I'm terrible at being a friend. I like the idea of friends but I'm bad at it. I don't communicate. I don't think to ask questions. Any questions. I don't know if it's because communication like this eludes me, if I just expect them to tell me or if I simply don't actually care. I think i'm too disassociated from everything to be a good friend. There are types of friendships that I want but I put no effort into them and I feel stressed out most of the time and I don't like the commitment because they're real people and not things and I know that sometimes i can't tell the difference. I feel like people are a chore and in the same day I can turn around and just crave company whether it's just a "hey what's up" online but only to a select few. I don't know if me wanting friends is just my ego because most of the time my friendships are one sided. I don't mean to be that way to people. I don't deliberately go out of my way to lure people into a false sense of friendship. I'm just too off kilter to be the kind of friend they think I will be. I feel so guilty and yet not guilty enough to do anything about it.
What if I really and I mean REALLY quite facebook. Only used messenger since that's how my "best friend" communicates with me and some coworkers.
Would I stop posting about my life? Would I keep a real journal. Maybe I would actually do more with my time. Maybe I would actually ask friends questions about their lives and use my words to learn about them and not just scroll the home feed of facebook.
What was making friends like before? Well I didn't have many for starters because I was so socially awkward that only people who are messed up like me would give me the time of day and I can't say that I can blame anyone because I was ******** annoying as s**t with hardly a brain cell. The friends that I used to have are no longer part of my inner circle so I feel like I'm starting from scratch with absolutely no experience.
Susurrations Community Member 
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