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  • Artist Info: Well, I've claimed to be a Christian my entire life. I was taught about how Jesus died for my sins and that everyone is a sinner and that if I believe in Jesus I can go to Heaven. I grew up living how I wanted. I believe my little sister, when we were younger? She would lie and get us in trouble when we were kids, because my Mom trusted her over us. That always made me mad. I figured "I'm gonna build up my Mom's trust so I can lie and get my sister into trouble". After telling the truth, though? I started hating lies, so I didn't wanna lie anymore. I was moral in that aspect. I was fiercely loyal to my friends, I always felt like I wanted to protect people. I always wanted to be a police officer when I was a kid.<br />
    <br />
    I remember, when I was younger, in elementary school? I brought a Bible to school (I don't know how often, at least once though), and I was pretending to be a priest casting out demons. I was on the playground, and I'd open up my Bible randomly and just read whatever was on there and pretend I was performing exorcisms. We were raised Catholic, pretty much in name only. My Mom rarely brought us to church. We were baptized Catholic when we were babies.<br />
    <br />
    I was into the supernatural. I always liked Halloween. I liked being scared. Shows like Goosebumps and Are You Afraid Of The Dark were cool. I liked ghost stories. I liked to think about the "what if's" when we die. I liked hearing about other people's encounters with ghosts and I liked looking into supposed monsters and all kinds of stuff. Though I did it like once, one of the coolest things we ever did for Halloween was go to a farm and sit around a fire and do a hayride thing and face painting and all sorts of fun stuff.<br />
    <br />
    I always liked video games, I got into the internet a lot because it was fun to make people mad online and laugh with my friends and that's where I talked with girls. I wasn't very popular in school. I kept to myself mostly and when I was around my friends or people I was comfortable with? I was the class clown. I liked making people laugh. I was in special classes much of my life. I remember, a lot of people thinking I was retarded for being in those classes. Few people realized it wasn't only for people who were mentally handicapped but also for people who dealt with "emotional problems" or social problems. These two things are what I fell into, as far as I know.<br />
    <br />
    In elementary school, I had some girlfriends. That was about it. Maybe a couple. As you might assume, they didn't matter much. In middle school and high school? None, in person. Every girl I dated was online. I spent a lot of time talking with girl or girls on the internet or over the phone. I was a phone whore. I'd do stuff with girls over the phone and I felt like I was morally better than "regular whores" because I wasn't REALLY doing anything. I'd stay up and talk with girls for hours, early into the morning. We'd talk about all kinds of stuff, including video games, ghosts, etc.<br />
    <br />
    I had a couple serious girlfriends, still all long distance, though. One? Her name was Crystal but she lied to me about that and her real name was Refugia. I didn't find out about that until after we were broken up. Another, her name was Aubrey. She was the first one I met in person. I met her at her birthday party. I was nervous. I had seen pics, I thought she was kinda fat and she said she had lost weight. When I saw her for the first time in person? My first thought was that I wanted to break up with her the moment I was gone. Because of her weight.<br />
    <br />
    I sat next to her on the couch. We ended up kissing. She was the first girl I had kissed. By the time I had to leave later that night? I didn't want to leave: I loved her. That relationship lasted about 2 years. We only met each other a total of 3 times, the longest was the 1st time and the other two times were dramatically shorter. She cheated on me once, that I know of. I eventually cheated on her, with Refugia (mine was over the phone, of course, but it still hurt me and her).<br />
    <br />
    I really don't remember why we broke up. However, the next girl I moved onto that was significant to me was Lindy. She bought me a plane ticket to see her for 2 weeks, for her birthday. I remember, the first night I was there? I was on top of her and kissing her and I noticed, to my fear, that a booger from my nose fell onto her cheek. She was just looking into my eyes and grinning. I brushed it away real quick, trying to make it seem like I was brushing her cheek: a long time later, after we had broken up, I found out that she hadn't even realized that at all.<br />
    <br />
    We went trick or treating. I don't remember if that was the first time or the second (last) time I visited. The second time I visited was for 2 months. Anyway, she was a fairy for Halloween, and I was... well, I just grabbed whatever was around and I don't know what I was supposed to be. I guess in Missouri, where she lived... people made you tell jokes to get candy. So, I'd go up and tell people one of my inside jokes with my friends at the time. No one got it. Then, Lindy? She'd go up, and they'd ask her what her joke was. She'd be like "Him". They'd laugh and they'd even give her extra candy!<br />
