didn't act right all the time. But I didn't want her to turn into somebody whose best part of the day was being online. I never claimed to be perfect. So on this note, when I heard she's gonna be working, that she's looked into school I was really happy. She's gonna have a possibly busy life outside the internet. Which is a helluva lot better than a few friends I've known.
I'm wondering what's next for me, and how I can better myself through this.
If not for a few people. (Who know who they are, I hope) I'd have handled this like I used to handle things..
9.10.13 ~ Friend had a job interview today so they stayed up all night with me and texted up until noon. So I pulled an all nighter, not really by choice. I just couldn't sleep, that side pain is back.
I know it's only been about a day. An emotional one at that. But it sucks, may take getting used to. Cooked one hell of a spicy soup today though, got online but really felt like nothing to do. &:3
9.13 - 9.27 ~ I get how the first few days are tough. That week threw quite a bit at me besides the break up. Stuff suddenly changed. From hearing from a person from wake to sleep. (Getting those heartfelt-smile-inducing "good morning" messages from a special someone when I wake up. Getting to call/or say goodnight to them.) Plenty of mixed thoughts came with that. I hardly text first, just because I dont know on timing and don't like waking people, unless I have to. I'm lucky I didn't keep this to myself and friends I can count on checked on me time to time. Never will be used to getting my hopes up for a future that may or may not happen. But definitely know how to appreciate what I had than mourn what is no more. Now I need to think of new plans for something I had thought up during a particular month. I wont cling to online friends like crazy, but I definitely have been in a lot better mood, thanks to some.
Gonna be a quiet weekend, Grandpa may call, since sometime around 10 today he has to get surgery on his recently ..installed pacemaker x.x (sounds odd phrasing it like that) But if it's one thing I can say is he's in good hands.
9.28.13 ~ Anonymous gifter, she and I aren't talking currently. Leave me out of your drama. If you think so. I think you're just butthurt you have to share your friends with her now. It'd be easier to just message me. But thanks for the scarf xD I really do like it.
9.29.13 ~ Two other gifts when I woke up, y'know.. If you're her friend this is pretty low. Hope you get tired of doing this before I get tired of reading them. I sold the skin. But you called it, even if I knew. Hanging out on there wouldn't be easy and since I'm being ignored, I'm not even giving this much thought for now. Trying to just forgive and move on. xD you're really not helping.
Friend called me greedy for not texting her a pic of my face. xD they cheer me up but at the same time, out of my comfort zone. They stopped talking after that.
10.1.13 ~ I have my friends to thank for me getting through certain things. But some of them lately.. I'm having trouble misinterpreting things they say. No matter how blunt they are, I just don't want to let them down and am not ready for that attention. I'm being careful but still. Also trying to be there for my other friends even more, I'm loving that to be honest. It's really nice.
10.10.13 ~ Been talking to a friend that kinda distanced themself from me when I was taken. So there was a bit of catching up. Pretty happy to hear from them again. There's some other stuff, but it seems not my place to just put it out there. Or however I word it, doesn't sound nice xD
10.11.13 ~ Saw another gift a day late. Same person? You're an angry one, aren't ya? That person is your problem, hope you give that a rest or move on too. It's not worth the frustration, even if you brought up a few things I agree with.. Dx wonder if those little surprises would keep up if I changed some settings &:3
More on topic, lots of b-days this month. One is excited (they kinda have been in touch a lot more lately), another is sorta not seeming enthusiastic at all. (they avoid the question) One bday has already passed and it was nice ^^
11.5.13 ~ I have one person lately who's been giving me too much attention. I kinda knew what to expect from them, but even three years later they're still the same person. Obsessed with a game. Too tough on themselves, rude about the people around them, prone to injury (they dislocated their knee. That raises questions and sounds really painful). They decided to stop talking to me back then, so whatever revived their interest in me is a mystery. They sorta seem to have forgotten stuff I told them. Just more proof I just give people too many chances. (Sometimes.)
They're making me uncomfortable, but I have to be careful. They seem pretty fragile. If something ever happened and I had some change of heart it would basically be an ugly shorter version of the last relationship. Since I would prefer somebody who understands where I'm coming from on things and doesn't just nod their head when I say something, this seems like a bad idea.
Way too soon to be thinking about this stuff, but still. I'm not gonna jump into something that recently ended. The only difference is I'd be the one to end this one instead of trying to fix or work it out.
11.13.13 ~ With the help of an amazing friend, I showed them something I may've come across. I don't even want to give a hint at it, but lately it might explain a lot of things. It's still constantly on my mind. I may've been lied to a whole lot worse than I already thought I was. Again, wont explain.
11.14.13 ~ It's a person's bday, this person I would love to forget but can't. Unlike last year I avoided going online today except to check a forum I help with once and kept myself signed into a messenger for one-two select people.
11.18.13 ~ Sorta distancing myself from a few people, the person who was too attentive to me is off my back and refusing to explain whatever they're going through (seems like a theme) The few people I wish talked with me more aren't always as responsive. Taking hours to reply to a text/message etc.
Maybe I should start up a topic and bump it every hour trying to get people to talk to me, lol. Not happening, I'm happy with most of the people I got for friends already. Or I'm not that obsessed with making friends online like that.
11.21.13 ~ Got online pf today, wanted to catch up with two other friends. Got ignored by the person who I joined that time waster of a site (who was online), so yeah. Pretty depressing to find out a year and a half together doesn't even amount to friend's catching up. Had another reminder of her today, saw "Mamma Mia!" was on. It's one of her favorite movies, it's something we even watched together. Didn't watch it but still, a reminder of how happy we used to be, and here we are now. //overly whiney rant.
12.13.13 ~ Gasp! Friday the 13th. Deserves some kind of mention with people making some kind of big deal out of it. Messaged one buddy all day and had a lot of fun talking with them a majority of the day.
12.15.13 ~ Some people over, tried an odd dinner. Something one person called buffalo chicken lasagna. Instead of sausage it was shredded chicken. Instead of ricotta it was blue cheese. Saw this cow thing earlier, couldn't stop laughing. Other than that, today I've been in a great mood.
12.19.13 ~ Watched 101 Dalmations with Meranda. Was a really nice night. Something else with another friend. Getting the feeling I'll regret rejecting their offer.
12.20.13 ~ Red buddy wants to talk one day, people are being vague about stuff lately. Kinda weird, but that's two buddies this month I know one day a phone call shall happen 3nodding long as they don't feel the need to obviously state: "awkward silence" everytime a silence occurs, it should be fun. Got a few buddies that say that, half the time that awkward silence is me wondering if they're done talking or not, don't wanna cut them off.
12.26.13 ~ Called it pretty well, I ended up feeling regret from rejecting that friend's offer but oh well, nothing I won't sort out with this buddy whenever they cool down from whatever the source of anger is.
On a real odd note, I want to get this off my chest. I replied to her last text, guess that's another they conveniently "didn't get". I've made no attempt to contact them since then, nothing at all. It was me keeping my distance. Yet I'm ignored by a few alts/mules. I didn't deserve this and don't flatter yourself. This is so childish, there's gotta be a rational side of you that knows it too. If I ended things back then I'd have at least tried being your friend still, but with you crying and me still in love I wanted to try and make it work. So right now it shows you clearly meant more to me, and whatever happened to you I hope you're back to normal one day.
9.29 ~ Ash woke me up for some little "remember when" convo. Not sure what this is even about. I'll hear from her on the 23rd. Just know it. That day is going to suuuuck.
10.8 ~ Side pain is back, friend red's music is calming and helping me not think about this pain or the small stresses building.
10.15 ~ Adio officially quit, some of us are here, some of us claim we wouldn't be here as much. But that's not true, it was at some point. Definitely isn't true now.
10.21 ~ This may've been the worst monthly anniversary yet. I thought someone was going to bed early and taking care of themselves since they've been having headaches/not feeling well. But no, I feel they'll bend over backwards for somebody. But when I ask or try to keep them awake I get short and sometimes cold seeming replies, among other stuff. I've been upset the whole day and it feels like they didn't even get it. I reached out for help from somebody who may know(s) what I was going through, but wasn't gonna tell me the same line over and over.
10.23 ~ I'm not proud of today, but I couldn't be happier to the three people who randomly dealt with me.
11.3 ~ Just try to be helpful. Nothing else.
11.12 ~ I'm over-thinking some things. Luckily I over-think my stupid decisions before I act on some.
11.14 ~ Heard from an old friend yesterday, they're checking up on me.
I was also told something interesting about a person I'm uneasy around, so I'll just wait and see if it really happens.
I couldn't ask to be left alone today. Like I thought would happen. Doesn't matter that monster forgets on her bday anyways.
11.16 ~ Three people could benefit from this choice. After the damage is done. Will probably edit this one.
12.18, 12.19, 12.20 ~ She's away from the internet, I get to try and show her so much love in hopes she doesn't miss the internet, not the people, not the events, not the games.
I'll get to call her each night just to say goodnight. Maybe we'll sleep great and be more social too. So far it's been really nice, she's a lot more attentive and we're talking more. I've been so happy not having to stress certain things. I don't know how she feels but I hope she isn't missing the net.
12.21 ~ She woke me up (not upset about that, ever) but she sent me back to bed, sorta telling me she'd sleep too. I woke up and saw she didn't and that she was online so my guess was she was online with somebody else. It hurt. I couldn't talk to her. I didn't know what to think. I wanna tell her those three days she had no net was probably the happiest I've been in awhile, I'm happy normally. Just that internet-less experience with HER was something else.
12.24 ~ We finally talked today, I don't know how serious she is but she noticed that I was happier when she was away from the net. So after christmas she might be online a little less. I want this to work too. I'm really impressed with her idea here, but in the past.. It's not right to compare a present person to a bad experience that should be left in the past.
I mean this nicely.. I really do. But she's a whole lot more interesting without the internet, when she seems like she's being herself (that's quoting an earlier conversation we had about changes)
12.25 ~ Our first Christmas together. Really had a nice day. We opened the gifts we sent each other and it was an amazing day. I hope there'll be many more christmas' spent together.
(lol more of these little entries in december than I thought.)
2.19.2013 ~ Wont pick sides, I need to handle things a lot better and stop leaning on others.
2.21.2013 ~ A year from today, I asked out Lace ^^ still with her too.
2.22.2013 ~ An old friend is back, still playing their games making me ask questions trying to figure out their meaning. I handled it pretty well considering they woke me up around 5am.. Another lovely comment on how I used to be. Kinda questioning why they've let this much time go by without a word to me, then suddenly they contact me for fun? xD
3.14.2013 ~ I was unable to talk to people for two days, up until today. One friend was a complete d**k. But talked to Lacey, feel a bit better just by that. Still dealing with my problem, couldn't manage to talk about it either.
4.10.2013 ~ Made some awesome cookies, got my morning text to my special someone, ignored (lol, shoes on the other foot this time, yeah? xD). All I am is angry & confused right now. Since they're online, so it's not like they slept through my text. But hey, cookies!! heart
My deal here is:
a) They said "whoever's up first texts?" I followed that. Still got ignored.
b) They're online, probably will stay online. Ignoring their own little rule that they set up, erm... almost a month ago.
c) If you're gonna say I can't take the silence anymore, then go around and do it back to somebody. Pretty sure that makes them a hypocrite.
