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So, I borrowed this off a friends Bebo page ... it's really, really funny. If you're kinda in on the joke in the first place ... mrgreen


LEAVING CERTIFICATE(",)


Type 1: NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for €300 and 90g to Tomo for €90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is €40 a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's €500 a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of coke he bought for €7,000, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

Type 2: SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
_________________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

Type 3: COUNTRYSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN (except Kerry and especially Cork)

Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________

1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through Paddy John’s turnip crop at 10 miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?

2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien’s at the crossroads?

3. Paddy Joe Mahony has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien’s on the crossroads for the ceilí and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles to O'Brien’s, which girl will end up in John Joe’s hay barn?

5. If Paddy Joe’s prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other hens can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday dinner?

You know what's even freakier ... I know all the answers to the Type 3 Leaving Cert. eek