    <br />
    Anyway, another thing? She took a piece of candy from her bag, a "fun-size" candy bar (there is nothing fun about these!), and she smeared it all over her teeth. I wasn't looking, mind you. I look at her and she grins and has chocolate caked all over her teeth: you can't see any white. Then, she's like "Kiss me!" and threw her arms around me and kissed me and tried to push the chocolate into my mouth. I was gonna try to eat it at first but then I just kept remembering how gross her mouth looked with the caked chocolate. She pulled away and watched me. I was visibly making a disgusted face, which I believe she was grinning or laughing about. Then? I just went "ppppffffffffft" and spit it all out at her! Yeah, even after we broke up there were some pieces of that chocolate on the wall for lack of cleaning it up, I believe.<br />
    <br />
    Now, Lindy was off and on with me. She'd wanna leave me, then I'd talk her into staying. It would hurt me every time, but then she'd stay, so we were happy. Then, finally, she couldn't be convinced anymore: she was done with me. I was devastated. I wanted to marry her. I felt like I needed her. I wanted to be with her more than any girl I had been with before. But, I couldn't have her. She ended up being with a guy she had been talking to while we had gone to GED classes together.<br />
    <br />
    We talked sometimes, but it was always me pretty much just saying how I wanted her back and reminiscing about "us". I don't know if she ever said this in these exact words, but it was like "Get over it". It was just so cold. When she had meant so much to me. It was like... I was seriously hurt, but there wasn't any emotion on her end. I was fed up. I remembered something I had learned from school. No one can push your buttons unless you allow them. So, I decided I wasn't gonna let anyone push my buttons anymore, I wasn't gonna let anyone hurt me anymore. No one could push my buttons unless I let them, no one could make me feel anything unless I allowed it. I was tired of hearing "get over it".<br />
    <br />
    I got much more into the supernatural stuff, into the girls on the internet, I had plenty of "friends with benefits", I guess. I became gradually more and more of a jerk, I was pretty mean to people. I liked trying to find weak points in people, even if it was only over the internet, just so I could keep poking it and poking it, trying to hurt them. I can't say I cared much about the ones who didn't react: I liked it when I found the ones that did and I could hurt. I remember a few girls I liked or liked me, but we never dated.<br />
    <br />
    One girl? Her name was Sade. She was bi, she was also Wicca I believe. She was one of my friends with benefits, and she dealt with me for awhile. I would vent about my girl problems, and we'd talk about the usual stuff: video games, the supernatural, all kinds of stuff. She ended up liking me. She showed me her pic, I thought she wasn't cute. She liked me and we kept talking and I just did stuff with her and would look for other girls, obviously ignoring that she liked me.<br />
    <br />
    Eventually? She got fed up with me. She told me "People tell me I'm cold-hearted, but you? You're heartless!". I remember how I felt when I heard that: happy. I was proud. Finally, someone acknowledged my wall, someone else could see that I was "untouchable". I was cold. No one could make me hurt, no one could do anything to me unless I allowed it. Her friend tried giving me some harsh words, being angry with me because I was a Christian. I believe she was saying stuff like "You Christians think you can do all of these things and you're just going to be saved!". She was angry that I hurt her friend, but I just joked with her and twisted her words up and tried to make it all fun... for me.<br />
    <br />
    I just kept going. I never really noticed any of it. It had all been building up my entire life, this gradual progression of getting worse and worse. I hated being alive, after Lindy and it only got worse. I wanted to die but I was too afraid to kill myself, because I was always taught that if you commit suicide you go to Hell. I would pray and ask God to kill me somehow, like let me die protecting someone or something: make me useful somehow. I just hated life. I hated it.<br />
    <br />
    I got into stuff like astral projection and remote viewing. I wanted to try to learn this stuff. I had seen things in dreams as they happened, I had had voices tell me things correctly, I knew there were things there and I wanted to learn more about what else there was. I would walk by people and just watch, which is something I always did. Just observe. I'd see a guy washing his truck, people jogging. Every one of these people had their own lives, their own stories, their own problems. They were happy now, on the outside. When would that stop? What was under it where they had been hurt, too?<br />
    <br />