6.8.2013 ~ Trying to ease up on the dramatics, but today I found out somebody has had another person's number for over a year. It came up in a unrelated conversation. I'm glad they told me and all but if I knew this a whole lot sooner this would have been way different. I'm also getting tired of always having nothing but some bad news when I talk to this other amazing person, they've helped me hold up through a lot of things but I get worried with all my negativity it's gonna make them eventually cut their losses and walk away. That last part also relates to the girl I'm currently with too. If all I do is flip out, I know there's a point where enough is enough. See? I said "trying"
8.23.2013 ~ Week-ish of unexplained silence, they could be busy. Nothing negative to add here, heard some really nice updates from my friends and that makes these appearances all the more worth it. Lately I've wanted to get on call with her and show her my face. But I definitely don't wanna suggest it, worried and all. Probably might edit this part out..
9.6.13 ~ So after about two weeks of silence I heard from her. I gave her eight days to tell me on her own what had her distance herself or what was wrong during that time. But nothing, I even expressed something was on my mind and got a generic answer that didn't feel at all like what a couple should say or do. We keep hearing things about my Grandfather and not feeling at top health (as he put it) I need my gf more than ever, but with these stresses I'm becoming moody and I may say things I don't mean. So at the same time I'm nervous if she asks questions about how my grandpa is and whatever dumb thing that may or may not set me off..
Also on today, noticed our "friday only" rule has once again been broken, I guess getting on a mule account makes you exempt from this. What really sucks is it was 12am here on the 2nd of this month. So 3am my time, when normally we're asleep by then. Only makes me all the more paranoid and un-trusting of a person's actions. Especially when you yourself suggest the getting online less plan. I honestly thought this was something they did for themselves. I made a notepad thing for most of these posts, it's called "online day" xD so I post my thoughts in there and that's how this thing works out.
9.9.13 ~ Break up. I had a dream before this all happened earlier today, but I ended it instead and asked to be friends. So it went reverse. Thought that'd be an odd addition to this day.
This week has been a bit stressful, Aunt Freaking out Saturday cause she couldn't reach my Uncle. Grandpa having a health scare. (So stepdad was stressed up until he went to visit and help his parents anyway he could.)
I'm still trying to make sense of it all. But part of me feels it could be because she couldn't stay away from somebody else or maybe the pixels. Then the feeling that all we've done lately is had silences. There's too many negative thoughts and not enough positive! xD but that's because I don't feel any positives from this yet. It's not like I can shut off how I felt the instant things end.
Also noticed I'm also no longer friends with her mom on here. That sucks too but I'm glad for the time I had talking with her as well. Betting Lacey may be online a bit more often now. I'll sorta take that as our "cutting back on internet use" as something she didn't do for herself, but for me. I honestly didn't want to be a control freak. I got jealous, I got scared, I know I didn't act right all the time. But I didn't want her to turn into somebody whose best part of the day was being online. I never claimed to be perfect. So on this note, when I heard she's gonna be working, that she's looked into school I was really happy. She's gonna have a possibly busy life outside the internet. Which is a helluva lot better than a few friends I've known.
I'm wondering what's next for me, and how I can better myself through this.
If not for a few people. (Who know who they are, I hope) I'd have handled this like I used to handle things..
9.10.13 ~ Friend had a job interview today so they stayed up all night with me and texted up until noon. So I pulled an all nighter, not really by choice. I just couldn't sleep, that side pain is back.
I know it's only been about a day. An emotional one at that. But it sucks, may take getting used to. Cooked one hell of a spicy soup today though, got online but really felt like nothing to do. &:3
9.13 - 9.27 ~ I get how the first few days are tough. That week threw quite a bit at me besides the break up. Stuff suddenly changed. From hearing from a person from wake to sleep. (Getting those heartfelt-smile-inducing "good morning" messages from a special someone when I wake up. Getting to call/or say goodnight to them.) Plenty of mixed thoughts came with that. I hardly text first, just because I dont know on timing and don't like waking people, unless I have to. I'm lucky I didn't keep this to myself and friends I can count on checked on me time to time. Never will be used to getting my hopes up for a future that may or may not happen. But definitely know how to appreciate what I had than mourn what is no more. Now I need to think of new plans for something I had thought up during a particular month. I wont cling to online friends like crazy, but I definitely have been in a lot better mood, thanks to some.
Gonna be a quiet weekend, Grandpa may call, since sometime around 10 today he has to get surgery on his recently ..installed pacemaker x.x (sounds odd phrasing it like that) But if it's one thing I can say is he's in good hands.
9.28.13 ~ Anonymous gifter, she and I aren't talking currently. Leave me out of your drama. If you think so. I think you're just butthurt you have to share your friends with her now. It'd be easier to just message me. But thanks for the scarf xD I really do like it.
9.29.13 ~ Two other gifts when I woke up, y'know.. If you're her friend this is pretty low. Hope you get tired of doing this before I get tired of reading them. I sold the skin. But you called it, even if I knew. Hanging out on there wouldn't be easy and since I'm being ignored, I'm not even giving this much thought for now. Trying to just forgive and move on. xD you're really not helping.
Friend called me greedy for not texting her a pic of my face. xD they cheer me up but at the same time, out of my comfort zone. They stopped talking after that.
10.1.13 ~ I have my friends to thank for me getting through certain things. But some of them lately.. I'm having trouble misinterpreting things they say. No matter how blunt they are, I just don't want to let them down and am not ready for that attention. I'm being careful but still. Also trying to be there for my other friends even more, I'm loving that to be honest. It's really nice.
10.10.13 ~ Been talking to a friend that kinda distanced themself from me when I was taken. So there was a bit of catching up. Pretty happy to hear from them again. There's some other stuff, but it seems not my place to just put it out there. Or however I word it, doesn't sound nice xD
10.11.13 ~ Saw another gift a day late. Same person? You're an angry one, aren't ya? That person is your problem, hope you give that a rest or move on too. It's not worth the frustration, even if you brought up a few things I agree with.. Dx wonder if those little surprises would keep up if I changed some settings &:3
More on topic, lots of b-days this month. One is excited (they kinda have been in touch a lot more lately), another is sorta not seeming enthusiastic at all. (they avoid the question) One bday has already passed and it was nice ^^
11.5.13 ~ I have one person lately who's been giving me too much attention. I kinda knew what to expect from them, but even three years later they're still the same person. Obsessed with a game. Too tough on themselves, rude about the people around them, prone to injury (they dislocated their knee. That raises questions and sounds really painful). They decided to stop talking to me back then, so whatever revived their interest in me is a mystery. They sorta seem to have forgotten stuff I told them. Just more proof I just give people too many chances. (Sometimes.)
They're making me uncomfortable, but I have to be careful. They seem pretty fragile. If something ever happened and I had some change of heart it would basically be an ugly shorter version of the last relationship. Since I would prefer somebody who understands where I'm coming from on things and doesn't just nod their head when I say something, this seems like a bad idea.
Way too soon to be thinking about this stuff, but still. I'm not gonna jump into something that recently ended. The only difference is I'd be the one to end this one instead of trying to fix or work it out.
11.13.13 ~ With the help of an amazing friend, I showed them something I may've come across. I don't even want to give a hint at it, but lately it might explain a lot of things. It's still constantly on my mind. I may've been lied to a whole lot worse than I already thought I was. Again, wont explain.
11.14.13 ~ It's a person's bday, this person I would love to forget but can't. Unlike last year I avoided going online today except to check a forum I help with once and kept myself signed into a messenger for one-two select people.
11.18.13 ~ Sorta distancing myself from a few people, the person who was too attentive to me is off my back and refusing to explain whatever they're going through (seems like a theme) The few people I wish talked with me more aren't always as responsive. Taking hours to reply to a text/message etc.
Maybe I should start up a topic and bump it every hour trying to get people to talk to me, lol. Not happening, I'm happy with most of the people I got for friends already. Or I'm not that obsessed with making friends online like that.
11.21.13 ~ Got online pf today, wanted to catch up with two other friends. Got ignored by the person who I joined that time waster of a site (who was online), so yeah. Pretty depressing to find out a year and a half together doesn't even amount to friend's catching up. Had another reminder of her today, saw "Mamma Mia!" was on. It's one of her favorite movies, it's something we even watched together. Didn't watch it but still, a reminder of how happy we used to be, and here we are now. //overly whiney rant.
12.13.13 ~ Gasp! Friday the 13th. Deserves some kind of mention with people making some kind of big deal out of it. Messaged one buddy all day and had a lot of fun talking with them a majority of the day.
12.15.13 ~ Some people over, tried an odd dinner. Something one person called buffalo chicken lasagna. Instead of sausage it was shredded chicken. Instead of ricotta it was blue cheese. Saw this cow thing earlier, couldn't stop laughing. Other than that, today I've been in a great mood.
12.19.13 ~ Watched 101 Dalmations with Meranda. Was a really nice night. Something else with another friend. Getting the feeling I'll regret rejecting their offer.
12.20.13 ~ Red buddy wants to talk one day, people are being vague about stuff lately. Kinda weird, but that's two buddies this month I know one day a phone call shall happen 3nodding long as they don't feel the need to obviously state: "awkward silence" everytime a silence occurs, it should be fun. Got a few buddies that say that, half the time that awkward silence is me wondering if they're done talking or not, don't wanna cut them off.
12.26.13 ~ Called it pretty well, I ended up feeling regret from rejecting that friend's offer but oh well, nothing I won't sort out with this buddy whenever they cool down from whatever the source of anger is.
On a real odd note, I want to get this off my chest. I replied to her last text, guess that's another they conveniently "didn't get". I've made no attempt to contact them since then, nothing at all. It was me keeping my distance. Yet I'm ignored by a few alts/mules. I didn't deserve this and don't flatter yourself. This is so childish, there's gotta be a rational side of you that knows it too. If I ended things back then I'd have at least tried being your friend still, but with you crying and me still in love I wanted to try and make it work. So right now it shows you clearly meant more to me, and whatever happened to you I hope you're back to normal one day.
2014
1.24.14 ~ It was today that meant a lot two years ago I heard my cousin passed away or was found. I sorta shut down, but lacey was there for me. I don't think I cried at first because I remember my cousin wouldn't have wanted me to cry like that. It still hurt, but most of the night it was me remembering the times shared with this important person in my life that I lost and texting my ex. It was this that brought me closer to her, and apparently however I handled this loss is when she fell for me back then. I wonder how long I'm going to remember what she did for me. But I do wonder about both these girls.
1.27.14 ~ This thing is so scattered and unorganized but I love it. xD Beat a game I got for Christmas and loved the hell out of it's story and the game itself. Bioshock Infinite. I didn't get this game when it came out because I think if you play one shooter you've played them all pretty much. Same can be said for other game types but I just lean towards fighter games myself. First non complaint journal post in while <3 xD
1.29.14 ~ Decided that next month I will be invisible. I'm not obligated to talk to anybody this year. No real drawback to this besides having to miss talking to certain people and I might set myself back on progress with talking more to some people I missed most, but I wont complain about things, wont stress anyone, including myself. Wont try and predict anything either. I just need this. Maybe even come back a better person. So I'm hoping nobody takes it personally. Pretty sure this may/could go unread, but I explained myself xD.
2.1.14 ~ Don't know how great of a start I am on this month of invisible or not involving myself in things unless asked. All I know is I'm online less than certain people as it is but the people I think may or may not need my help can reach me other ways.
2.2.14 ~ Watched the Super bowl with family. I haven't watched too many football games, let alone one without walking away or changing the channel. But this one I gave a chance. I know people rooting for each team. I was really wowed at the Seahawk's game. I had to laugh when it was over cause I know a certain Broncos fan probably put a hole through the wall at his team losing.
2.21.14 ~ Some people's reaction to their first time seeing snow. Just priceless! It hasn't even gone on long enough and yet I hope this friend's visit goes this well as long as it has.
