Hah, I seriously hope you didn't try to click the blue font.
It's not that I don't think I can talk to any one about this. It's that I don't think I want to. I'll be saying things about friends in this one. Won't use any names, because it really isn't about that.
Guess a little backstory is in order. I've recently written to my father.
(He's a step dad, he was a terrible one at that. But I loved him, he will always be known as dad to me, I cannot say he treated me like a son though. The man has corrected others, teachers, other friend's parents, and one time a doctor that "He's not mine", there's a part of me that wants to correct him when he proudly claims the one thing he did right was "chose" a good mom for me. But what would be the point of that? To hurt someone who is probably every definition of the word a broken man? The even the score? Hell, what's 1 point for sarcasm compared to the many times he hurt, lied, stolen from one of us?
But when the smoke cleared he tried so many times to make things right, and was given far too many chances.
The man apologizes in every letter he has sent, before and after my recent reply back in April. I don't know what I was expecting to happen, really. The man has apparently seen the light now. In the past I've watched him, he operates like a car salesman, or he'll tell you everything he thinks you want to hear. I just remember as a kid I fought so hard to earn his love, his respect. But his habits always had priority over family. Not just us. His parents, the many sisters he grew up with. I got nothing from him really up until mom kept her promise to divorce his a**. Finally tired of it all. Definitely an empowering moment.
Just long after the divorce. Mom meets a new partner. This guy, some of my friends have heard about. I may have complained about him. Definitely felt open enough to complain to exes about the guy, friends. Well I keep a limit on those comments, lol. He truly is a good guy. Just a bit self centered, and oblivious. Miles above my step dad I've focused on in this entry.
Back to him. I've read every one of his letters. I still am not sure why I chose to reply. I wanted to update him with the last three years? Or I just wanted to give him one less thing to stress about? He's distanced himself from his family left in his life, all but one. Maybe that's why I did it. To show him someone he calls family cares. I don't understand it. I'm done with the anger he's given me, I'm just trying to move forward and hope that he means what he says. He's played a part in my trust issues. Maybe confronting him about that will help me with that.
Again, I don't know what I was expecting when I replied, but he's so thankful. This "new" him, seems different. I don't know or like where this has led us. The point of ignoring him again not only seems messed up, but spiteful.
Why I feel I can't talk to friends about this. This is the part where I try and keep it vague, and sure as hell not gonna use any names. There's no need for that.
The people I text:
Some have their own thing going on.
Some I am aware that they don't know what to say of this situation.
Some even go as far to relate, but it only feels like a "hey, you think your situation sucks. Let me try and top that" situation.
Some are just subject changers, or short attention spans, lol.
The people I talk to online (Skype, here, other messenger of the week)
Some I can't even keep a conversation going with. It's like a question or sentence is typed (on both ends, me being the first to message, or it's them being the first to message) and they're too distracted.
Some are just too weird about it. An "aww" followed by a cutesy nickname isn't exactly having the heart to heart I was looking for.
Some are a little too emotional. Some nights nothing weirds me out more than a "My heart breaks for you, I wish I could take away the pain or help somehow." response. C'mon, you're making this more of a deal than it is.
Some are pretty predictable. "Man, that sucks" being the common replay. Yeah, I know it sucks. I just wanted confirmation it sucks. rolleyes
Some people I just have my doubts or concerns that I want to drag them into my problems.
The obvious (People I can call, talk to in person, other family)
Some family was threatened or in some way harassed/hurt by this man I call dad. So they want as little to do with this subject as possible, I imagine.
Some family are going through something else lately. There is a bit of a situation here. I don't want to pile this on with something else going on. I want to be strong for them mostly.
Some people I met while working, they have their own stuff going on as well.
Some people I can call are normally a variation of of the listed above problems, or one person in particular only seems to be available in cases of extreme stress.
I could always talk to the source of this problem, but I cannot imagine myself doing this the polite or holding back kind of way. Last thing I want to do is overload something that is already a bit unpredictable.
Felt pretty good typing all this out. I can't see it being read or much less made sense of. It was done before I slept. Just another instance of me not sure of how to talk to someone else about this thing that's been on my mind. It's in no way a plea for help. Just a venting.
(current captcha says or said "hulk smash" that's pretty damn awesome)
