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I cannot and will never understand what my feelings say or atleast don't think it would be possible. What comes to mind is a deep sad presence that lingers after a watch a movie or when a song is left to never be heard of again. Sometimes it creeps up right before the ending of a radio broadcast from old times or doesn't even appear till minutes later from being droped off at my little home.

It must be aching from lack of seeing someone that doesn't exist anymore but never did I actually see them before. Funny huh? Maybe it's my trust in ghosts existance or just wanting to sink into that eternal sleep where they also lie.

There's always an upbeat but moment related music flying through the speakers and I get on here, hoping things will change but it just gets worse. My head starts thinking about why things don't matter, how I could do anything I want, anything at all and how no matter what I do, there will never be a place up on that stage of make believe for my not-so-adored head and high pitched instrument.

Then afterwards, ideas of wanting pity and having the urge to be loved in a way that makes one sick swirl and plans begin to take place. Sometimes I'll be riding the bus, thinking I'm going to put on the sadest face in the world and barely make a peep and act like I'm pretending to be ok. Though right before I can make my entrance for such a pathetic performance, someone always gives me a warm gesture and I can't help but pass it on. Just like that, I cannot push myself to be so stupid and pretend to be a low life in society.

I try my hardest to seek something that will do well for me in the long run but nothing shines brighter than the stage, the theatre. I would die to live such a pasionate life but everytime I get this way, so sad, it's as if a lightbulb pops up to tell me: "Hey, no matter how wonderful and talented you'll be near the future, you can't do it. What man would hire a women with a high pitched voice that doesn't even look half as good as Bette Davis when they can just hire that cute little 10 year old or some amazing beauty about to hit big on the stage?"

Don't get me wrong folks, I hate getting the it's oks and your not ugly speech. I know darn right that I was made to have brains and nothing else but they're so layed back, wonder if god gave me a purpose at all. Someone could just walk right up to me, tell me something to say or do and I forget in half a second. Then again, that's why it happens with only catching 6 hours of sleep, haha.

I look at someone, anyone really and observe. Most girls my age will have some set career where they'll make good money but you wonder if they're going to really enjoy it. Now I find it wonderful because we need those professions to keep in the race along side time but it makes me bananas. Will I have to be another one of those shuffling bodies that do something for the smarts and never have a chance to shine because they're brain material? I cannot get over this- someone drag out the operation boat quick, so I can save myself with alittle plastic surgery.

Don't know how to explain this much. Those girls will have happy futures, doing what they want to do but I can't. It's as if my self centered personality was thrown in the wrong body because it's not going to be satisified untill things happen. Snaps, my life isn't perfect, never will be I know for sure but just having a rushing current of far away from myself might keep me sane. Who knows, maybe I'll actually find a break without much hope and just get lucky.