3.11.14 ~ Getting creeped out by one person's attention. Waking up to texts from them. They just remind me of somebody I used to know and it's messing with my head. Also getting confused how one person went from talking to me so openly to them suddenly short replying me and hardly seeming interested in a phone call anymore.
4.1.14 ~ Spent today and the next day in a hospital. Not what I was expecting to wake up to at all. But glad these doctors acted accordingly. The one person I was hoping to hear from all through this (I've been talking to them on and off) didn't seem to notice, Idk what to go with here. I'd talk to them every day if I could, but it doesn't seem mutual at times. But when I don't hear from them, I worry.
4.21.14 ~ So this morning I woke up to something that sucks, a lot. I'm in the dark as to what this person is thinking. I know I'm not entirely to blame but they're dealing with a lot of changes on their "side of the world" but to make so many changes all at once, I wouldn't push a friend away like she's chosen to do.
I may've talked about this person before ..to a select few people. But they were one of the first people I met when I joined here. I've always talked to her, even when she quit gaia. (which, looking at what the site has turned into now. I'm happy for her, for more than one reason. One in particular is that she didn't stick around to meet some of the newer friends I've made here.) Pretty much I've always had a on and off crush towards her. I told her plenty of times even, of course when I wasn't involved in a relationship. It didn't change how we talked to each other or anything. Just like a very small amount of friends I have on here, I told her personal things, and stuff that I'm going through. Apparently the same thing with her too, as she'd tell me how she's told me things she couldn't tell anyone before. So it makes me really confused why this is her answer to whatever she's dealing with This is the part of her message I wanted to headbutt the wall for. (I'll add that she's overseas, if the messages seems off, at least she spells things correctly or doesn't "text talk" too much.)
I'm unable to reply to her message currently, because for once in the longest time I want to plead or beg with this person to stay in touch with me. To not leave. It's hurt more than a break up, I guess because I've been friends with this girl for longer than a year or two. (Known her for 6 years) but losing her is pretty painful. She's drawn me pictures, sent pictures of her/her surroundings, she's given me a soup recipe, she's introduced me to music she likes there and I've tried to do the same for her. I'd message this girl when it rained, her first comment to me was to "not forget me" and one of the last things in the message was how I apparently know her so well, answering questions she didn't ask but was wondering. But if I knew her so well, I'd probably have known the right thing to say to this ending. So even in our last message to each other I haven't figured out my reply just yet. There's things we say we'd do but didn't. I wanted to hear her accent, and send her something with my voice. I've drawn her plenty of pictures. I've sent her songs. I couldn't perfect the soup I was making in time to send her at this time.
I swear I'm never the one to walk away or try to end a relationship before it gets bad. I either try and they cry. Causing me to take them back or reconsider. But when they do it, no matter what happens, it happens cause I'm too forgiving. See the last break up I replied and wanted to stay in touch. Either my text didn't reach or it might've accidentally translated to "set me on ignore, despite what we had together and un-friend me". Which sucks, yeah but I'm trying to be happy for what I had, and for whatever is in the future. Unless it's a zombie outbreak / animals enslaving us future. Then to hell with that gonk
So this time.. even though it's a friendly break up or something I don't have a name for. It shouldn't be any different, I'm sure. Even though I'm hoping it'll be one of those things where we connect years later and she tells me how things have been treating her over there. I liked the fun facts she gave me about her country.
I gotta say, now after all that ended. The month of april and may had to have been the suckiest I've had in years. I replied eventually, sent her a quick voice file wishing her well, sent a song I wanted to share, and rushed the soup recipe that I've been taking time trying to perfect. Might turn out gross lol, but hey, I did what I said I'd do.
5.21.14 ~ Surgery. Wont go into it, but it sucked lol. Nothing compared to the previous ones though.
6.7.14 ~ Watched Pitch Perfect with a buddy 3nodding it was really fun and I hope to do this again with them sometime. We were both having a crappy day, so this helped me and it sounds like it helped them as well.
6.17.14 ~ I have a habit I do, that I find annoying. I save things. From links sent by friends / exes, old conversations are on that list, and things like this journal. Am I gonna go back and read this years later? Probably not. So I don't know what possessed me to do this last night but I went down waaay too many strolls down memory lane. I don't regret it, since it was kinda nice. Just the 'missing people who used to be there' part sucks. Also: Ugh, just hurry up and heal already D&
7.21.14 ~ Another surgery, person I tried reaching out to like last time didn't see my message or I've crossed a line, point is: I survived, without their sweet words. I need to quit getting it in my head I need somebody to help me through these things. It's nice but it shows little confidence in the man behind the scalpel xD
7.25.14 ~ So I actually spent 8 days at this place, they tried to give me antibiotics by iv for a few days before deciding to do surgery, since I wasn't healing. I tried reaching out to one friend for her company, since it's helped in the past. But couldn't really keep the conversation going or something, it's understandable. I had another friend I kept texting, but again with what I told whoever I told about this situation I was worrying them and myself. Not a fan of dragging people down with me, so I kinda tried keeping it to myself this time.
Also not a fan of:
-8 days of being woken up at 5:30am for labwork, a.k.a. blood being drawn
(I swear I got stuck more times than a junkie after a big paycheck)
-medicine you'd think would only help, but sorta helps at a cost.
-being bedridden and slightly dependent on others.
(sure they're trained professionals but they're strangers nonetheless)
-doctors who insist one moment something is urgent, then needs to re-evaluate the situation.
-doctors who half assed-ly listen to your concerns and cut you off when you make a valid point..
-alarms that went off that made me worry for the well being of others around me.
-creepy dreams and waking up in a odd room you're not familiar with lol.
It was a nightmare, I hope I don't have to go back any time soon. But I don't regret going on the off chance that things somehow improved through this experience. Even if they brought me back in, I know I'm in good hands. Just really was hell on my mind, nerves, and body. People kept complimenting the way I handled this, but what choice did I really have? You'd be an idiot to lash out at people only there to help. Some of them made the experience better than I'm letting on. From the cool three male nurses who treated me like a old friend, the annoying but comically hard to understand bubbly foreign female nurse, the cute blonde nurse who was like a guardian angel my last night there. I really hope they know what good they're doing in other people's lives.
8.11.14 ~ Day started out kinda crappy, no real reason just sore and such still. So being out of the house I worried that I could undo all the work I've been through lately and worried about finding myself back at the doctors. Lol yeah, gotten that paranoid. Fun feeling, really. Saw a movie and when a complete stranger told me that Robin Williams passed away today I wanted to say "bullshit, might wanna get your facts from anywhere else but the internet" but just let it go. On the way home ended up hearing it again and finally read the news for my self. It sucks, it really does. The world lost an amazing human being today, a comedy legend and it's almost hard to accept this. Heard from Kimmi today too ♥ short conversation but still, always nice to hear from her. Told her I was coping with this by watching "Mrs Doubtfire" turns out she and another friend had the same idea. She invited me on call but the weather lately, she'd just hear my loud a** fan and me on chat with a bunch of people I don't know too well? Not always the most talkative. So I had to decline, normally when she and I talk it's so much fun, so hopefully I didn't offend.
8.12.14 ~ Caught up with an old ex today, she and I can go so long without talking yet when we catch up it doesn't feel too awkward to me. Got to hear about her life, her new boyfriend, and her plans to move. Sounds like things will be pretty busy for her here soon and hopefully there'll be a bit more contact now and then. Might be mailing stuff with a certain someone, really psyched since the last time I sent stuff postally was in my last relationship. I don't know what to expect and I haven't decided yet, but this time I wont feel hesitation on sending this person stuff, I can't explain it, and I wont out of respect. But the last relationship I didn't want to send too many treats and seem like I was doing it other than the reason of "I just wanted to" again, it's really hard to explain. But I approached that with too much caution and that probably wasn't necessary.
8.13.14 ~ Some bandages came off today, looks like I'm healing but sorta too soon to tell. I lost sleep last night wondering how today would go. Still, it was vague and a tad bit of a let down. I just can't wait until I hear nothing but good news, and can resume some normality again.
9.27.14 ~ Watched 22 jump street twice in one day, once with family members, then online with a friend ♥ pretty fun night overall. The wounds seemed to have healed up good enough by now.
10.1.14 ~ Somewhere along the way I feel really close to somebody, that I cannot quit talking to them, that it sucks when I don't hear from them, that this is one person I can't wait to talk to on the phone again, that I'd give or try and do anything to see them happy.. But am so hesitant to tell them how I feel, why? Because of a few things. My last relationship starting out so amazing and taking a drop making me lose not only my lover but a friend I thought I'd always have, my changing mood(s) which played some part in each relationship so far. Then there's also the chance of rejection. I got what I want to say typed out, but when it comes to hitting the send button.. xD this fear is protecting/preventing me from doing so!
10.14.14 ~ Talking to an amazing friend on and off, but out of the blue just when I chalk us not talking (as much) lately, up to being busy on both our sides. I get a surprise call later this night, didn't ask her to do it, didn't have to ask her if she wanted me to call. I was really happy the rest of the night. Woke up in the middle of the night and saw pictures from them as well that were goofy and random. It's things like this can change my day sooo much for the better.
10.23.14 ~ It's been raining nonstop since 2pm yesterday. I love days like this. Noticed an old pattern about something from the past. As much as I want to forget it, I cannot help but wonder if it's a coincidence or part of that pattern's formula since I went through it then, heard about it happening before. This all ended up making me ask another person about this type of thing.
10.24.14 ~ Went to Albany today. Spent a majority of my day at the bookstore. Doesn't take much to make me happy 3nodding
11.1.14 ~ First day of snow here, R.I.P. Wayne Static. Read it was a drug overdose, that sucks a lot. I can think of one friend who is going to hate this news, they wont find out it for awhile being without a PC or internet for an amount of time. How many talented people will we lose this year?
11.7.14 ~ Found out zOMG! isn't coming back. With all the stuff that's gone on this year, the losses of celebrities/musicians, favorite games, lol the medical hellhole. This is adding up to being a pretty ugly year. Already looking forward to next year and hoping it'll be better. More snow at night too. Kinda nice to see the snow owo
11.14.14 ~ That person's birthday again. I used to go out of my way and text them happy birthday wishes. Now we hardly talk, they played such a huge part in my life when we first met, and plenty of years after. I fully trusted her and we just somehow grew apart. I know how it sounds, and can't stand when others say and do this, but I honestly feel I put forth more effort on trying to keep in touch. Eventually we just give up on trying only to get ignored or brushed off. Doesn't stop me from thinking of her and remembering how things used to be, but that was back then. Like a few of my other issues, I need to quit living in the past and let go of all this resentment and anger.
11.18.14 ~ Might just be random chance, but last night a special someone said something to me that I feel I really needed to hear. I didn't need to be calmed down or cheered up. So no anger or anything. This seemed unprovoked and their timing is just amazing. Later today I heard from one of my exes, really happy to hear she's still with the boyfriend she's been with a couple of years. She still has her nickname for me and sounds like she's been keeping busy lately. Last I remember she had a health issue, so first place I jumped to was she was overdoing things and not taking care of herself. She didn't really clear that up. All I know is I'll be hearing from her a bit more, right now her parents are in FL, and her boyfriend went to visit his family and friends in OH. So she's just there bored out of her mind.
12.5.14 ~ Got an odd message a few days ago from that person I'm missing a lot. This happened back in April. I remember the date even, April 21st we stopped talking due to a lot of changes. Not an argument, nothing bad. I posted their message it was just something that had to be done. Anyways, this message was gibberish and seems like they just caught a virus or something. I warned them about it breaking just nearly eight months of silence.
