I saw him with another girl today. It hurt like someone had just driven a knife into my chest. It was a girl he had told me about before. She likes priest. At the time he told me he thought she was too serious, but who knows what now. I dare not type what I think. That seems to make it happen. Today was the first day I've really cried since last Wednesday, when the bad thing happened.
I feel like I could just die. Not that He would care. I could die tomorrow and He would probably only laugh about it. I bet He'd say "Dying is a sign of weakness." Everything to him seems to be a sign of weakness. I almost wish the school would get shot up tomorrow, but that I would be the only one hit. Not hit in a way that would kill me, but one that would injure me dangerously. I'd want him to see it and for me to stay awake long enough to see his reaction. It sounds crazy, because it is, but it would put these thoughts to rest.
It would be ironic if I died tomorrow. Its my birthday. My 'sweet sixteen'. I think I'd just let myself die, too. Being the only one shot in a school shootup on my birthday just sounds like some higher being's way of saying "Time to go." This hurts so bad. I hope it gets easier really fast.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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