    Ups and downs. That's all life is. You'd be happy.... only to be sad again. You'd become happy again... but eventually you'd lose it. What is the point? It's so empty. There is no meaning. I just hated it and kept growing in my hatred toward it, whether I realized it or not. I remember, one guy who had been my friend said of me, how I was at that time? If you walked into a room I was in, it was like there was just this vortex that sucked out happiness. I felt like that. I would smile and I always wanted to have fun, let's play games, let's laugh and joke, keep me smiling I hate this don't make me think about how bad it is when the fun stops... though I thought I was just fine and this is how everyone was and that's just life. I was very depressed and full of hatred.<br />
    <br />
    I should mention, I liked ideas. For a long time, even during Aubrey and all of that. I liked philosophy. Who knew what was there when we died, right? Everyone just had beliefs. Mine was that Jesus was the Son of God, that there was a God, there were angels and demons and a Heaven and a Hell, but everything else was up for grabs. The Bible? It was a book written by men, it had to have mistakes. I believed in Jesus because of my answered prayers, not because of a book. I prided myself in being open minded. I should also mention, I always asked Jesus for forgiveness. I remember asking forgiveness and thinking "but I don't really feel bad about it, though. Does He still forgive me?". My answer was yes, He is a merciful guy, right? I believe in Him, that's all you've gotta do, right?<br />
    <br />
    One day, I turned off a game I had been playing and there was a guy preaching on TV. I think it was TBN. Now, I had no real problem watching these shows, I'd come in and out and pay attention a little bit here and there. One thing I didn't like about these preachers and plenty of Christians? Telling everyone Jesus was the ONLY way. I thought "How conceited can you be? Really? Out of EVERYONE in the world, and all of their religious experiences and miracles and everything too, you're going to just write them off and say YOU'RE right?". I realized something this day, though: I have never TRIED their Christ. I had always written it off as unfair, etc.<br />
    <br />
    I had always done everything by trial and error. I believed in Jesus because I prayed and had prayers answered, for example. I believed that people could see things through dreams because I had, etc. Now, this guy, he wanted me to pray with him. I decided I'd give it a shot. If it didn't work, I wouldn't be any worse off than before, right? I decided to apply something I learned from a book called Zen in the Martial Arts that I had read in school. It was this idea called "Empty Your Cup".<br />
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    Let's say you have a cup. Now, I pour water into your cup. It starts to fill up, right? Now, let's say it gets to the top... however, I just keep pouring. What happens? The water just pours over the sides, the cup can't hold anymore water no matter how long I wanna try to pour more in. In the same way? I was full of my own ideas about things and if I wanted to learn something new, I had to "empty my cup" before anyone could teach me anything else. So, I emptied my cup, I put aside my criticisms and ideas and thoughts about everything, and tried to learn.<br />
    <br />
    I looked around to make sure no one was around to see me praying with my TV, I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy, y'know? He wanted me to repeat after him. Right when we started? Something felt different. However... right when I hit the words "I have sinned against You", it's like it really hit. It really hit me. I have sinned against God. I have sinned.... I have never done anything but sin and I am so evil I have never done ANYTHING but sin. I felt something in me, all of that hate and depression I thought was just there and that's how life was and that' I was so used to after so many years? It was coming down so fast, it was being torn down, I don't know how else to describe it. My weight was coming off of me so so fast so fast and I came so close to tears but I fought those tears. After we were done praying? I felt so new. I was just... new.<br />
    <br />
    He told me to read the Bible, so I did. I had performed an action and got a reaction, trial and error. I figured "No reason to stop now, right? Let's keep looking at this". I have been ever since, God has been showing and confirming things for me ever since. I believed I knew Jesus Christ my entire life and I was certain I would have died for Him if someone tried to make me deny Him and yet... I never knew Him, not until about 4 or 5 years ago. God actually came into me and CHANGED me. He changed me, and made me all new.<br />
    <br />
    I had been so interested in all of this other supernatural stuff before? None of it could ever do what this power did... I lost my interest in the rest. The ghosts, all of it. Let me know Jesus. God made me aware of my evil and I started wanting to change it all. Now? I'm here today, with my same Lord who saved me from my horrible, horrible life. He died for my sins, my Jesus died for me. He died for ME. He died for me.
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