12.18.14 ~ I felt this deserved some kind of mention, I used to watch this show with friends, rarely on my own. Or it'd be background noise (kept the tv on, waiting for a show to come on. Or just plain out too lazy to change the channel sometimes lol.) But today was the last Colbert Report. I guess when I first started watching I couldn't stand the character he played at first. Took him too serious before I really knew this was a parody with the news with a humorous twist. The more I watched it with friends, the more some of them asked if I caught an episode (and if not, they recorded it. There was no escape lol, no matter how much of a fight I put up.) I eventually watched it on my own, grew to enjoy it more. Was truly sad to see the show end today. Even with the build up of the "Final week" Comedy Central was announcing. Onto something else getting confusing, I've been noticing with two different people it's like they stick to a specific number of messages per conversation. One person it's like I get two replies out of them then nothing, another person.. Their replies seem spaced out unless I bring up a favorite topic. Otherwise it's been three days of spaced out texts talking about how much a jerk this guy she liked was and how he gave her a taste of her own medicine. (Deleting her off DS, and probably sites. Ignoring her.) but it's odd that I noticed this behavior between two completely different people. Point is, with both of these people I could talk to one of them every day and not get annoyed with it, or fear speaking my mind.
12.25.14 ~ I finally got a reply from her, it was a short simple thank you reply, and she took my advice. That's that, probably. A short reply which is unlike her and I gave one back probably sealing the deal that there won't be any follow up messages. It was still really nice to see her name pop up in the messages. I didn't even bother wishing her a merry christmas, I wasn't even expecting this reply, so it'd have sucked to say something else and get no reply. Really fighting my thoughts here. If it happens it happens. Lol that's two of those type of comments. (That's that, if it happens it happens) I had an amazing Christmas on here and definitely in real.
1.24.14 ~ It was today that meant a lot two years ago I heard my cousin passed away or was found. I sorta shut down, but lacey was there for me. I don't think I cried at first because I remember my cousin wouldn't have wanted me to cry like that. It still hurt, but most of the night it was me remembering the times shared with this important person in my life that I lost and texting my ex. It was this that brought me closer to her, and apparently however I handled this loss is when she fell for me back then. I wonder how long I'm going to remember what she did for me. But I do wonder about both these girls.
1.27.14 ~ This thing is so scattered and unorganized but I love it. xD Beat a game I got for Christmas and loved the hell out of it's story and the game itself. Bioshock Infinite. I didn't get this game when it came out because I think if you play one shooter you've played them all pretty much. Same can be said for other game types but I just lean towards fighter games myself. First non complaint journal post in while <3 xD
1.29.14 ~ Decided that next month I will be invisible. I'm not obligated to talk to anybody this year. No real drawback to this besides having to miss talking to certain people and I might set myself back on progress with talking more to some people I missed most, but I wont complain about things, wont stress anyone, including myself. Wont try and predict anything either. I just need this. Maybe even come back a better person. So I'm hoping nobody takes it personally. Pretty sure this may/could go unread, but I explained myself xD.
2.1.14 ~ Don't know how great of a start I am on this month of invisible or not involving myself in things unless asked. All I know is I'm online less than certain people as it is but the people I think may or may not need my help can reach me other ways.
2.2.14 ~ Watched the Super bowl with family. I haven't watched too many football games, let alone one without walking away or changing the channel. But this one I gave a chance. I know people rooting for each team. I was really wowed at the Seahawk's game. I had to laugh when it was over cause I know a certain Broncos fan probably put a hole through the wall at his team losing.
2.21.14 ~ Some people's reaction to their first time seeing snow. Just priceless! It hasn't even gone on long enough and yet I hope this friend's visit goes this well as long as it has.
3.11.14 ~ Getting creeped out by one person's attention. Waking up to texts from them. They just remind me of somebody I used to know and it's messing with my head. Also getting confused how one person went from talking to me so openly to them suddenly short replying me and hardly seeming interested in a phone call anymore.
4.1.14 ~ Spent today and the next day in a hospital. Not what I was expecting to wake up to at all. But glad these doctors acted accordingly. The one person I was hoping to hear from all through this (I've been talking to them on and off) didn't seem to notice, Idk what to go with here. I'd talk to them every day if I could, but it doesn't seem mutual at times. But when I don't hear from them, I worry.
4.21.14 ~ So this morning I woke up to something that sucks, a lot. I'm in the dark as to what this person is thinking. I know I'm not entirely to blame but they're dealing with a lot of changes on their "side of the world" but to make so many changes all at once, I wouldn't push a friend away like she's chosen to do.
I may've talked about this person before ..to a select few people. But they were one of the first people I met when I joined here. I've always talked to her, even when she quit gaia. (which, looking at what the site has turned into now. I'm happy for her, for more than one reason. One in particular is that she didn't stick around to meet some of the newer friends I've made here.) Pretty much I've always had a on and off crush towards her. I told her plenty of times even, of course when I wasn't involved in a relationship. It didn't change how we talked to each other or anything. Just like a very small amount of friends I have on here, I told her personal things, and stuff that I'm going through. Apparently the same thing with her too, as she'd tell me how she's told me things she couldn't tell anyone before. So it makes me really confused why this is her answer to whatever she's dealing with This is the part of her message I wanted to headbutt the wall for. (I'll add that she's overseas, if the messages seems off, at least she spells things correctly or doesn't "text talk" too much.)
Quote:
"it's weird. currently .. i quit a lot things. i will .. move away. i canceled my job. and i quit talking to you. it's like i leave all the things/ppl that are important to me :] it feels right and wrong at the same time. exiting and frightening. but i know i want to do that. so i will. time will tell if it's right or wrong.
let's do our best :)
let's do our best :)
I'm unable to reply to her message currently, because for once in the longest time I want to plead or beg with this person to stay in touch with me. To not leave. It's hurt more than a break up, I guess because I've been friends with this girl for longer than a year or two. (Known her for 6 years) but losing her is pretty painful. She's drawn me pictures, sent pictures of her/her surroundings, she's given me a soup recipe, she's introduced me to music she likes there and I've tried to do the same for her. I'd message this girl when it rained, her first comment to me was to "not forget me" and one of the last things in the message was how I apparently know her so well, answering questions she didn't ask but was wondering. But if I knew her so well, I'd probably have known the right thing to say to this ending. So even in our last message to each other I haven't figured out my reply just yet. There's things we say we'd do but didn't. I wanted to hear her accent, and send her something with my voice. I've drawn her plenty of pictures. I've sent her songs. I couldn't perfect the soup I was making in time to send her at this time.
I swear I'm never the one to walk away or try to end a relationship before it gets bad. I either try and they cry. Causing me to take them back or reconsider. But when they do it, no matter what happens, it happens cause I'm too forgiving. See the last break up I replied and wanted to stay in touch. Either my text didn't reach or it might've accidentally translated to "set me on ignore, despite what we had together and un-friend me". Which sucks, yeah but I'm trying to be happy for what I had, and for whatever is in the future. Unless it's a zombie outbreak / animals enslaving us future. Then to hell with that gonk
So this time.. even though it's a friendly break up or something I don't have a name for. It shouldn't be any different, I'm sure. Even though I'm hoping it'll be one of those things where we connect years later and she tells me how things have been treating her over there. I liked the fun facts she gave me about her country.
I gotta say, now after all that ended. The month of april and may had to have been the suckiest I've had in years. I replied eventually, sent her a quick voice file wishing her well, sent a song I wanted to share, and rushed the soup recipe that I've been taking time trying to perfect. Might turn out gross lol, but hey, I did what I said I'd do.
5.21.14 ~ Surgery. Wont go into it, but it sucked lol. Nothing compared to the previous ones though.
6.7.14 ~ Watched Pitch Perfect with a buddy 3nodding it was really fun and I hope to do this again with them sometime. We were both having a crappy day, so this helped me and it sounds like it helped them as well.
6.17.14 ~ I have a habit I do, that I find annoying. I save things. From links sent by friends / exes, old conversations are on that list, and things like this journal. Am I gonna go back and read this years later? Probably not. So I don't know what possessed me to do this last night but I went down waaay too many strolls down memory lane. I don't regret it, since it was kinda nice. Just the 'missing people who used to be there' part sucks. Also: Ugh, just hurry up and heal already D&
7.21.14 ~ Another surgery, person I tried reaching out to like last time didn't see my message or I've crossed a line, point is: I survived, without their sweet words. I need to quit getting it in my head I need somebody to help me through these things. It's nice but it shows little confidence in the man behind the scalpel xD
7.25.14 ~ So I actually spent 8 days at this place, they tried to give me antibiotics by iv for a few days before deciding to do surgery, since I wasn't healing. I tried reaching out to one friend for her company, since it's helped in the past. But couldn't really keep the conversation going or something, it's understandable. I had another friend I kept texting, but again with what I told whoever I told about this situation I was worrying them and myself. Not a fan of dragging people down with me, so I kinda tried keeping it to myself this time.
Also not a fan of:
-8 days of being woken up at 5:30am for labwork, a.k.a. blood being drawn
(I swear I got stuck more times than a junkie after a big paycheck)
-medicine you'd think would only help, but sorta helps at a cost.
-being bedridden and slightly dependent on others.
(sure they're trained professionals but they're strangers nonetheless)
-doctors who insist one moment something is urgent, then needs to re-evaluate the situation.
-doctors who half assed-ly listen to your concerns and cut you off when you make a valid point..
-alarms that went off that made me worry for the well being of others around me.
-creepy dreams and waking up in a odd room you're not familiar with lol.
It was a nightmare, I hope I don't have to go back any time soon. But I don't regret going on the off chance that things somehow improved through this experience. Even if they brought me back in, I know I'm in good hands. Just really was hell on my mind, nerves, and body. People kept complimenting the way I handled this, but what choice did I really have? You'd be an idiot to lash out at people only there to help. Some of them made the experience better than I'm letting on. From the cool three male nurses who treated me like a old friend, the annoying but comically hard to understand bubbly foreign female nurse, the cute blonde nurse who was like a guardian angel my last night there. I really hope they know what good they're doing in other people's lives.
8.11.14 ~ Day started out kinda crappy, no real reason just sore and such still. So being out of the house I worried that I could undo all the work I've been through lately and worried about finding myself back at the doctors. Lol yeah, gotten that paranoid. Fun feeling, really. Saw a movie and when a complete stranger told me that Robin Williams passed away today I wanted to say "bullshit, might wanna get your facts from anywhere else but the internet" but just let it go. On the way home ended up hearing it again and finally read the news for my self. It sucks, it really does. The world lost an amazing human being today, a comedy legend and it's almost hard to accept this. Heard from Kimmi today too ♥ short conversation but still, always nice to hear from her. Told her I was coping with this by watching "Mrs Doubtfire" turns out she and another friend had the same idea. She invited me on call but the weather lately, she'd just hear my loud a** fan and me on chat with a bunch of people I don't know too well? Not always the most talkative. So I had to decline, normally when she and I talk it's so much fun, so hopefully I didn't offend.
8.12.14 ~ Caught up with an old ex today, she and I can go so long without talking yet when we catch up it doesn't feel too awkward to me. Got to hear about her life, her new boyfriend, and her plans to move. Sounds like things will be pretty busy for her here soon and hopefully there'll be a bit more contact now and then. Might be mailing stuff with a certain someone, really psyched since the last time I sent stuff postally was in my last relationship. I don't know what to expect and I haven't decided yet, but this time I wont feel hesitation on sending this person stuff, I can't explain it, and I wont out of respect. But the last relationship I didn't want to send too many treats and seem like I was doing it other than the reason of "I just wanted to" again, it's really hard to explain. But I approached that with too much caution and that probably wasn't necessary.
8.13.14 ~ Some bandages came off today, looks like I'm healing but sorta too soon to tell. I lost sleep last night wondering how today would go. Still, it was vague and a tad bit of a let down. I just can't wait until I hear nothing but good news, and can resume some normality again.
9.27.14 ~ Watched 22 jump street twice in one day, once with family members, then online with a friend ♥ pretty fun night overall. The wounds seemed to have healed up good enough by now.
10.1.14 ~ Somewhere along the way I feel really close to somebody, that I cannot quit talking to them, that it sucks when I don't hear from them, that this is one person I can't wait to talk to on the phone again, that I'd give or try and do anything to see them happy.. But am so hesitant to tell them how I feel, why? Because of a few things. My last relationship starting out so amazing and taking a drop making me lose not only my lover but a friend I thought I'd always have, my changing mood(s) which played some part in each relationship so far. Then there's also the chance of rejection. I got what I want to say typed out, but when it comes to hitting the send button.. xD this fear is protecting/preventing me from doing so!
10.14.14 ~ Talking to an amazing friend on and off, but out of the blue just when I chalk us not talking (as much) lately, up to being busy on both our sides. I get a surprise call later this night, didn't ask her to do it, didn't have to ask her if she wanted me to call. I was really happy the rest of the night. Woke up in the middle of the night and saw pictures from them as well that were goofy and random. It's things like this can change my day sooo much for the better.
10.23.14 ~ It's been raining nonstop since 2pm yesterday. I love days like this. Noticed an old pattern about something from the past. As much as I want to forget it, I cannot help but wonder if it's a coincidence or part of that pattern's formula since I went through it then, heard about it happening before. This all ended up making me ask another person about this type of thing.
10.24.14 ~ Went to Albany today. Spent a majority of my day at the bookstore. Doesn't take much to make me happy 3nodding
11.1.14 ~ First day of snow here, R.I.P. Wayne Static. Read it was a drug overdose, that sucks a lot. I can think of one friend who is going to hate this news, they wont find out it for awhile being without a PC or internet for an amount of time. How many talented people will we lose this year?
11.7.14 ~ Found out zOMG! isn't coming back. With all the stuff that's gone on this year, the losses of celebrities/musicians, favorite games, lol the medical hellhole. This is adding up to being a pretty ugly year. Already looking forward to next year and hoping it'll be better. More snow at night too. Kinda nice to see the snow owo
11.14.14 ~ That person's birthday again. I used to go out of my way and text them happy birthday wishes. Now we hardly talk, they played such a huge part in my life when we first met, and plenty of years after. I fully trusted her and we just somehow grew apart. I know how it sounds, and can't stand when others say and do this, but I honestly feel I put forth more effort on trying to keep in touch. Eventually we just give up on trying only to get ignored or brushed off. Doesn't stop me from thinking of her and remembering how things used to be, but that was back then. Like a few of my other issues, I need to quit living in the past and let go of all this resentment and anger.
11.18.14 ~ Might just be random chance, but last night a special someone said something to me that I feel I really needed to hear. I didn't need to be calmed down or cheered up. So no anger or anything. This seemed unprovoked and their timing is just amazing. Later today I heard from one of my exes, really happy to hear she's still with the boyfriend she's been with a couple of years. She still has her nickname for me and sounds like she's been keeping busy lately. Last I remember she had a health issue, so first place I jumped to was she was overdoing things and not taking care of herself. She didn't really clear that up. All I know is I'll be hearing from her a bit more, right now her parents are in FL, and her boyfriend went to visit his family and friends in OH. So she's just there bored out of her mind.
12.5.14 ~ Got an odd message a few days ago from that person I'm missing a lot. This happened back in April. I remember the date even, April 21st we stopped talking due to a lot of changes. Not an argument, nothing bad. I posted their message it was just something that had to be done. Anyways, this message was gibberish and seems like they just caught a virus or something. I warned them about it breaking just nearly eight months of silence.
12.18.14 ~ I felt this deserved some kind of mention, I used to watch this show with friends, rarely on my own. Or it'd be background noise (kept the tv on, waiting for a show to come on. Or just plain out too lazy to change the channel sometimes lol.) But today was the last Colbert Report. I guess when I first started watching I couldn't stand the character he played at first. Took him too serious before I really knew this was a parody with the news with a humorous twist. The more I watched it with friends, the more some of them asked if I caught an episode (and if not, they recorded it. There was no escape lol, no matter how much of a fight I put up.) I eventually watched it on my own, grew to enjoy it more. Was truly sad to see the show end today. Even with the build up of the "Final week" Comedy Central was announcing. Onto something else getting confusing, I've been noticing with two different people it's like they stick to a specific number of messages per conversation. One person it's like I get two replies out of them then nothing, another person.. Their replies seem spaced out unless I bring up a favorite topic. Otherwise it's been three days of spaced out texts talking about how much a jerk this guy she liked was and how he gave her a taste of her own medicine. (Deleting her off DS, and probably sites. Ignoring her.) but it's odd that I noticed this behavior between two completely different people. Point is, with both of these people I could talk to one of them every day and not get annoyed with it, or fear speaking my mind.
12.25.14 ~ I finally got a reply from her, it was a short simple thank you reply, and she took my advice. That's that, probably. A short reply which is unlike her and I gave one back probably sealing the deal that there won't be any follow up messages. It was still really nice to see her name pop up in the messages. I didn't even bother wishing her a merry christmas, I wasn't even expecting this reply, so it'd have sucked to say something else and get no reply. Really fighting my thoughts here. If it happens it happens. Lol that's two of those type of comments. (That's that, if it happens it happens) I had an amazing Christmas on here and definitely in real.
2015
1.7.15 ~ So far this year has started out pretty nicely. Honestly nothing to add here, just wanted to add a happy note to this. It'll be pretty easy for this year to be better than the last I'm hoping.
1.8.15 ~ Got two people's birthdays tomorrow, it's funny one person I don't get to talk to anymore, but still wonder about. Another person I've met here recently. Can't really call them a friend though, just a person I keep seeing at a store, that has been pretty social and open about their life with me. There's some similarities even, both love sour sweets, have quite a few pets, they talked to me about a few ds games even. Kinda weird knowing there's two birthdays going on tomorrow, but not being able to wish them a happy one.
1.18.15 ~ Today was a bit different, and stressful. Last night the weather was in question, it'd have decided whether we went to our family dinner or not this weekend. (It could happen either saturday or sunday) but instead the weather seemed like the snow wasn't going to be as bad. This trip was a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back. It's cold and snowing, but doesn't seem too bad. About thirty minutes away from the place we're heading to.. The radio stops whatever we were listening to and warns drivers to stay off the roads, they're now icy. So that was kinda funny, in a potentially "too little, too late" kinda way. Uncle calls me, suggests turning around and going back home. Didn't happen, my Grandma's driveway was completely iced over. (This is also on a hill, so good luck with going uphill or downhill. Even with snow tires. It wouldn't have gone so smooth.) so headed to my Aunt and Uncle's place. Even their driveway was a bit icy lol, so there was a bit of a slide. We sat there for awhile, socialized, and watched a the last half of some hunger games movie, and the first half of Gangs of New York. Then headed home, the roads were much better, even picked up a burger joint (Five Guys Burgers) since it was on the way back. Still, kinda wish it was just called off for this month. Not like it'd have ended there.
1.20.15 ~ This is really depressing, we used to have a person living with us back in WF, she was a close friend of my mom's and she was marrying this guy I used to know and work with. So we were psyched that these two were getting married, and to cut down on gas/expenses she lived with us for awhile to save up for the wedding. She also worked with us at this clinic. That's just some backstory on her. She had a dog named Tessa. This dog was adorable, and she's the mother of our dog "Snick" think she had two years on him. Well this morning they woke up to a deceased Tessa, no warning, otherwise the dog was in good health and raised in a loving household. She was like a kid to this family (they have kids lol, I didn't know how else to phrase it besides "like a member of the family" where it wouldn't sound odd or a bad choice of phrasing.) From the call and messages she's extremely torn up about this loss :/ it sucks, it really does.
1.24.15 ~ This is the day my cousin passed away, or it was during this week. Three years ago. Hard to believe this time has passed. Even though I remember it pretty clearly. I swear I used to run to her for advice on anything. She was that one person I could ask for help on anything, talk to about anything, she looked out for me from jerks at school, in public. She'd stand up for me when my first step father was mean to me in his misguided attempts to make me stronger. I used to always ask her to pick me up from school when we lived in the same state, because I enjoyed hanging out with her. Growing up she was the older relative I idolized and looked up to. Had a crush on one of her best friends who became a friend of mine at school. She'd tease me about that. Turns out that exact friend wrote a poem for this loss and every once in awhile I read the poem. I remember the people I told about this loss, and their reactions, how they helped me and kept me stronger than I may've let on through this loss. Today I thanked them for being there, well the ones I knew would reply to my texts/call. I'd thank the two people if I could, but time has passed and attempts to contact would probably do nothing for either of us. I especially remember telling myself that my cousin wouldn't want me to act like the world was ending from this loss. Mourn, cry if I needed to, and move on.
2.6.15 ~ Talked to a friend on the phone tonight, why? I don't know 100%, just too nice to shoot them down for asking. Found out they were tipsy/drunk during it. They were all over the place on the phone, it might've been the most I've heard them reveal about themselves. When it comes to texts, they're putting up that "nothing bugs me" vibe. (This was even explained on the phone. It's a front, things get to them but they're guarded. Not the first person I've met who does this. Honestly, I admire people who can hide their feelings so well for however long.) It was a fun call, admit I expected myself to regret it or something like that. Some stuff creeped me out a little, but they weren't in the right mind. So can't fault them for that.
2.7.15 ~ They asked for a phone call today, while they were normal. I haven't decided yet, but can't say there's been a person where I wanted to talk to day after day on the phone. They're no exception. I find it weird, they reply to texts slow, talk less than when I first met them. Now they're a bit more attentive, and it's noticed.
2.14.15 ~ An amazing day :3 started it out with a nice breakfast. Played a game I've been enjoying lately. Had one of those big reese's peanut butter cup hearts, and some of those sweet chalky candy hearts. Went out to lunch at a favorite food place here (a burger unlike any fast food or "family" chain like fridays, outback, etc. It's an exaggeration to say they're better than outback.. xD two different worlds I guess.) came home. Got unexpected gifts from a few great people on here. Ate cake, opened presents. Got a few new books and comics to read, dvds to watch, and promises of a game to play when it's released (xD preorder) and a new shirt I'm gonna have to show some buddies emotion_bigheart
2.19.15 ~ Wrote that one without accidentally putting '14' instead of '15' alright, finally lol. A buddy's birthday today, haven't been able to reach her in awhile though. Not since last year, when I was told I'd hear from her around her christmas break. Still sent a message, other than that, pretty normal day. Watched the Two and a Half men series finale. Was pretty amusing, hasn't been the same since Charlie left. Can't imagine the greatest reaction to this episode when it went out of it's way to continually bash him on the last half of the episode. Still it was fun, and sucks to see that show go. Kinda weird trying to center the episode around reviving the guy they killed off years ago. Then using a lookalike when the actual actor wouldn't make an appearance.
2.21.15 ~ Another buddy's birthday! I'll at least talk to this one on the day of their birthday, even held back sending their present on here early xD.
2.23.15 ~ Heard from that friend I spoke about. Again, it's more news that is brushed off now, but just know days or hours later it's going to kick in and suck.
3.8.15 ~ Made the soup I've been working on perfecting. I've been happy with it finally. Tried a lot of new things with the recipe this time, ended up liking it a lot. Also, the best compliment somebody can give is asking for another helping xD Felt pretty good about this version this time around.
3.17.15 ~ I went without the internet for four days, something weather related, anyways the device's signal went to crap and it refused to work. I know people that'd probably curl up in a corner and wish they were dead from that time without the internet. Good thing I'm not one of them 3nodding Watched a few movies and series, played some games, enjoyed other's company, and last but definitely not least: got some reading in. Had a few offline messages on skype, but luckily caught up with them when I got online.
3.18.15 ~ I've repeated myself, how many times am I gonna vent to this person, get ignored, and wish I never said anything in the first place..Before I learn my lesson? Definitely isn't two times, xD third time could be the charm. My sleep is all messed up, that's probably the case here. It's not a groundhog day type of thing.
3.21.15 ~ Had an odd dream about somebody close to me, lol before the move and a bit after. I haven't seen them in a long time. It's gone through my mind on and off today. I know they're okay through somebody else, but I'd prefer to hear it from them. Wrote about this elsewhere, but eh.. Feels like it's too vague. Tried my luck at a contest with a special someone. Don't know what to expect, but hoping at least one thing we have was the fun that came from this.
4.11.15 ~ Talked with Gracey buddy, and met a friend of hers she calls monkey, in a group chat. Had a real fun talk, quite a few laughs about something. Wrapped up my night with a call to someone I haven't heard from in awhile, got updated on how things were for her and got a little venting off my chest. Slept amazingly.
Friend's sending me a shirt they thought I'd like, pretty psyched wondering what it could be, since it's being treated as a mystery, couldn't even give me a clue. xD (Like it being a band t-shirt or a funny t-shirt) Had to resist the urge to say "jinkies", god help them if it's a scooby doo shirt though. Too much scooby doo in "español" during a recovery from a surgery when I was a kid. All in all, feel pretty good since my last little post, even made myself a goal to make peace with someone, someday about past behavior.
4.12.15 ~ Out today, running errands. It was such a nice day, might've put some color on this pale as a ghost skin xD. Encountered somebody too happy for BK, she was so friendly and all smiles, it was either her first year or she's just that friendly. It was just a change from the normal workers I've seen there the few times I just wanted a quick good burger. It was just too nice of weather to waste it online all day. The fun talk continued! Even had learned something new, but no point in wasting energy getting annoyed at how a story has been warped.
Supposedly, all this next week will all have this kind of weather. Kind of a nice break from the cold owo Think the only change will be rain sometime, so all in all. I'll be enjoying this weather emotion_bigheart
4.17.15 ~ Rain smacking against my window thanks to the wind lol, around 4 am. Not sure what woke me really, can't remember a dream, few messages on my phone that didn't require an urgent reply. Went back to sleep. Ended up waking up around 8, no more rain. Went downstairs to see meesha puked, and left a sand sausage outside her litterbox. My last girlfriend told me something about the cat puking sometimes, but I can't say it applies here. Cleaned up those messes and am thankful I had nothing in my stomach or it'd might've been just another mess to clean up. Worried about my cat lately, she's got a grooming today around noon, and I know how she (and plenty other cats) get about when it comes to a car ride.
4.20.15 ~ A storm out of the blue tonight, or I can just say I didn't know it'd storm tonight. Got rain, lightning followed by some loud as hell thunder. I've talked about this ex before, it's an on and off thing where she texts me out of the blue, or when I need somebody to talk to (and vice versa) she's never let me down or didn't have time for me, hell she didn't leave me alone a few times when I thought silence and distancing myself is the answer. We've made some kind of agreement after a strange unexpected talk, not sure what to think of this, but I'm happy to know she'll be talking with me more often.
4.28.15 ~ This feels like nothing, it didn't bug me at first but I've seen a new low of lazy strike lately. Premade kebabs, I honestly thought some of the fun behind these was making your own, choosing the veggies, choosing whichever meat (sometimes shrimp) Been a week into this agreement, so far I've heard from the person daily. Haven't had that in awhile, where it wasn't optional.
5.13.15 ~ Had a regular doctor check up today, went nicely. Day kinda sped by until around 7pm. We went and saw the Avengers sequel. Enjoyed it a lot, but I forget, with this small town, the theater sorta sucks on some movies. This time it kinda sucked after awhile, the chairs aren't the most comfortable, they're without drink holders. It wasn't bad. But during the previews there's kids running around, then during the movie there was a group of kids talking loud. Not the high school kids and their witty attempts at shouting something funny during the film type of kids, children with their parents. So you'd think with the father's presence they'd have been kept in line or kept the noise down. But nope, their dad could only shush them so many times before he just gave up, I mean yeah, I get it. You can't do much in public anymore, be it a swat (my first dad's way of "keep it down" wink or in some shape or form telling them to "shut up" ("dial - keep it down"/"quiet you" wink and you're not only discarding your parent of the year aware, but you're possibly getting the overprotective stranger to call child services or worse. It's good and it's bad, really depends how you look at it. But yeah, kids are excited for these super hero movies, but screaming out lines, talking (so that their sibling/friend) so loudly so that they can be heard over the movie. It got old halfway through, and I'd have been embarrassed in the parent's position. They in no way ruined the movie, but ruined the experience just a little. The people behind me had their no so polite opinion/words about that each time the kids raised their voice. All I'm saying is, if they were smart enough to understand what cool line their super hero was saying, you'd think they'd be smart enough to grasp they're not the only ones seeing this movie. Excitement or not. It was a good movie, just there was distractions at times.
5.14.15 ~ Woke up to a nice text from an ex (feels funny I haven't mentioned her by name, but it hasn't and won't cause any confusion) so had that nice thought all day. May be another health scare / concern in this family. Past three years there's been something harming one of us here. Be it a loss of a cousin, me in and out of a hospital and really not telling anyone (had my reasons, I already kinda lost it while I was dating someone, so between our silent treatment and having to go to a doctor a lot, I couldn't ask for a shoulder from one of the people I needed the most. Even when the break up came, I couldn't bring myself to tell them. Didn't want to guilt her into keep talking to me. Sorta sucks my last text went ignored, but it's in the past now. I remember it, but there's no negative feelings about it. I may wonder about her time to time, But that's normal for me.) my grandpa that same year, me the next year, this year my step dad's aunt, and now the current issue .. It at least may be nothing at all. We're waiting to hear back, either way worse case scenario isn't so scary knowing how strong this person is, but still. I can't help but worry about them, no matter what.
There's probably another separate journal entry explaining these past years coming up.
6.7.15 ~ Texted a person I haven't talked to since last month, it wasn't a full month or anything, but I needed a break. They were always negative, even when they did good on something. Has an odd habit of telling me how many songs they have on their iPod, not sure how to respond when she tells me, but hoping I don't somehow come across sarcastic. Earlier today it hasn't even been 12 hours since we talked again and I felt a little bit of regret. Newer friend sent me a cookie recipe. Ended up making them today, sooo good owo cookies I've never heard of and really liked them. Had to upload a picture and send the pic to them.
7.15.15 ~ I'm flattered, but I've dated enough people with a childlike mentality to know where that'll go. I'm still sure I'll regret telling this person that, but at least with them we can both be brutally honest and nobody's feelings get hurt.
7.20.15 ~ This was my morning. I wake up to see I have 18 missed calls, 9 unread texts, and one multimedia text of something disturbing I wish I could unsee from the same person. When did I see this? Not when I woke up right away, because I didn't charge my phone last night, all this attention killed my battery lol. It's battery was pretty low to begin with, but still. So I saw this when I plugged my phone in, and checked before carrying on my morning routine. This wasn't an emergency either, that's the part that kinda irks me. I can feel bad I wasn't awake, I can even understand a few texts that read "wake up already!" but with this person it's all day. I haven't had that in awhile and honestly, back then it wasn't overwhelming. This however.. is pretty crazy. I was put on the spot, and I gave them my number. Against my better judgement I thought: "Eh.. How bad could this be?" - Ladies and Gentlemen I give you "Exhibit A"
I didn't find out why they decided to show me the disturbing pic either, even after I told them days earlier I had a problem with seeing stuff like this, because my friends did it, and it worried me. I've never been too big on phone calls either, but some people I really want to talk to on the phone. In the past and the present. But this.. I'm at my limit. Oh and phone call #20.. I picked up. Nothing really revealed there either. Some stuff yeah. But I don't feel the main issue. So sure, I gave a sympathetic ear to them and even related on some stuff. I just don't know if I'm helping them or not. To be perfectly honest, when I first met them I never imagined this side existing. I'm just having a case of deja vu with them, another person in my past where they wanna talk or get their mind off their troubles talking to me about anything, except their actual problems. I'm not jumping to conclusions either, this is me paraphrasing them.
7.22.15 ~ The last visit stepdad and I went to their grandpa's place. I still got attacked there, not fun at all, but it could've been worse lol. My arm has plenty of cuts on it now, nail sized.. I gave her.. Well she kinda stole one of my old drawings. I gave her a proper art book. She drew something for me, and I had a gift from her to take home. This little stuffed animal (a dog) I think the most embarrassing part is we went to this ice cream place, had a real good shake there. As we're leaving she punches me, right around the chin. One of the workers there saw it and sure, she was concerned making sure I was okay. But the attention sucked. The only thing that got hurt was my pride lol. I'm kinda used to being hit by friends, so that's not too surprising to me.
8.3.14 ~ They finally moved into their new place. I keep getting called, but I can ignore those calls and slowly reply to her texts if I really need space. It's non stop and it's kinda sucking.
8.6.14 ~ Watched the final episode of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It might not be the last episode of the Daily Show, but Jon Stewart is stepping down. That kinda sucks, the seventeen years he's been doing that show I just always pictured him being old and gray doing that show, or it being somehow canceled. Stewart is irreplaceable, they'll probably toss some at the end of his/her ropes comedian to fill the role and the show will go through changes :/ eventually getting canned. Just a crappy guess lol. I hope I'm wrong.
9.11.15 ~ Been awhile since I did one of these, not that I need to. The friend who used to check this checks the other place I post stuff like this. I've just been busy and forgot I did this. Not even sure I wanna get back in the habit, a majority of these were/are negative. Just so I don't vent to a person too much, and I'm more careful now anyways. Even made a friend at work who has some of the same issues I do. Hell, I haven't had much of the jealousy problem lately. A certain ex is texting me damn near daily telling me about a trip or daily stuff going on. I get my venting out of the way as I can communicate with her (and her doing the same with me) and not worry about hurting someone's feelings. Even manage to text another few friends on here, I know I can talk to one of them more.
9.27.15 ~ Witnessed the eclipse yesterday, I'm gonna need some new glasses. My current ones just seem banged up. They've been through a lot even. Got them two moves ago. I'm not even gonna try to figure out how long ago that was. The lenses are scratched. From dropping them to my friend showing me this cool trick he could do with a screw and a rubberband. The eclipse was quite a sight though, I almost missed it.
10.10.15 ~ Got a family member's birthday celebrated earlier, made a nice day of it. Watched a movie (The Gambler), ate some ice cream cake, presents. Hopefully they had a great day. Been sick lately, it's not too bad. But I'm aware something is off, besides the random cough.
11.11.15 ~ Today was pretty.. Hectic. Eventful. I'm still a bit sick, I heard from my ex (don't know why I don't just address her by name to avoid any confusion, but it hasn't been a problem or something I can't explain.) So I've been texting her throughout the day. Cleaned up around the house. Ah! There's a recipe I want to learn and make now. I've had habanero jelly. Sounds spicy as hell, right? Nope! It's sweet and spicy. I know a few people who can't handle habaneros, in the past they preferred I didn't use them as an ingredient in meals I've cooked. But this stuff is real good on toast or a light sandwhich like peanut butter and jelly. There's spicy peanut butter out there (a** kickin' brand. It's addictive.) I bet those two paired together it's an even better snack.
Now the worst part of the day was when snick got back from his walk. This dog, we love him. When I show some friends they've agreed he looks like a little cow. His colors just remind me of your average cow. He doesn't moo or anything xD. Ugh, I can't say I've seen one eating, but he probably eats like a cow too, I bet he'd love having additional stomachs as well. He doesn't chew much, it's chomp chomp, then he swallows his treat. This has happened in the past, about three times I can remember. Once on Christmas worse of all. Nothing says happy holidays like a dead dog under the ol' christmas tree, right? So pretty much, he chokes on a few treats. Today, it was bad. It was scary, I mean last month we had an issue with meesha. (Who is fine. She caught a baby mouse, ate it's head and puked it up earlier yesterday) We were rubbing his throat, patting his back, this wasn't obstructing his breathing. But he was puking up foam, still no bone. He was tense. (It was like rawhide, but this thing was meant to clean his teeth, so it stayed tough. Even with his saliva and such.) We called the vet, the guy took ten minutes to reply. Said he probably couldn't do anything, but snick could come in and he'd be happy to try and help. I head when they got to the vet snick was his barky self and hyper as ever. Even dropped a dog biscuit when he got home. He needs to chew his food better, I wonder if he's even aware of the danger at all. Because you'd think three times, you'd have learned by now. I felt bad through this, as I've been texting my ex but I took a bit of time to reply to texts. I mean for me, that is the convenience to texting, you can reply whenever you want. Just still. That day, man.
11/5/15 - So, I contacted two people august of last year. To explain something I went through, and in all honesty I suck at keeping in touch with people. Unless they keep messaging me daily / often / or I want to keep in touch plays more of a part than anything. Like if I send a text, the person ignores it. I will back off. Their attention is creepy? I'll also back off lol. But I've been keeping up with one of the two people since august. On and off, but nothing from the other person. Yet. (I did today. You knew where I was going with this lol) It was a short message, but it said plenty. I've been hearing from the other person how busy both of these people have been. So two updates in one day, I was real happy to hear from them and made sure I replied this time. (Last entry allowed on this one)
1.7.15 ~ So far this year has started out pretty nicely. Honestly nothing to add here, just wanted to add a happy note to this. It'll be pretty easy for this year to be better than the last I'm hoping.
1.8.15 ~ Got two people's birthdays tomorrow, it's funny one person I don't get to talk to anymore, but still wonder about. Another person I've met here recently. Can't really call them a friend though, just a person I keep seeing at a store, that has been pretty social and open about their life with me. There's some similarities even, both love sour sweets, have quite a few pets, they talked to me about a few ds games even. Kinda weird knowing there's two birthdays going on tomorrow, but not being able to wish them a happy one.
1.18.15 ~ Today was a bit different, and stressful. Last night the weather was in question, it'd have decided whether we went to our family dinner or not this weekend. (It could happen either saturday or sunday) but instead the weather seemed like the snow wasn't going to be as bad. This trip was a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back. It's cold and snowing, but doesn't seem too bad. About thirty minutes away from the place we're heading to.. The radio stops whatever we were listening to and warns drivers to stay off the roads, they're now icy. So that was kinda funny, in a potentially "too little, too late" kinda way. Uncle calls me, suggests turning around and going back home. Didn't happen, my Grandma's driveway was completely iced over. (This is also on a hill, so good luck with going uphill or downhill. Even with snow tires. It wouldn't have gone so smooth.) so headed to my Aunt and Uncle's place. Even their driveway was a bit icy lol, so there was a bit of a slide. We sat there for awhile, socialized, and watched a the last half of some hunger games movie, and the first half of Gangs of New York. Then headed home, the roads were much better, even picked up a burger joint (Five Guys Burgers) since it was on the way back. Still, kinda wish it was just called off for this month. Not like it'd have ended there.
1.20.15 ~ This is really depressing, we used to have a person living with us back in WF, she was a close friend of my mom's and she was marrying this guy I used to know and work with. So we were psyched that these two were getting married, and to cut down on gas/expenses she lived with us for awhile to save up for the wedding. She also worked with us at this clinic. That's just some backstory on her. She had a dog named Tessa. This dog was adorable, and she's the mother of our dog "Snick" think she had two years on him. Well this morning they woke up to a deceased Tessa, no warning, otherwise the dog was in good health and raised in a loving household. She was like a kid to this family (they have kids lol, I didn't know how else to phrase it besides "like a member of the family" where it wouldn't sound odd or a bad choice of phrasing.) From the call and messages she's extremely torn up about this loss :/ it sucks, it really does.
1.24.15 ~ This is the day my cousin passed away, or it was during this week. Three years ago. Hard to believe this time has passed. Even though I remember it pretty clearly. I swear I used to run to her for advice on anything. She was that one person I could ask for help on anything, talk to about anything, she looked out for me from jerks at school, in public. She'd stand up for me when my first step father was mean to me in his misguided attempts to make me stronger. I used to always ask her to pick me up from school when we lived in the same state, because I enjoyed hanging out with her. Growing up she was the older relative I idolized and looked up to. Had a crush on one of her best friends who became a friend of mine at school. She'd tease me about that. Turns out that exact friend wrote a poem for this loss and every once in awhile I read the poem. I remember the people I told about this loss, and their reactions, how they helped me and kept me stronger than I may've let on through this loss. Today I thanked them for being there, well the ones I knew would reply to my texts/call. I'd thank the two people if I could, but time has passed and attempts to contact would probably do nothing for either of us. I especially remember telling myself that my cousin wouldn't want me to act like the world was ending from this loss. Mourn, cry if I needed to, and move on.
2.6.15 ~ Talked to a friend on the phone tonight, why? I don't know 100%, just too nice to shoot them down for asking. Found out they were tipsy/drunk during it. They were all over the place on the phone, it might've been the most I've heard them reveal about themselves. When it comes to texts, they're putting up that "nothing bugs me" vibe. (This was even explained on the phone. It's a front, things get to them but they're guarded. Not the first person I've met who does this. Honestly, I admire people who can hide their feelings so well for however long.) It was a fun call, admit I expected myself to regret it or something like that. Some stuff creeped me out a little, but they weren't in the right mind. So can't fault them for that.
2.7.15 ~ They asked for a phone call today, while they were normal. I haven't decided yet, but can't say there's been a person where I wanted to talk to day after day on the phone. They're no exception. I find it weird, they reply to texts slow, talk less than when I first met them. Now they're a bit more attentive, and it's noticed.
2.14.15 ~ An amazing day :3 started it out with a nice breakfast. Played a game I've been enjoying lately. Had one of those big reese's peanut butter cup hearts, and some of those sweet chalky candy hearts. Went out to lunch at a favorite food place here (a burger unlike any fast food or "family" chain like fridays, outback, etc. It's an exaggeration to say they're better than outback.. xD two different worlds I guess.) came home. Got unexpected gifts from a few great people on here. Ate cake, opened presents. Got a few new books and comics to read, dvds to watch, and promises of a game to play when it's released (xD preorder) and a new shirt I'm gonna have to show some buddies emotion_bigheart
2.19.15 ~ Wrote that one without accidentally putting '14' instead of '15' alright, finally lol. A buddy's birthday today, haven't been able to reach her in awhile though. Not since last year, when I was told I'd hear from her around her christmas break. Still sent a message, other than that, pretty normal day. Watched the Two and a Half men series finale. Was pretty amusing, hasn't been the same since Charlie left. Can't imagine the greatest reaction to this episode when it went out of it's way to continually bash him on the last half of the episode. Still it was fun, and sucks to see that show go. Kinda weird trying to center the episode around reviving the guy they killed off years ago. Then using a lookalike when the actual actor wouldn't make an appearance.
2.21.15 ~ Another buddy's birthday! I'll at least talk to this one on the day of their birthday, even held back sending their present on here early xD.
2.23.15 ~ Heard from that friend I spoke about. Again, it's more news that is brushed off now, but just know days or hours later it's going to kick in and suck.
3.8.15 ~ Made the soup I've been working on perfecting. I've been happy with it finally. Tried a lot of new things with the recipe this time, ended up liking it a lot. Also, the best compliment somebody can give is asking for another helping xD Felt pretty good about this version this time around.
3.17.15 ~ I went without the internet for four days, something weather related, anyways the device's signal went to crap and it refused to work. I know people that'd probably curl up in a corner and wish they were dead from that time without the internet. Good thing I'm not one of them 3nodding Watched a few movies and series, played some games, enjoyed other's company, and last but definitely not least: got some reading in. Had a few offline messages on skype, but luckily caught up with them when I got online.
3.18.15 ~ I've repeated myself, how many times am I gonna vent to this person, get ignored, and wish I never said anything in the first place..Before I learn my lesson? Definitely isn't two times, xD third time could be the charm. My sleep is all messed up, that's probably the case here. It's not a groundhog day type of thing.
3.21.15 ~ Had an odd dream about somebody close to me, lol before the move and a bit after. I haven't seen them in a long time. It's gone through my mind on and off today. I know they're okay through somebody else, but I'd prefer to hear it from them. Wrote about this elsewhere, but eh.. Feels like it's too vague. Tried my luck at a contest with a special someone. Don't know what to expect, but hoping at least one thing we have was the fun that came from this.
4.11.15 ~ Talked with Gracey buddy, and met a friend of hers she calls monkey, in a group chat. Had a real fun talk, quite a few laughs about something. Wrapped up my night with a call to someone I haven't heard from in awhile, got updated on how things were for her and got a little venting off my chest. Slept amazingly.
Friend's sending me a shirt they thought I'd like, pretty psyched wondering what it could be, since it's being treated as a mystery, couldn't even give me a clue. xD (Like it being a band t-shirt or a funny t-shirt) Had to resist the urge to say "jinkies", god help them if it's a scooby doo shirt though. Too much scooby doo in "español" during a recovery from a surgery when I was a kid. All in all, feel pretty good since my last little post, even made myself a goal to make peace with someone, someday about past behavior.
Oh god, and now sporting the shortest haircut I've had since a long time. It's taken time to get used to myself, but family and friends have joked it's about time I've cut my longer hair.
4.12.15 ~ Out today, running errands. It was such a nice day, might've put some color on this pale as a ghost skin xD. Encountered somebody too happy for BK, she was so friendly and all smiles, it was either her first year or she's just that friendly. It was just a change from the normal workers I've seen there the few times I just wanted a quick good burger. It was just too nice of weather to waste it online all day. The fun talk continued! Even had learned something new, but no point in wasting energy getting annoyed at how a story has been warped.
Supposedly, all this next week will all have this kind of weather. Kind of a nice break from the cold owo Think the only change will be rain sometime, so all in all. I'll be enjoying this weather emotion_bigheart
4.17.15 ~ Rain smacking against my window thanks to the wind lol, around 4 am. Not sure what woke me really, can't remember a dream, few messages on my phone that didn't require an urgent reply.
Ex talked about her plans today at a volunteer job where she's spending time with a senior citizen she adores. One friend tells me her nickname with some friends is blt (curiosity got the better of me that night xD), Talked with a friend and his mom about an issue they're butting heads on but they quit replying around 1.
4.20.15 ~ A storm out of the blue tonight, or I can just say I didn't know it'd storm tonight. Got rain, lightning followed by some loud as hell thunder. I've talked about this ex before, it's an on and off thing where she texts me out of the blue, or when I need somebody to talk to (and vice versa) she's never let me down or didn't have time for me, hell she didn't leave me alone a few times when I thought silence and distancing myself is the answer. We've made some kind of agreement after a strange unexpected talk, not sure what to think of this, but I'm happy to know she'll be talking with me more often.
4.28.15 ~ This feels like nothing, it didn't bug me at first but I've seen a new low of lazy strike lately. Premade kebabs, I honestly thought some of the fun behind these was making your own, choosing the veggies, choosing whichever meat (sometimes shrimp) Been a week into this agreement, so far I've heard from the person daily. Haven't had that in awhile, where it wasn't optional.
5.13.15 ~ Had a regular doctor check up today, went nicely. Day kinda sped by until around 7pm. We went and saw the Avengers sequel. Enjoyed it a lot, but I forget, with this small town, the theater sorta sucks on some movies. This time it kinda sucked after awhile, the chairs aren't the most comfortable, they're without drink holders. It wasn't bad. But during the previews there's kids running around, then during the movie there was a group of kids talking loud. Not the high school kids and their witty attempts at shouting something funny during the film type of kids, children with their parents. So you'd think with the father's presence they'd have been kept in line or kept the noise down. But nope, their dad could only shush them so many times before he just gave up, I mean yeah, I get it. You can't do much in public anymore, be it a swat (my first dad's way of "keep it down" wink or in some shape or form telling them to "shut up" ("dial - keep it down"/"quiet you" wink and you're not only discarding your parent of the year aware, but you're possibly getting the overprotective stranger to call child services or worse. It's good and it's bad, really depends how you look at it. But yeah, kids are excited for these super hero movies, but screaming out lines, talking (so that their sibling/friend) so loudly so that they can be heard over the movie. It got old halfway through, and I'd have been embarrassed in the parent's position. They in no way ruined the movie, but ruined the experience just a little. The people behind me had their no so polite opinion/words about that each time the kids raised their voice. All I'm saying is, if they were smart enough to understand what cool line their super hero was saying, you'd think they'd be smart enough to grasp they're not the only ones seeing this movie. Excitement or not. It was a good movie, just there was distractions at times.
5.14.15 ~ Woke up to a nice text from an ex (feels funny I haven't mentioned her by name, but it hasn't and won't cause any confusion) so had that nice thought all day. May be another health scare / concern in this family. Past three years there's been something harming one of us here. Be it a loss of a cousin, me in and out of a hospital and really not telling anyone (had my reasons, I already kinda lost it while I was dating someone, so between our silent treatment and having to go to a doctor a lot, I couldn't ask for a shoulder from one of the people I needed the most. Even when the break up came, I couldn't bring myself to tell them. Didn't want to guilt her into keep talking to me. Sorta sucks my last text went ignored, but it's in the past now. I remember it, but there's no negative feelings about it. I may wonder about her time to time, But that's normal for me.) my grandpa that same year, me the next year, this year my step dad's aunt, and now the current issue .. It at least may be nothing at all. We're waiting to hear back, either way worse case scenario isn't so scary knowing how strong this person is, but still. I can't help but worry about them, no matter what.
There's probably another separate journal entry explaining these past years coming up.
6.7.15 ~ Texted a person I haven't talked to since last month, it wasn't a full month or anything, but I needed a break. They were always negative, even when they did good on something. Has an odd habit of telling me how many songs they have on their iPod, not sure how to respond when she tells me, but hoping I don't somehow come across sarcastic. Earlier today it hasn't even been 12 hours since we talked again and I felt a little bit of regret. Newer friend sent me a cookie recipe. Ended up making them today, sooo good owo cookies I've never heard of and really liked them. Had to upload a picture and send the pic to them.
7.15.15 ~ I'm flattered, but I've dated enough people with a childlike mentality to know where that'll go. I'm still sure I'll regret telling this person that, but at least with them we can both be brutally honest and nobody's feelings get hurt.
7.20.15 ~ This was my morning. I wake up to see I have 18 missed calls, 9 unread texts, and one multimedia text of something disturbing I wish I could unsee from the same person. When did I see this? Not when I woke up right away, because I didn't charge my phone last night, all this attention killed my battery lol. It's battery was pretty low to begin with, but still. So I saw this when I plugged my phone in, and checked before carrying on my morning routine. This wasn't an emergency either, that's the part that kinda irks me. I can feel bad I wasn't awake, I can even understand a few texts that read "wake up already!" but with this person it's all day. I haven't had that in awhile and honestly, back then it wasn't overwhelming. This however.. is pretty crazy. I was put on the spot, and I gave them my number. Against my better judgement I thought: "Eh.. How bad could this be?" - Ladies and Gentlemen I give you "Exhibit A"
I didn't find out why they decided to show me the disturbing pic either, even after I told them days earlier I had a problem with seeing stuff like this, because my friends did it, and it worried me. I've never been too big on phone calls either, but some people I really want to talk to on the phone. In the past and the present. But this.. I'm at my limit. Oh and phone call #20.. I picked up. Nothing really revealed there either. Some stuff yeah. But I don't feel the main issue. So sure, I gave a sympathetic ear to them and even related on some stuff. I just don't know if I'm helping them or not. To be perfectly honest, when I first met them I never imagined this side existing. I'm just having a case of deja vu with them, another person in my past where they wanna talk or get their mind off their troubles talking to me about anything, except their actual problems. I'm not jumping to conclusions either, this is me paraphrasing them.
7.22.15 ~ The last visit stepdad and I went to their grandpa's place. I still got attacked there, not fun at all, but it could've been worse lol. My arm has plenty of cuts on it now, nail sized.. I gave her.. Well she kinda stole one of my old drawings. I gave her a proper art book. She drew something for me, and I had a gift from her to take home. This little stuffed animal (a dog) I think the most embarrassing part is we went to this ice cream place, had a real good shake there. As we're leaving she punches me, right around the chin. One of the workers there saw it and sure, she was concerned making sure I was okay. But the attention sucked. The only thing that got hurt was my pride lol. I'm kinda used to being hit by friends, so that's not too surprising to me.
8.3.14 ~ They finally moved into their new place. I keep getting called, but I can ignore those calls and slowly reply to her texts if I really need space. It's non stop and it's kinda sucking.
8.6.14 ~ Watched the final episode of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It might not be the last episode of the Daily Show, but Jon Stewart is stepping down. That kinda sucks, the seventeen years he's been doing that show I just always pictured him being old and gray doing that show, or it being somehow canceled. Stewart is irreplaceable, they'll probably toss some at the end of his/her ropes comedian to fill the role and the show will go through changes :/ eventually getting canned. Just a crappy guess lol. I hope I'm wrong.
Something else I just want off my chest: So, I've noticed there are two people I miss talking to, both of them I've tried telling this to. "Try" as in I said something along the lines of "I miss you" and it was ignored. There's no other way to take that, it hurts a little. Especially since I try not to say that to others. But whatever, I don't expect a person to follow my same silly.. Self made morals. That's crazy. It's like playing a game and making up your own rules "no blocking", "no grenades in shooters", "no going off and doing your own thing, we want that cheese!" I could go on and on, but those are examples, see? It's silly. Probably takes the fun out of games for the other person even. But yeah, I can't help but stop and wonder what'd happen if I went to visit my friends and they found out, would these two friends suddenly be all chatty? Or would they keep on ignoring me unless I seemed like I had something urgent or important to say to them? Knowing myself as I do, I can't imagine the nicest or delicately phrased reaction to that type of sudden attention.
9.11.15 ~ Been awhile since I did one of these, not that I need to. The friend who used to check this checks the other place I post stuff like this. I've just been busy and forgot I did this. Not even sure I wanna get back in the habit, a majority of these were/are negative. Just so I don't vent to a person too much, and I'm more careful now anyways. Even made a friend at work who has some of the same issues I do. Hell, I haven't had much of the jealousy problem lately. A certain ex is texting me damn near daily telling me about a trip or daily stuff going on. I get my venting out of the way as I can communicate with her (and her doing the same with me) and not worry about hurting someone's feelings. Even manage to text another few friends on here, I know I can talk to one of them more.
9.27.15 ~ Witnessed the eclipse yesterday, I'm gonna need some new glasses. My current ones just seem banged up. They've been through a lot even. Got them two moves ago. I'm not even gonna try to figure out how long ago that was. The lenses are scratched. From dropping them to my friend showing me this cool trick he could do with a screw and a rubberband. The eclipse was quite a sight though, I almost missed it.
10.10.15 ~ Got a family member's birthday celebrated earlier, made a nice day of it. Watched a movie (The Gambler), ate some ice cream cake, presents. Hopefully they had a great day. Been sick lately, it's not too bad. But I'm aware something is off, besides the random cough.
11.11.15 ~ Today was pretty.. Hectic. Eventful. I'm still a bit sick, I heard from my ex (don't know why I don't just address her by name to avoid any confusion, but it hasn't been a problem or something I can't explain.) So I've been texting her throughout the day. Cleaned up around the house. Ah! There's a recipe I want to learn and make now. I've had habanero jelly. Sounds spicy as hell, right? Nope! It's sweet and spicy. I know a few people who can't handle habaneros, in the past they preferred I didn't use them as an ingredient in meals I've cooked. But this stuff is real good on toast or a light sandwhich like peanut butter and jelly. There's spicy peanut butter out there (a** kickin' brand. It's addictive.) I bet those two paired together it's an even better snack.
Now the worst part of the day was when snick got back from his walk. This dog, we love him. When I show some friends they've agreed he looks like a little cow. His colors just remind me of your average cow. He doesn't moo or anything xD. Ugh, I can't say I've seen one eating, but he probably eats like a cow too, I bet he'd love having additional stomachs as well. He doesn't chew much, it's chomp chomp, then he swallows his treat. This has happened in the past, about three times I can remember. Once on Christmas worse of all. Nothing says happy holidays like a dead dog under the ol' christmas tree, right? So pretty much, he chokes on a few treats. Today, it was bad. It was scary, I mean last month we had an issue with meesha. (Who is fine. She caught a baby mouse, ate it's head and puked it up earlier yesterday) We were rubbing his throat, patting his back, this wasn't obstructing his breathing. But he was puking up foam, still no bone. He was tense. (It was like rawhide, but this thing was meant to clean his teeth, so it stayed tough. Even with his saliva and such.) We called the vet, the guy took ten minutes to reply. Said he probably couldn't do anything, but snick could come in and he'd be happy to try and help. I head when they got to the vet snick was his barky self and hyper as ever. Even dropped a dog biscuit when he got home. He needs to chew his food better, I wonder if he's even aware of the danger at all. Because you'd think three times, you'd have learned by now. I felt bad through this, as I've been texting my ex but I took a bit of time to reply to texts. I mean for me, that is the convenience to texting, you can reply whenever you want. Just still. That day, man.
11/5/15 - So, I contacted two people august of last year. To explain something I went through, and in all honesty I suck at keeping in touch with people. Unless they keep messaging me daily / often / or I want to keep in touch plays more of a part than anything. Like if I send a text, the person ignores it. I will back off. Their attention is creepy? I'll also back off lol. But I've been keeping up with one of the two people since august. On and off, but nothing from the other person. Yet. (I did today. You knew where I was going with this lol) It was a short message, but it said plenty. I've been hearing from the other person how busy both of these people have been. So two updates in one day, I was real happy to hear from them and made sure I replied this time. (Last entry allowed on this one)
